Free Pants

Fiction Vs. Reality: What if Top Gun Happened in Real Life?

2011-12-21T10:19:00.003-05:00

Hello Pants stalkers/readers,

Here is another edition of fiction vs. reality published on movies.com. Read it with your favorite fat kid.

http://www.movies.com/movie-news/fiction-vs-reality-what-if-39top-gun39-happened-real-life/5910

Free Pants has been picked up by Movies.com

2011-10-27T10:45:00.002-04:00

Wondering how to fill time between the next episode of ABC's Pan Am? Check out my new column at movies.com. Your court-appointed therapist will be glad you did.

http://www.movies.com/movie-news/fiction-vs-reality-what-if-39weird-science39-happened-real-life/5098

Prepare Your Elevator Speech... then die

2011-10-16T19:21:00.012-04:00

Whether you're occupying wall street or waiting (however slowly) for the death of Jim Belushi's career (or brain), it's important to set and achieve goals. Luckily, monster.com has taken a break from providing false hope to job seekers to proffer advice on how to make an "elevator pitch." For most, access to an elevator in a workplace from which to make this pitch is unattainable, but that negative thinking -- just like rampant unemployment -- will lead you nowhere.

The article suggests people employ five (5) steps in their quest to receive a salary slightly higher than minimum wage. Fortunately, I work in a management, so I'm in a position to evaluate this advice.

1. Focus on Why You Want the Job

Think about why you want this job, and write down all your reasons. Delete anything that could apply to most candidates, like "I need the money" or "I want to work in this industry." Look for personal, unique reasons why the position is right for you. If you like a company's corporate culture, be sure to mention it. If the position will enable you to achieve a professional goal, focus on that.

Free Pants' Take: Following this advice might not get you promoted in a work setting, but it will promote you in my mind from retard to talking retard. Why would I care to help you achieve your professional goals? I already expressed frustration at having to wait precious seconds by pressing the button to your floor. Oh, wait. You care about the corporate culture? Why didn't you say so? Pick up your bag of money on they way out. It's next to my case of explosives, which is rigged to go off whenever you speak.

2. Consider How You Can Contribute

To tailor your responses to individual situations, be observant. For example, "I was waiting for an interview at an accounting firm when I noticed the staff was having trouble communicating with the firm's Russian-speaking clients," says contractor Marta Damien. "So during my interview, I told a story about studying Russian in college. I got the assignment."

Free Pants' Take: Congratulations. You have ensured that I will no longer take the elevator to work. Instead, I will try the stairs or pole-vaulting into my office window. All of these methods are preferable to hearing you prattle on about non-accomplishments. Your best chance at receiving a promotion is to say, "One time I was in an elevator with a smart (and handsome) man who looked bored and tired. I decided to keep quiet, slip him $100 and promise to commit suicide." I might not promote you, but I will refrain from kicking you in the shins, which is a reward in itself.

3. Be Honest

You want to sound good but not too good, cautions Catherine Conant, a professional storyteller and consultant. "Don't try to make yourself bigger, braver, richer, smarter or fancier than you are," she says. "People have an incredible ability to spot a phony. Only tell stories that contain the truth about what you know about yourself."

Free Pants' Take: I have a story for miss Conant. It's about an idiot named Catherine Conant, who, after tiring of offering worthless advice, decided to burn herself for fuel that powers the local affiliate that carries NBC's funny and poignant Harry's Law (starring Kathy Bates at her hilarious best!). If you were still alive, Catherine, I would promote you.

I have grown tired of this article. I have important work to do, but I look forward to their next article: How to make your bathroom stall pitch.

Behave

2011-10-05T16:03:00.009-04:00

If you're over the age of ten and still require instructions on interpersonal communications, you should head over to the local bookstore and ask for my book, Hi, I'm an Idiot, in the self-help section. If the cashier feigns ignorance, you can simply chalk up the experience to your idiocy or hop into the nearest roadside fridge for an impromptu game of hide-and-seek. I promise I'll find you.

If that doesn't fit your needs, you can also check out the "expert" advice doled out by the "writers" at cnn.com. Ann Marie O'Neill has compiled a list of behaviors (that she stole from other, better experts) one can employ to ensure he or she passes interviews (and mandatory drug-tests) with flying colors.

Here's an example:

"Look interested: When your face is neutral, it indicates that you're not engaged. Just a slight head tilt powerfully conveys the message that you're listening. A quick eyebrow arch is another simple yet effective gesture that communicates curiosity."

Also, openly masturbating during the conversation communicates interest as well. I would caution against using an arched eyebrow while engaging in the activity, though -- it might give off the wrong impression.

Anyway, Free Pants was so excited about the article's suggestions, that I sent them to successful people around the country. Below is the feedback:

Tip # 1: Stop talking

According to executive coach Ann Demarais, "A lot of folks have the habit of imparting endless information. The listener smiles, nods politely, and asks questions, so the lecturer... keeps... on... talking. Make sure to flip around the conversation so the listener can speak."

Execution: Oncologist Ben Farmer, MD, Cleveland Clinic

Dr. Farmer: "This is a game-changer. Just this morning, I told a man he had stage 4 lymphoma and rather than go into the details like I usually do, I simply put the focus on him and kept my mouth shut! By the end of the session, he was practically BEGGING me to keep talking about his treatment options and how much time he had left before he died. And I just kept quiet. Ann is right -- by the end of his crying and ranting, I felt like he was only focused on himself! If he had more than two weeks to live, I would recommend Ann's book to him!"

Tip # 2: Show your flaws

According to life coach Lucia McElroy, "The fact is we are all walking around trying not to be human. We want to be these perfect little machines with no faults. But if I'm putting up a front and you are as well, what kind of conversation are we really having?

Execution: Mark Stonehill, hostage negotiator

Mark: "I always used to feel like such a phony. 'We'll meet your demands' or 'everything is going to be fine,' I would tell gunmen. Now, I let them know that I have no real authority and that the police department is going to kill them no matter what they do. A lot more hostages are dying, but it's nothing comparied to the relief I feel at having honest conversations."

Tip # 3: Use a person's name. Repeat.

According to sociologist Julie Albright, "People love to hear their own names. It makes them feel special. But don't stop there: learn the names of their spouses, friends, and pets and then mention them in follow-up conversation."

Execution: Barry Kirk, owner/proprietor of San Fernando Massage Parlor

Barry: Now when guys come in, I say, "Happy ending, Fred?" or "Did you scatter your wife's ashes yet, Steve?" or "Did that witness protection thing ever come through, Greg?" I can't tell if they're flattered because they usually just run away, but I definitely leave a first impression on them. Thanks, Julie.

Remember: stay in that fridge.

New Movie Reviews -- 8/24/11

2011-08-24T18:44:00.003-04:00

Higher Ground -- -9,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A chronicle of one women's lifelong struggle with her faith.

Free Pants' Take: I was raised to believe that people struggled with their faith privately so as to not interrupt my playing Nintendo Wii or robbing them. Unless God comes down from Heaven to settle the dispute on film (and banish Vera Farmiga to hell), I can't imagine how this can be construed as entertainment.

I mention Farmiga because this is her directorial debut -- something that everyone who saw her in the three movies she's appeared in has been clamoring for. In lieu of seeing this movie, Free Pants' suggests pushing an old women into a mailbox. She, too, will question her faith but you've just saved ten bucks. Use the money to buy yourself a Pizza Hut Pizzone -- all that pushing has made you hungry.

Unexpected Scene: After reaffirming her faith, Farmiga's character learns of a new pilot featuring Jim Belushi. She commits suicide certain that "there is no God"

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star -- N/A (Slacks burst into flames of rage)

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A kid from the Mid-West moves out to Hollywood to follow in his parents footsteps -- and become a porn star.

Free Pants' Take: I want you to gather the kids together, tie down the furniture (and dog), stock up some food, and hide in your cellar for protection until I tell you it's okay to re-emerge into society. Doctors cannot pinpoint the exact cause of clinical depression, but most agree it can be acquired during one screening of this film.

It stars Nick Swardson. You may know him as a comedy cleaner -- he shows up in various comedies to remove all comedy from the scene. He's so good that after the scene is over, you forget the scene was even supposed to elicit laughter.

The movie employs the use of gag teeth and hair but stops short of ventriloquism to crush the souls of the audience. I think perhaps the only value one can derive from this movie is the knowledge that anyone who purchases a ticket for it should be catapulted into space. Perhaps some AMC theaters can actually set this up.

Unexpected Scene: After watching a scene from Bucky Larson, Vera Farmiga's character is convinced there is no God, then she learns of Jim Belushi's new sitcom success and kills herself.

Mom, I can't find my crotchless panties!

2011-08-19T16:36:00.007-04:00

Now that the West Memphis 3 are freed, we can focus on more important issues like the debt crisis, the baffling resurgence of Jim Belushi's career, and the French company Jours Apres Lunes' decision to produce a line of "loungerie" -- a mix of loungewear and lingerie -- for girls between the ages of 4 and 12.

The clothing line and website photos (see above) have drawn ire from psychologists and pedophiles who prefer straight-up sex with children without wasting time with seduction.

Dr. Tomi-Ann Roberts, a wet blanket and psychologist on the APA-created panel charged with tackling the media's sexualization of women and said the following:

Dr. Roberts:
(photo provided and imagined by Free Pants)

"This is nauseating and sick."

The worse news is that the company has also developed a line of "Loungerie" for babies. Free Pants got a preview. Take a look.

Zookeeper -- Movie Review

2011-07-07T17:09:00.019-04:00

Zookeeper: rating -- Golden Slacks exploded into sadness

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper (Kevin James) find love -- without opting to leave his current job for something more illustrious. woman.

Free Pants' Take: When robots become self-aware and enslave us, they will point to this movie and Jim Belushi's long career as the reasons for our demise. My heart sank after reading this synopsis. The questions that arise from this premise lead to incredulity if not madness.

There are five (5) credited screenwriters for this movie and one imagines the sad conferences where teams of screenwriters argued for and against James' urinating into a potted plant to garner the affections of Leslie Bibb. I imagined breathless calls to loved ones during lunch breaks. (Or, perhaps it was one of the few immediately agreed upon gags.) The only thing missing is additional screenwriter and suicide inducer Nia Vardalos to add some hilarious texting gags between a sexy college student, Kevin James, and a flatulent salamander.

The movie fails as entertainment, but it does succeed as a mass homicide note.

Unexpected Scene: James takes the advice of Bambi the Black Widow (voiced by the luminous Jennifer Tilly) and beds, murders, and eats Leslie Bibb.

Larry Crowne Review

2011-07-04T16:55:00.007-04:00

Larry Crowne -- -9 million out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): After losing his job, a middle-aged man reinvents himself by going back to college.

Free Pants' Take: I've read that one of the worst things in life is wasted talent. Not true. The worst thing in life is the movie Larry Crowne. I know. I just watched it. It is the brainchild of Nia Vardalos, who punished us with a never-ending sea of romantic comedies (and John Corbett), and its lack of human understanding and interaction makes it a study in insanity.

Here are the minutes from the screenplay conference where the script was written (in about 1/2 hour).

Producer: Hanks' character is broke, unemployed, and adrift in loneliness.

Nia: Yes! But then he meets a gorgeous 20-something who befriends him, rearranges his home, his hair, and his priorities!

Producer: Why would she do this? He's twice her age and he's boring and unattractive.

Nia: Because!!!

Producer: So Hanks falls for her, right?

Nia: No!

Producer: Why not? Wouldn't a guy fall fall in love with a beautiful girl who paid so much attention to him?"

Nia: NO! Because!!!

Producer: Who is the bad guy?

Nia: No bad guy! Everyone is earnest, truthful and nice. Just like in life!

Producer: Shouldn't we try to make it funny?

Nia: It is funny. Like in one scene, Hanks' professor confiscates his cell phone! OMG, hilarious!

[producer shoots himself in the face]

Unexpected scene: In a twist ending, it's revealed that Hanks' wife left him because he beat her. After Roberts kisses Hanks in the closing scene, he hits her and sends her into the hospital.

Go to www.conanorbust.com for more hilarity

2011-01-04T14:41:00.001-05:00

This site has moved -- well, technically it's still here. But check out conanorbust.com. Free Pants will be there. So should you.

On the Cat Walk... with your 10 Cats

2010-11-11T18:17:00.008-05:00

______(pictured above: "Sexy" Senior; Fat broad)

Let's be honest: with the advent of the Internet, old people are no longer being used as a resource for their grandkids' book reports which reduces their role in the world to 1) saying hilariously off-color remarks in comedy movies and 2) walking slowly in front of everyone on the planet.

This has been the arrangement worked out among me, the old people I stuff into toilets, and God. Then, a video on CNN.com sullied the whole deal. Apparently, a woman has started a fashion show for "sexy seniors" in which old people -- 77-86 years old -- strut their stuff on a catwalk that is apparently made from toilet paper (see photo above).

There's a utility in that: if the old person passes, the organizers can simply wrap them up in the catwalk paper and toss them into the morgue.

Free Pants thinks this is a capital idea and has received still photos of the event that have not been broadcast. Take a look.

# 1. "Sexy Senior" Emma

Wearing: sexy blouse, black skirt

Perfect Outfit For:

1. Yelling at the voice on the GPS navigation system, toasters

2. Wandering aimlessly in grocery stores during bouts of dementia

3. Falling down for no reason

# 2. "Sexy Senior" Angela

Wearing: See-through Hospital Nightie

Accessories: earrings, dialysis machine

Perfect outfit for:

1. A late-night rendezvous with the toilet after too many Jell-O desserts

2. Formal appointments with lawyers (for will signings) and doctors (to find out how much time you have left to live) and morticians

# 2. "Sexy Senior" Walter

Wearing: Beautiful Navy Blue Suit (inside of coffin)

Perfect outfit for: Cremation

Hereafter - 6 out of 7 Golden Slacks - A Real Review

2010-10-23T10:27:00.022-04:00

I've always been attracted to strong women. In my early 20s, I dated a girl who dragged me to movies and, afterwards, engaged me in fierce debates about the meaning of them. No matter how heated the discussions became, she would always diffuse the situation by kissing me just above my left eyebrow -- a secret move she discovered that always weakened my defenses -- and saying, "I'm right. You'll see."

Long after we had broken up, I heard that she suffered a brain aneurysm and died almost instantly. Even though I was (and still am) agnostic, I'll sometimes think of her and still want to believe that she is out there, somewhere, remembering me. Remembering. That's the underlying theme of Clint Eastwood's new film Hereafter.

The movie invites us into the lives of three people who will eventually, through a series of coincidences, connect. The details of the three characters' lives are immaterial; they're tied together through death: a kid loses his twin brother, a French reporter suffers a near-death experience, and a man shoulders the burden of apparently being able to connect with the dead.

Most of the reviews state that the questions central to the film -- is there an afterlife, what happens when we die -- are left unanswered or explored and thus, the movie is a failure. But they're off the mark. The movie isn't about the afterlife; it's about how, despite our intellectual reasoning, love requires the living to hope for the existence of one. Whether our parents pass or our spouses leave or our children outgrow us, we grieve for ourselves -- who else will remember and understand?

The movie gets it right. This is a slow, meditative film that shows us people who struggle to exist in a world that does not understand their pain and explores the tentative, delicate connections they form with others who do understand.

The film is populated with people stranded in varying stages of grief, but we're meant to access the film, I think, through the boy who, after losing his brother, embarks on a journey to find out what happens when we die. The French reporter and the psychic who endure tragedies are equipped with adult coping mechanisms and use their intelligence, their power or their wealth to hide from the truths that lay buried in their subconscious. The kid, however, is naked in his pain and in his need to speak with his deceased brother.

He eventually meets up with the psychic (Matt Damon) and there is a scene that summarizes the theme of the entire film. During the reading, the kid is searching for answers, for peace, and Damon's character relays a message that's either communicated by the dead brother or by Damon's character, out of kindness. The point is: it doesn't matter. The boy just needs to know he is not alone, even if it's not true.

That's all any of us wants -- to hope there's another side where they remember us, our secret moments, and where she is waiting to kiss me on the left eyebrow and tell me she was right.

Note: This received a 50% rating on Rottentomatoes. That's what you guys gave G-Force, the animated movie starring Tracy Morgan about farting gerbils. If there is an afterlife, you're not going there.

New Movie Reviews - 10/15/10

2010-10-18T00:02:00.011-04:00

Jackass 3-D: 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Plot Synopsis(from IMDB.com): (none)

Free Pants' Take: When the staff at imdb.com cannot publish a plot synopsis for a movie it means one of two things: either the movie is so beautiful, it transcends language or the movie is Jackass 3-D, a film that has the honor of falling under the umbrella of IMDB keyword category "Covered in Feces."

I spent a good chunk of time pondering the need for such a category -- what sort of person searches for movies based on its inclusion of feces-covering? Turns out, it joins the ranks of other movies showcasing feces including Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionnaire. Mind you, these are listed as the BEST covered-in-feces movies, which obviously means that countless other, lesser films are left out. Slumdog received over 172,000 votes. Is this for the movie or its feces coverage? The site doesn't say.

Anyway, this is the sort of film I wish had advertisements based on moviegoers' experiences. "Best date movie ever!" someone would exclaim as they elbowed their date or nearby pedestrians in the ribs. If any value can be derived from the film, it's that it makes America's Funniest Home Videos seem delightfully restrained in their showing of groin-kicking footage.

Unexpected Scene: Cameo appearances by Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan who engage in a mud wrestling battle with Steve-O and Knoxville. After losing, Kagan decrees that the match be stricken from the record.

Conviction - -8,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A working mother puts herself through law school in an effort to represent her brother, who has been wrongfully convicted of murder and has exhausted his chances to appeal his conviction through public defenders.

Free Pants' Take: Swank is becoming the new Glenn Close: an asexual man/woman who fights for something that no one but she really cares about. I don't want to talk about that, though -- I want to talk about the title. There is nothing, except for movies that don't include feces-covering, that angers Pants more than faux-intelligent screenwriters who create titles with double meanings. Instead of providing a review of the film, I want to propose other "intelligent" movies with titles that have double meanings.

Offensive Line:

Frank (Craig T. Nelson), a former linebacker for the Jets turned Miss America Pageant host, develops a fatal case of Tourette's Syndrome hours before the telecast. Can he overcome his disorder in time for his presentation to the Girl Scouts of America? Will his disorder affect his dinner with the CEO and his Christian wife? Will he be covered with gatorade (or feces!) after making it through the show? Only time will tell.

Pregnant Pause:

Allison (Camryn Manheim) can't catch a break: she lost her job as a fitness instructor, her boyfriend left her, and she just found out that she can't have children. But then, after her cable goes out, a friendly repair man (Ernest Borgnine) gives her a magical remote control filled with his semen. When Allison accidentally eats the remote control during a late night binge, she wakes up pregnant and with the ability to stop time -- each time she belches, it hits the pause button on the remote. Will Allison be able to care for her new child? Can she fend off the terrorists vying for her magical remote? You don't want to miss a minute of this hilarious musical comedy that IMDB calls one of the best covered in feces movies of the year!

You're Out!

Steve Simmons (Gary Busey) is one of the toughest umpires in baseball. That is, until a newspaper photographer snaps photos of him coming out of a gay bar. Is Steve gay or at the bar for another hilarious reason? This comedy from the people that brought you Schindler's List might throw you a few curve balls! Starring Betty White as Steve's best friend and sassy head umpire.

Unexpected Scene: After Swank's character wins the court case, a bailiff dumps her into a barrel filled with feces.

It Ain't Over Until the NBER Tells You

2010-10-01T13:51:00.005-04:00

“The recession officially ended in June 2009, according to the Business Cycle Dating Committee of the National Bureau of Economic Research, the official arbiter of such dates.” – The Times 9/21/10

Dear Gary Penske or Occupant,

Congratulations! Speaking on the authority conferred upon me by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a panel charged with dating when recessions begin and end, I am writing to inform you that your recession is officially over! We apologize for any inconvenience this recession may have caused and appreciate your patience.

We have had difficulty locating you. We have tried several times to contact you by phone only to learn from a pre-recorded message that the line has been disconnected. Despite our informing the pre-recorded message of your new recession-free status, it remained firm in its disconnect. We have also attempted to contact you by work email but were dismayed to learn (via auto-reply) of your recent unemployment. To rectify the situation, we have sent a copy of this letter to your former employer. If you still had an active phone line, we are positive that you would have received a call from them.

Finally, we sent one of our representatives to your home to relay the good news. We are sorry to hear that you have chosen to vacate the premises, allow the bank to foreclose on your home, and relocate you and your family to your automobile. Usually, we encourage this behavior during a recession, but as you are no longer embroiled in it, it is no longer necessary – if only you had waited until receiving this letter!

On behalf of the panel, I apologize for not informing you sooner. We have over 300 million files that are carefully vetted by our staff of 12. Unfortunately, we often make mistakes – most famously, due to an internal mailing code error, Harold Feinstock of Marshfield, TN, never received the letter officially ending his recession in 1973. Despite his immense personal wealth, Mr. Feinstock spent his remaining years living inside of a mailbox filled with raccoons.

So to expedite the process of your immersion back into the economy, we have taken the liberty of alerting your creditors to your new-found financial freedom and have agreed (on your behalf) for you to pay all outstanding balances within 60 days.

In return, we ask that you adhere to the following guidelines to maintain your viability in the marketplace:

When pressed to answer difficult questions during job interviews, simply place your feet on the interviewer’s desk and say, “That sounds like a question I would scramble to answer mid-recession. Now that I’m recession-free, let’s talk about expanding the company daycare to include dogs. I love dogs.”
Dine at expensive restaurants. When your credit card is declined, feign surprise. Then, show the waitress and the manager a copy of this letter – it should mollify them. If not, use a pen to circle key sections of the letter and direct them to it. If they persist, try more circling.
Spread the news of your good fortune to all of the people standing in line next to you at the unemployment office.

Thank you again for your time and patience. We will reassess your account within six months.

Best,
National Bureau of Economic Research

Cc: Sallie Mae
American Express
Discover Card

Please note: if the recipient of this letter is not Gary Penske, please disregard. You may, in fact, still be mired in a recession. Please call to check the status of your recession at 1-800-555-0894 during our regular business hours. For security purposes, we cannot list our regular business hours.

Trump Mosque

2010-09-18T14:14:00.006-04:00

Dear Trapped Chilean Miners,

Allow me to explain what has transpired above ground while you have been eating delicious free food and fielding job offers that are apparently based upon the qualities that led you to become trapped in a mine.

On 9/11/01, terrorists hijacked planes and crashed them into the twin towers and the pentagon. Nine years later, someone tried to build an Islamic center (replete with swimming pool) near the world trade center site. As you can imagine, this incited anger in the hearts and minds of bigots everywhere. Luckily, Donald Trump stepped forward and offered to buy the site and construct his own center. I've obtained some of his preliminary plans. Please enjoy them as you take your extended vacation in the mine.

Features:

State-of-the-art slot machines that pay out thousands when you match up the collapse of both towers and the pentagon.

Official greeter: 9/11 mastermind Khalid Mohammed

9/11 raffle. Each victim's name will be placed into the raffle. The winner's family will be comped at the lunch buffet.

New Movie Reviews -- 9/10/10

2010-09-12T23:08:00.017-04:00

Life as We Know It -- -88 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Two single adults become caregivers to an orphaned girl when their best friends die in a car accident.

Free pants' Take: I always thought the beauty of love lay in its elusiveness -- the strength of feeling, good or bad, transcended all logical thinking. Turns out, though, I was wrong. Apparently love can be summoned by tossing two attractive people in a dead couple's house replete with an adorable, shitting baby.

Josh Dumahel and Katherine Heigel play the two attractive caregivers who hate, then love, each other. At one point during the trailer, Heigel's characters says, "Our friends put us together for a reason." It takes a lot of moxie or delusion to think that you're friends handed over their lives just so you could play house with their friend and abandoned child. I wonder if she would love the character if it were played by Troy Vernon.

Regardless of how you feel, you'll definitely leave the theater thinking, "Thank God those two ugly people died! God works in mysterious and sexy ways!"

Unexpected Scene: It turns out there was a mix-up -- the parents are still alive; they returned from a long trip. Heigel and Dumahel kill them and continue to raise the daughter as their own.

Going the Distance -- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A romantic comedy about a guy and a gal who try to maintain a long-distance relationship by traveling between NY and Los Angeles.

Free Pants' Take: There is something inherently wrong with the premise of your movie when Justin Long plays any character other than the one repeatedly being dunked into a toilet bowl.

The movie manages to sidestep the typical plot machinations -- misunderstandings that could be cleared up with two words, dead parents who bequeath their belongings (and children) to attractive polar opposites destined for love, etc. -- and replaces them with... nothing.

At this point, I must alert you to a scene near the end of the film that merits deep consideration. It involves Jim Gaffigan dry humping Christina Applegate on a dining room table. Dear Reader, I must confess that this image has replaced the nude Nancy Pelosi who wanders through my nightmares. I imagine the sad conversations that must have transpired between Applegate and her agent (and inner child) after reading these sections of the script.

Unexpected Scene: Christina Applegate and Jim Gaffigan die in a tragic dry humping session gone awry, leaving Barrymore and Long to raise their child.

The American -- 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): An assassin hides out in Italy for one last assignment.

Free Pants' Take: I think watching a man hiding from things falls on the list of exciting action to see unfold in movies somewhere between reading and shopping for slacks. Clooney plays an assassin who assembles weapons during the day and chats with priests and whores at night. It is actually less intriguing than it sounds, if that's possible.

Unexpected Scene: Clooney is revealed to be the assassin who murdered the family in Life As We Know It. After seeing how lovely Josh Dumahel and Katherine Heigel are as parents and lovers, Clooney smiles knowing that his killing was the right thing to do.

Baby Got Backseat

2010-09-08T15:45:00.020-04:00

Are you the kind of person who walks out of a sub shop with a mop instead of a sandwich? Do you find yourself buying extra absorbent tampons instead of your prostate medication or find yourself in a ground war against the wrong country? Well, don't worry: Blake Ellis is on the case.

Who's Blake Ellis? He's the staff reporter for CNNmoney.com who writes articles that help one navigate through the complexities of life. Today, for example, Ellis proffers advice for parents seeking to purchase car seats: "If the lap belt falls below the knees of your child or the side belt falls off his or her shoulders or if there is no helmet, you might think about getting a new car seat." Helmets?

I like Blake's soft-pedal approach to child care: "If your child is decapitated by a circular saw, you might want to consider having a new child."

He even provides a photo for those without imagination or perhaps a brain stem (see above). Free Pants pressed Ellis for more advice on spotting bad car seats. Luckily, I've provided it here.

According to Ellis, avoid car seats that...

1. ... come with safety helmets made of bee hives

2. ... use straps made only of rubber bands

3. ... are submerged in fish tanks

4. ... are really just creepy guys who hop into your backseat and hold them down.

Eat, Pray, Love Review by Guest Blogger Stephanie

2010-09-07T21:41:00.004-04:00

Today's Pants Post will be written by guest blogger Stephanie, the girl I met outside of the movie theater.

Hey guys! Steph here. I'm here waiting for a text from Brian, who totally stood me up. I'm sure he's just really busy. Anyway, I just saw Eat, pray, love and I have to say it's probably like one of the best movies ever made, except for He's Just Not That Into You or Lady Gaga, who isn't a movie but ohmygod! she should be.

The movie, based on that book by Liz Gilbert, is about a woman who courageously breaks! free! from her own life choices!

Anyway, the woman ditches her life (and boring hubby -- "we took wedding vows," blah, blah, blah, be cuter!) to go on a year-long quest to "find herself." Her first stop is Italy where she uncovers the key to unlocking her depression: eating totally! delicious! pizza in Naples! Yay!

You're like probably thinking that she could have just heated up a DiGiorno's pizza at home but when I went to the frozen food aisle at the supermarket, the secret to life wasn't listed in the ingredients. So, Manga!

Why isn't Brian texting me back?!!! Brian is totally like Javier Bardem, not Richard Jenkins, the drunk old, boring guy in the film. Yuck.

Anyway, after curing her depression with pizza, it's off to India for 3 months to figure out God and stuff. I'm not sure she can find herself in India -- considering it's so dirty and there are all those nasty poor people; but -- don't worry! She stays in a luxury hotel adjacent to the nearby abject poverty. Whew! There's some story about some girl getting married, but I mostly updated my twitter status and sent Brian electronic whales on FB during that part.

From there she goes to Bali and meets the total hottie from No Country for Old Men who killed everyone. But here he doesn't kill, he cries! and makes mix tapes!!! My boyfriend in 7th grade used to make mix tapes and he was a total dork but when this guy does it, it's hot!!!

So, she blows off her spiritual advisor to sleep with the guy, but it's worth it because she realizes that she doesn't need a man. She figured that out after talking to another man who told her what to do. Actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of weird that in a movie like this, there are no strong female characters. Everyone who tells her what to do is a man.

Wow! I guess that's why I don't like to think!!

Hello? Brian!! Where have you been?! I'm done with this. Brian called. Gotta go! xoxo

Love, Pray, Eat

2010-08-26T13:32:00.031-04:00

Most people find truth in crybaby (and musician) John Lennon's line: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Don't tell that to Halley Eavelyn, though. She believes that life is what happens only after you've made plans to travel to exotic locations (and sever ties with your spouse, friends, and mortgage payments).

Halley is the co-founder of Las Vegas-based Spirit Quest Tours, which led its first six-day Eat, Pray, Love Bali trip at the end of May. The trip, based on the wildly successful book (and movie) by Liz Gilbert that chronicles her brave escape from her own life choices, has attracted hundreds of women looking to seek enlightenment through strangers' guidance and pizza-eating.

Halley's tour of Italy, India, and Bali closely follows the book's narrative in an attempt to provide its travelers with "life-changing luxury travel" and "spiritual growth." Take that, Sandals.

The tour has become so successful, Halley is planning tours that are based on other popular films as well. Take a look at her new catalogue.

1. Hurt Locker Tour

Tagline: Disarming a bomb while snipers scan the area will help you to forget about your boring husband's requests for his heart medication!

Tour: 14 days in downtown Baghdad patrolling the streets.

Special: First person to disarm 3 IEDs receives free tickets to Tony Award-Winning play Next to Normal!

2. Philadelphia Tour

Tagline: Have you ever seen a movie and thought to yourself, "I wish that were me!" Now's your chance to become hotshot gay lawyer Andrew Beckett.

Tour: Spend two weeks in the city of brotherly love.

Tour includes:

law libraries where you will research your case (and deftly avoid discrimination!)
hospital ward where you're stay for the duration (with free HIV cocktails!) and
the courtroom where you'll defend your right to be gay.

Bonus: For $50 extra, we'll enhance the experience by injecting you with AIDs!

3. Weekend at Bernie's Tour

Tagline: Sometimes denial is a funny thing! Take one last getaway with a beloved dead relative and deal with emotional turmoil (and funeral) sometime in the winter!

Tour: Weekend in Cape Cod with the dead relative of your choosing!

4. Shawshank Redemption Tour

Tagline: Form the kind of bond that can only occur between two "lifers." Plus, socialize with the Sisters!

Tour: 30 years in Alcatraz prison. Murder charges for unsolved crimes applied for authenticity!

5. Castaway Tour

Tagline: Ever wonder whether you have the fortitude to battle nature and crippling loneliness? Now's your chance!

Tour: Enjoy first class seats on a plane that's set to crash somewhere over the Pacific**.

**No refunds.

Full article: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2005158,00.html

Note: Spellcheck did not recognize AIDs. You can't bury your head in the sand forever, Spellcheck.

One Nation Under My God

2010-08-22T16:11:00.017-04:00

There is a debate brewing in this country that might elicit more passionate responses than the Dan Vs. Dave McDonald's ads during the 1988 Olympic games: the decision to build an Islamic center (replete with swimming pool) and Mosque near the world trade center site.

Advocates for the project cite basic religious freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution while detractors cite their feelings -- although most of those feelings should be mollified by free access to the Islamic pool.

According to a protester vehemently opposed to the construction of an Islamic center:

"How can they build a mosque near something that is so decidedly American."

Good point. Free Pants thought of some other decidedly American institutions that would be tarnished by the construction of a nearby mosque.

1. Mosque blocking access to the cereal aisle inside your local Walmart

2. Mosque in the alleys where your town hides its homeless people

3 Mosque on Nascar track

4. Mosque near your foreclosed home

5. Mosque in the hospital where you get treated for your type I diabetes

6. Mosque on the obstacle course of your favorite show, Wipeout!*

7. Mosque near "border fence" where you're already busy discriminating against other races

8. Mosque next door to your local unemployment center

Hey, after nearly ten years, I'm happy someone is building something on or near the site.

* Wipeout is an amazing show. The key to its success lies in its knowledge that you can't not look like a douchebag while dodging a wall of "punching" boxing gloves. You could throw a wheelchair-bound nun onto the course and it wouldn't fail to be funny when she got punched by twelve boxing gloves.

The Wizard of Octopus

2010-07-08T23:05:00.023-04:00

People will often tell you that the problem with our generation is an abundance of choice -- too many foods, careers, and partners that lead to a kind of baffled inertia. Luckily, God gave us "Psychic Paul" to sort it all out.

Who's Psychic Paul? He's an octopus that is widely believed to accurately predict World Cup soccer matches. How? Well, Paul is lowered into a tank of water and allowed to search for food in two boxes -- each with the flag of the competing country affixed to it -- and whichever box Paul tumbles into first is his "prediction."

I know what you're thinking: Paul is amazing. Free Pants agrees, especially after realizing that Paul isn't relegated to choosing the winner of only soccer matches. Check out a copy of Paul's itinerary for the upcoming weeks.

Used to Help Choose: Which man to marry

Used to Help Choose: Which country to bomb

Used to Help Choose: Which parent to put in a home

Used to Help Choose: Which race to be prejudiced against

Used to Help Choose: Which is the one true faith

Open Letter to my Co-Workers

2010-06-30T12:45:00.002-04:00

*This post was accidentally deleted from the system and never saw the light of day. I found, finished and posted it all for your reading pleasure.

Dear coworkers:

Hello. Yes, I got your hilarious monkey-playing chess email forward; many thanks.

The holidays approaching, and you may consider purchasing a gift for me with the hope of securing friendship, trust, or the return of your wallet/virginity. You're right to want to shower me with presents, but please know that any gifts that I receive from you will be flushed down the toilet. So, whenever you read these articles about "creative" presents for your co-workers, remember: toilet.

Despite my warnings, you may have read the article on CNN.com entitled "10 fun, affordable gifts for your co-workers" and thought to yourself: "Joe would love a customized mouse pad!"

This is not logical thinking. Luckily, I have provided alternatives to this list in case you insist upon giving me a gift.

Gift Idea # 1: Mouse Pads by Lilly Pullitzer ($15.00)

They say: Your colleague can take notes and surf the web at the same time -- and he or she can do so in style, choosing form four different designs."

Pants Says: Unless one of the four designs is a photograph of you in a noose, spend the $15.00 on a barrel. Put yourself in it and have someone throw it into the ocean. Actually, you should ask someone to take a photo of it; it would make a great mouse pad design, too.

Gift Idea # 2: You've Been Sentenced Board Game

They say: pony up for this fun game that will entertain the entire office. It takes about 30 - 40 minutes to play -- just enough time for your lunch break. Players will make grammatically correct sentences using a deck of cards containing conjugations of funny words. ($25.00)

Pants says: This sounds about as much fun as letting schoolkids take turns throwing fire hydrants at my crotch. My lunch time is devoted to eating large sandwiches alone in the handicapped bathroom. If you insist upon reading funny sentences aloud to me, they should be about your impending resignation/suicide.

Gift Idea # 3: Panic Button

They say: We all have that co-worker who is constantly stressing out. A great gag gift for him or her is the panic button. An actual red computer key imprinted with the word "panic," it has adhesive backing so you can attach it to any computer key. The next time his computer freezes up and your co-worker needs a key to pound, the panic button will do the trick. ($1.00)

Pants Says: Thank you for reserving the dollar you would normally use for your daily Raisinets fix from the vending machine to give me an item that is arguably as valuable as a box of glass. being a good sport, I would hide the "panic" button in your lunch and then punch you in the gut any time something went wrong (for the next 12 years).

Gift Idea # 4: TRAYblecloth

They say: The TRAYblecloth is a slip-on tray cover for airplane tray tables. In case cleaning crews don't have time to wash the tray table between flights, the cloth gives the passenger a clean eating and working surface. ($15.99)

Pants Says: For $16 you can hire an illegal immigrant to clean your tray table (and do your weeding). Dios Mio!

Gift Idea # 5: Knife and Fork Lift

They say: This clever twist on the classic knife and fork duo is the perfect gift for your indulgent co-worker. The Knife and Fork Lift are both utensils and dumbbells that weigh 1.5 pounds each. For each bite your co-worker takes, he or she will be encouraged that eating gains weight and exercising takes it off. ($24.99)

Pants says: This is the perfect passive-aggressive gift for someone you hate. Two things: 1) Beware: fat people are crafty and will easily ditch the heavy utensils to eat their bowl of pasta with their hands, a lightweight spatula, or hoagie rolls; 2) fat people don't need to bulk up with weights. Save your $30 and simply tell your coworker that he is obese. Then, push him down the stairs. If he asks for medical attention, just press your new "panic" button.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/12/09/holiday.gifts.coworkers.cb/index.html

Touchdown Jesus

2010-06-20T12:16:00.001-04:00

It's been said that God is made of all of us. Turns out, he's also made of wood and Styrofoam. Of course, I'm referring to Touchdown Jesus, Ohio's massive sculpture of the Lord in which He is apparently taking a break from healing the sick to officiate a Cleveland Brown's game.

I'm not sure the moniker fits, though. It looks to me like he performing other actions like...

1. ...expressing frustration at misunderstandings between Mr. Furley and Jack on Three's Company

2. ...kicking a keg

3. ...carrying a dinner order to table # 34

4. ...performing a puppet show

6. ...lifting weights

7. ... cheerleading

8. ... re-enacting scene from Say Anything

Fictional Character Secrets

2010-06-18T18:46:00.004-04:00

Do you need a break from the media's non-stop coverage of the victims in Haiti? Just kidding. (Haiti is so 3 months ago!!) I meant the BP oil spill. Well, CNN thinks you do (need a break). That's why I checked out its 700-word article on the full names of fictional characters. (The link is here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/wayoflife/06/13/mf.real.names.fictional.characters/index.html.)

The highlight of the article is the discovery of a deleted scene from Sesame Street in which Snuffleupagus (first name: Aloysius) tells the kids that his parents are separating. The producers ultimately chose not to air the footage after children in the test audience were "devastated" to learn of something so decidely adult.

After some research, Free Pants uncovered other secrets of popular fictional characters that were deemed "too adult" for children's programming. Enjoy.

1. McGruff the Crime Dog turned down for a small business loan

2. The Count: spends paycheck on strippers

3. Garfield: arrested for a DUI and manslaughter during a drunk driving incident in 1987.

4. Pillsbury Doughboy enjoys golden showers

5. Elmer Fudd caught on To Catch a Predator

6. Bob the Builder spends free time building abortion clinics

7. Mr. Magoo: slave owner

8. Hamburger Helper: former porn star

Eat This AND That

2010-06-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

With the advent of nacho "cheesier" Doritos and the newfound sexiness of diabetes, long-term weight loss has become even harder to achieve. Luckily, Men's Health magazine proffers sage advice in their monthly Eat This; Not That series.

Not familiar? Basically they show an item you should avoid (Don't eat a triple cheeseburger from McDonald's!) and provide a healthier alternative (pantomine eating a triple cheeseburger from McDonald's!).

Each month they ask a special guest to oversee the article. This month the guest editor is Gabourey Sidibe, the obese actress who took Hollywood and local Baskin Robbins stores by storm by playing Precious. Bon Appetit.

Don't eat: Sushi

Instead Eat: Fish and Chips

Reason: If you want to be like Precious, you've got to eat your fried fish

Don't eat: KFC Double down

Instead eat: Big mac surrounded by two KFC double downs

Reason: It's delicious

Don't eat: Ice Cream

Instead eat: Ice Cream bookended by two KFC double downs.

Reason: It's even more delicious

New Movie Reviews -- 5/13/10

2010-05-13T15:31:00.008-04:00

Letters to Juliet -- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): An American girl on vacation in Italy finds an unanswered "letter to Juliet" -- one of thousands of missives left at the fictional lover's Verona courtyard, which are typically answered by a the "secretaries of Juliet" -- and she goes on a quest to find the lovers referenced in the letter.

Free Pants' Take: There is something heartening about the elusiveness and mystery of love in an age where technology allows us to follow Lindsay Lohan's bowel movements; however, this power should only be used for good and not as the emotional core of a crappy movie about returning mail. The IMDB synopsis reads like the boring conversations I have with coworkers or dying relatives who keep telling me to take my knee off their chest. Relax.

This is a chick move. Men don't write letters addressed to the heavens; they show up at the object of their affection's house, embarrass themselves, and move on. It is every woman's dream to write a love note and send it to no one with the hope that some other chick will connect the dots and make the romance work. This movie glorifies laziness.

Special note: If you rollover the "spoiler alert" text for key words on IMDB.com, it reads: "Cemetery" and "Balcony." Didn't realize that was a spoiler. Make sure to ruin the movie for the women you know who plan to see this. Tell them, "I heard they used balconies in that movie." Then, punch them in the ribs.

Unexpected Scene: In the final scene of the movie, Amanda Seyfried's character finally reunites the old woman (Vanessa Redgrave) and old man (not important). The old man pushes the old woman out of his way and starts making out with Amanda Seyfried's character. Old woman hangs herself.

Just Wright -- -15 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A physical therapist, Leslie Wright, falls for the basketball player she is helping recover from a career-threatening injury.

Free Pants' Take: Pants cannot abide puns in movie titles. Below is a list of better movie plots with the title Just Wright.

Alternate Plot # 1: Documentary about Steven Wright in which we witness his creation of a new stand-up special. There is no v.o. and he won't share his writing with the crew so most of the film is just him thinking and drinking coffee. Starring Queen Latifah as his landlord.

Alternate Plot # 2: The story of the Wright brothers, their first attempts at aviation, and their struggle to find true love with their maid Ava (Queen Latifah).

Alternate Plot # 3: I hum the Jeopardy! theme music while my girlfriend uses the bathroom. Queen Latifah is the toilet.

Unexpected Scene: actors actually playing basketball.

Robin Hood -- 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com): The story of an archer in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion who fights against the Norman invaders and becomes the legendary hero known as Robin Hood.

Free Pants' Take: This movie is a prequel of sorts -- it's about the events that led up to Robin Hood's creed of "steal from the rich; feed the poor." As far a prequels go, this is at the bottom of my list along with Jaws (Amity Island was just a great place to live), and Jurassic Park (cloning a dinosaur was years away). Also, let's be honest: does anyone care what happened that long ago? Today we have air conditioners and Halo III. No wonder they're so angry.

Unexpected Scene: Entire movie has a laugh track.

Facebook Likes This Post

2010-04-28T23:44:00.008-04:00

Unless you've locked yourself in a room until Jesse James and Sandra Bullock work through their issues, you're probably aware that Facebook has launched a new program which will facilitate communications between outside sites.

Basically, unless you change your privacy settings, facebook will share your information with other sites like CNN.com or youtube (if you read an article on yahoonews.com, you can click on the "like" button or recommend it to friends). Privacy advocates are upset -- but they probably have something to hide, anyway.

Free Pants supports full transparency and can't wait to see his friends' private information.

Take a look at some of the lesser-known sites facebook is partnering with.

#1. Bank of America -- Your bank statements

#2. Gmail Chat -- Break-up emails

#3. Yahoo.com -- Your obituary

Thanks for rendering the Patriot Act useless, facebook; the government doesn't need to spy on us when we're just handing over all of our information, anyway.

Monologue # 5

2010-04-20T09:45:00.001-04:00

According to reports, a senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes. In response, a reporter asked, “Ms. Palin, why are you dressed as an Iranian cleric?”

After the Healthcare bill was signed into law, the headline on foxnews read: “Obama to America: “I win; you lose.” People have said that the editors of foxnews should crawl into a hole and die, but thanks to health care reform, we won’t let that happen.

Microsoft has developed a computer-interface system called Skinput that turns a person's hand into a keyboard and screen for surfing the Internet. The product is expected to do poorly since most people have no free hands when surfing the internet.

It’s been reported that there is a new genital disorder which leaves women in a constant state of sexual arousal. Although doctors do not agree on a cure, they do agree that arriving at the diagnosis is a lot of fun.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. The kids admitted they shouldn’t have rented a limo from Nicholas Cage.

Porn company Vivid Entertainment has offered to bail out the Octomom from foreclosure if she agrees to take off her clothes for a film. In a related story, Vivid entertainment also offered to bail out Kirstie Alley if she agrees to never take off her clothes.

A New Jersey man was jailed after he intentionally vomited on patrons during a Phillies game. Witnesses say the assailant hit both of his targets – a man and his daughter. In response, the Phillies immediately signed him.

Monologue # 4

2010-04-19T10:38:00.001-04:00

The U.S. News Media Group unveiled their 2010 rankings for America's Best Nursing Homes. The best was California's Golden Years Community Center while the worst was still Thatcher’s Funeral home.

Actress Mo' Nique revealed that she and her husband Sidney Hicks have an open marriage. Apparently, Hicks was upset with the compromise as he wanted to sleep only with other women.

In Houston there was a big turnout for a job fair for convicted felons. Apparently, they put all of the applicants in a room and the boss picked new hires from a line-up.

It’s been reported that two women in the UK were arrested for taking a corpse onto an airplane. The charges were dropped when officials realized it was just Larry King.

McDonald’s is offering a new Big Mac wrap to busy customers as a more convenient way to eat their favorite food. To make it even more convenient, they will also offer a wrap which customers can dump directly into the toilet.

It’s been reported that the fourth most popular term searched on the Internet by children under the age of 7 is "porn." In an unrelated story, the most popular term searched on the Internet by R. Kelly is “children under the age of 7.”

It’s been reported that the fourth most popular term searched on the internet by children under the age of 7 is "porn." This falls below searches for "Yahoo," "Youtube," and "Mandy Patinkin."

Monologue # 3

2010-04-15T08:22:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. If anyone in New Orleans had power or a television, they’d be so proud.

The head of a new literacy program says that letting kids read to dogs will build their confidence because the children won’t feel judged by something with less intelligence. If no dogs are available, he lets the children read to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Bill Gates submitted a patent for technology that would allow him to control the weather. In an unrelated story, Steve Jobs’ house was destroyed yesterday by 12 hurricanes.

According to a recent study, obesity is a major contributor to erectile dysfunction. Researchers were relieved saying, “Thank God. All these years we thought it was just because of Joy Behar.”

A soldier returning home from Iraq surprised his daughter on her birthday by popping out of a box and exclaiming, “Daddy’s home!” The next day she tried to return him for a Nintendo Wii.

In response to scams involving phony ATM machines, the New York City police department is telling people to avoid any ATM that is unmarked, in a seedy location, or really just a guy wearing a shirt that reads: “ATM” who says, “Give me your debit card!”

Monologue # 2

2010-04-14T09:05:00.001-04:00

The tagline for Amelia, the new movie about Amelia Earhart, is: "defying the impossible; living the dream." It tested far better than the original tagline: “The Hilary Clinton of aviation.”

Automakers are gearing up to produce cars equipped with Internet access and display screens, which will allow people to do fun things while driving like find themselves in Wikipedia by searching “douchebag.”

Pet blogging -- where people write from their pet’s point of view -- is on the rise. Just yesterday, a blog post from Tiger Woods’ dog read: “Master will be in my house for a long time.”

Alex Greven, the 10-year old author of best-selling books How to Talk to Girls and How to Talk to Dads has already inked a deal to write a follow-up in 20 years. The book will be called How to Talk to Virgins or How to Talk to Alex Greven.

An Austrian man was arrested for fathering children with his daughter and locking them all in his basement. In addition to facing charges, he will also be replacing Steve Martin in the sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen.

Monologue # 1

2010-04-08T11:07:00.001-04:00

Clay Aiken announced that he is gay. He also announced that the Earth revolves around the sun and that Amy Winehouse eats from the same dumpster she sleeps in.

At Christie's, which just held an auction of memorabilia from bands of the 60's, a signed copy of a Jimi Hendrix album was sold for $20,000. Still available are illegitimate children fathered by Mick Jagger.

There’s a new MP3 device called Toilet Tunes that, when hooked up to your toilet, plays music every time the seat is left up. The problem is that it only plays the chorus of The Band’s hit song The Weight.

The Time Traveler’s Wife -- a movie about a man who suffers from a disorder that forces him to disappear suddenly -- was released this week. Governor Sanford told his wife that the movie was based on him -- then, he flew to Argentina.

A New York City councilwoman wants to honor Michael Jackson by renaming a subway station after him. She also wants to honor George Michael by establishing a walking tour of the bathroom stalls in which he gets arrested for performing sex acts.

It was reported that a 14-year old girl with amnesia turned up in New York City this weekend. The last thing she remembers is Roman Polanski handing her a drink and telling her to “say cheese.”

Earth Hour – a time during which people will turn off their electricity to raise awareness for climate change – will take place next week. Everyone is expected to participate simultaneously except for the people in New Orleans who have already been without power since Katrina -- way to show your commitment, guys!

Barnes and Noble just unveiled its new E-reader this weekend. It costs $245 and is part of a new trend in which companies are pushing for nerds to not only to be beaten but robbed, too.

In Russia, a circus trainer was mauled by an ice-skating bear. Doctors think he would have survived, but then a shark parachuted into his ambulance and ate him.

Shiloh Pepin, a girl who was born with fused legs, a rare condition called "mermaid syndrome," has died. She will be tossed back into the ocean next week.

It was reported that the janitor of a New Jersey church murdered a priest during a heated argument. Police say the crime scene was a mess, but luckily the janitor was there to clean it up.

Anyone Who Arrests You is Not Really Your Facebook Friend

2010-04-07T09:42:00.001-04:00

In an effort to reduce crime, the FBI has been creating false facebook and twitter profiles to communicate with and gather private information from suspected terrorists and criminals; however, it's been reported that the success rate is low because the agents aren't well-versed in the social networking arena.

Free Pants disagrees and thinks the feds are great at their duplicity. Take a look at their work on Bin Laden's facebook page. Can you spot the undercover federal investigators?

Rejection

2010-03-29T14:57:00.009-04:00

For your daily dose of denial, I provide you with an article in the Wall Street Journal that extols the virtues of rejection. The article, penned by failed journalist Sue Shellenbarger, lists famous overachievers who have succeeded despite receiving rejection letters from colleges. The article goes on to list people like Tom Brokaw, Meredith Viera, and Warren Buffet -- people who all bounced back from the Harvard rejection letters by toiling in blue collar jobs. Just kidding; they simply attended other prestigious universities.

For example:

Warren Buffet

Rejected from: Harvard
Went to: Columbia
Now: billionaire

Is this really a triumph of the human spirit? I think the WSJ left out a few people. Luckily, Free Pants has provided a complete list.

# 1

Steve Smith

Rejected from: UMass Boston
Went to: Devry technical training school
Now: delivers mini-fridges to students at UMass Boston

# 2

Arlene Moskowitz:

Rejected from: Brandeis
Went to: a dumpster behind Sleepys to get high
Now: lives in a dumpster being Sleepys

# 3

Marcus Garrison

Rejected from: USC
Went to: jail
Now: dead

Thanks, Wall Street Journal. Please return to Obamacare bashing with renewed vigor.

Original article from WSJ:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704211704575139891390595962.html

The Terrorists Win

2010-03-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

It's been almost ten years since 9/11 and we have not yet rebuilt the twin towers. To some, this would seem depressing -- a metaphor for the America's decaying values and work ethic -- but not to Cheryl Palmer; she see this as an opportunity.

Cheryl is the Vice President of Club Quarters, Inc., a company that has decided to build a luxury hotel on the ground zero site so patrons can witness the construction.

According to Cheryl:

"People choose to be here because they want to be close to it. They want to feel it, they want to celebrate. They want to remember," she said, standing by an open-air patio overlooking the site. "We have a very accessible view on it."

Not only do they want to feel it, they want to have barbecues and swim laps next to it.

Also, according to the article:

"Guests and members will have access to the restaurant patio with views of giant cranes, jackhammers and metal scaffolding."

Free Pants thinks this is a capitol idea and has already filled out his trip advisor commentary to help support the hotel's efforts.

Check it out the photos!

The rationalization of our failure is so depressing, I'm fairly certain even the terrorists are despondent. When a country can't even build two buildings in 10 years, but can erect crappy hotels that boast spacious views of rubble, it's safe to say that the terrorists not only win, but are probably a little sad to know how easy it was to keep us down.

History Written by the Losers

2010-03-16T12:08:00.025-04:00

According to an article in the New York Times that will soon be filed in my box of reasons to commit suicide/homicide (along with the existence of mancations and the success of Glee), the Texas Board of Education has approved a curriculum that will significantly rewrite history so that it's seen through a more conservative lens.

Dr. Don McLeroy, a member of the panel comprising dentists, not historians, thinks they are merely "adding a balance. Academia is already too skewed to the left*."

Good point, Don. What's the boards new take on American history? Below are a list of the actual (seriously, take a look at the link to the NYT article below if you don't believe me) proposed changes:

In an effort to make America look less racist, the text will include sections on how the government forced Germans and Italians -- not just the Japanese -- into internment camps during World War II.
"Imperialism" will be renamed "Expansionism"
There were "unintended consequences" from the Great Society legislation that produced Affirmative Action
Thomas Jefferson isn't a Founding Father and his writings have had no effect on revolutions of the 18th and 19th centuries. (That one was a pretty obvious liberal bias.)

Well, at least children will be taught that the founding fathers protected religious freedom in America by barring the government from promoting or disfavoring any particular religion above all others, right? Nope. They voted to remove that.

Mary Helen Berlanga, a Latino board member who lobbied to have more multi-cultural teachings in the text, stormed out of the meeting, saying, “They can just pretend this is a white America and Hispanics don’t exist.”

Don agreed, saying, "Finally. Thank you, whoever that was." Then, she was deported.

All of the above information has already been reported (except for Berlanga's deportation). What hasn't yet been released is the latest iteration of the document. Luckily, Free Pants received a copy. Take a look at the new changes to the curriculum:

A misunderstanding based on semantics: the government didn't hold Japanese (and Italians and Germans) against their will in internment camps; they were simply "interns" who volunteered to help the government by forgoing pay (and food). Just like the Jewish "interns" in Germany.
Underground railroad discriminated against whites. Not only were they not allowed to use it; they were kept from even knowing of its existence.
Ben Franklin didn't invent electricity; Jesus did.
Frank Wills, the security guard who reported the break-in at Watergate, is the biggest tattle tale in history.
Replaced the word "slave" with "helper"
Cold War section replaced with script of Rocky III.
Columbus and his men defended themselves against lazy, Native American squatters by bravely infecting them with syphilis
Martin Luther King, Jr.? Gay
Jefferson insisted upon the separation of Church and State; luckily, God did not include that when He wrote the Constitution.

Start studying.

* left = truth

Ful article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/13/education/13texas.html

Don't Label me, FDA

2010-03-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Has society or the person sitting next to you on a plane ever tried to blame your obesity on you? Tell them to back off. Turns out it's not your fault -- it's the fault of manufacturers who place misleading labels about fiber content on your 24-pack of Twinkies. Or at least that's what nutritionist Marion Nestle thinks. In her speech to the FDA today she said that the public is "demonstrably confused about what to eat."

She asserts that manufacturers' labels with positive claims such as "good source of fiber" or "cholesterol-free" on items that are not entirely healthy lead to confusion, overeating, and eventually obesity.

Based on her recommendations, the FDA will devote untold hours and tax dollars to create consistent labels based on an established criteria "which consumers are going to find most useful and that's actually going to give them accurate information."

Free Pants completely agrees with this course of action. But rather than waste time and energy that could be better spent on military robots, I've come up with a pretty simple label to help clarify the issue for the public.

Consuming a product with this symbol imprinted on the package will make you fat:

Full article here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/fdaworkingtoreplacemisleadingfoodlabels

Everybody Loves Obesity

2010-03-11T19:07:00.045-05:00

Let's face it: obesity is sweeping the nation. It's probably even more popular than vampires or earthquakes in foreign countries.

For example, Precious, the critically lauded film about a fat chick's problems, has introduced to the world Gabourey Sidibe, the obese actress who portrayed the character in the title role.

In spite or perhaps because of the comments made about Sidibe's future career in Hollywood (i.e., she will be relegated to "fat" roles like the funny friend or the boulder that almost crushes Indiana Jones), casting directors and agents have insisted that Sidibe has enough talent to be cast in leading roles.

Free Pants agrees. I would love to see Precious recast as the lead in some of Hollywood's classic movies, if only for the significant change in tone and running time.

Grab two tubs of popcorn and enjoy.

American Pie

Role: Natalia (formerly played by Shannon Elizabeth)

Original Memorable Scene: Jim (Biggs) inserts his genitalia into an apple pie to simulate sex

New Memorable Scene: Natalia (Precious) eats the apple pie, then Jim (Biggs).

Sleepless in Seattle

Role: Annie (formerly played by Meg Ryan)

Original Category: Romantic Comedy

New Genre: Horror Film

Old memorable Scene: While listening to a radio call-in show, Annie (Meg Ryan) falls in love with a caller after they say the word "magic" simultaneously.

New Memorable Scene: While listening to a radio call-in show, Annie (Precious) falls in love with Snickers bars after she and the announcer from the Snickers commercial say "Nougettaboutit" simultaneously.

Two Weeks Notice

Role: Lucy Kelson (formerly played by Sandra Bullock)

New film Running Time: 30 seconds

Only dialogue in the film:

Lucy (Precious): "I'm giving my two weeks notice."

George Wade (Hugh Grant): "Great. Thanks. See ya!"

Lara Croft Tomb Raider

Role: Lara Croft (formerly played by Angelina Jolie)

Plot: Lara Croft races against time and villains to recover powerful ancient artifacts

Original Opening Sequence: Croft (Jolie) races through an intense obstacle course.

New Opening Sequence: Croft (Precious) is rushed to the emergency room after suffering complications from diabetes.

Cast Away

Role: Chuck Noland (formerly played by Tom Hanks)

Original running time: 2 hours, 45 minutes

New Running Time: 5 minutes

Old Plot: After a plane crash on a deserted island, Chuck Noland (Hanks) must learn to live off the land

New plot: Opening credits. Noland (Precious) enters the airport and is turned away because she is too fat to fly. End Credits.

Monologue Mondays

2010-03-08T16:50:00.011-05:00

Leftovers:

Actress Mo' Nique revealed that she and her husband Sidney Hicks have an open marriage. Apparently, Hicks was upset with the compromise as he wanted to sleep only with other women.

According to reports, Americans who planned to adopt Haitian children say their dreams were crushed due to the delays caused by the earthquake. The Haitian children agreed, saying their dreams were also crushed, along with their legs.

A trainer was killed in Seaworld last week when a killer whale attacked her just as she was telling the the crowd what to expect during the show. Later, the crowd said the trainer was being modest and that the show far exceeded their expectations.

McDonald’s is offering a new Big Mac wrap to busy customers as a more convenient way to eat their favorite food. To make it even more convenient, they will also offer a box of diarrhea which customers can dump directly into the toilet.

TV chef Paula Dean is still recovering from wounds inflicted upon her when someone threw a turkey at her last week. It seems that turning the tables is sweeping the nation -- yesterday, a radio took a dump on Lady Gaga.

Starbucks managers have defended their decision to allow patrons to carry guns in their stores by saying they are upholding state laws and allowing its customers their rights. Also, for a limited time, a cup of coffee comes with a free abortion performed by one of their baristas.

Lisa Brown was crowned the world’s fastest texter at the national convention last week. "Finally," she said, "I’ve let the world know I’m an idiot without saying a word."

Johnny Di Palma, the 9-year old labeled a pizza prodigy, says that one day he hopes to be a pizza maker full-time. When asked what he would do if that dream failed, he replied, "I’ll probably just end up as a pizza maker."

Movie Guide Cheat Sheet

2010-03-02T16:11:00.010-05:00

There are few things in life worse than listening to someone pontificate about the meaning of a movie, television show, or their biopsy results. To combat these blowhards, Free Pants has provided a definitive guide (in one sentence) to classic movies that will enable you to shut down any hipsters' yammering.

Pretty Woman

Synopsis: Guy falls in love with his prostitute.
Message: Treat (and tip) prostitutes well.

Precious

Synopsis: fat chick has problems.
Message: Obese people don't like 1) to be made fun of 2) losing their feet to diabetes (in no particular order)

Weird Science

Synopsis: Geeks build a sex robot but don't have sex with it.
Message: Women aren't sex robots. Sex robots aren't even sex robots.

Sleepless in Seattle

Synopsis: Mentally unbalanced stalker gets her prey.
Message: infidelity is justifiable if your fiance is nice and suffers from boring allergies.

Karate Kid

Plot: Kid uses violence to tell other kids that violence is never the answer

Message: violence never solves anything unless you're really, really good at it.

Field of Dreams

Plot: Guy ruins finances and marriage to play baseball with his dead dad.

Message: Always listen to the crazy voices in your head

Die Hard

Plot: Cop fights terrorists; befriends fat cop

Message: terrorists are bad; fat cop learns to kill again.

Cat's in the Cradle in a Nursing Home

2010-02-03T20:56:00.015-05:00

There comes a time in everyone's life when he must decide whether or not to put his parents (or random old people) into a nursing home. Traditionally, this has been a difficult decision, agonized over for months or even years. Luckily, the good people at U.S. News Media Group unveiled their 2010 rankings for America's Best Nursing Homes by state, which makes the decision not only tolerable but sorta fun.

Thing is: everyone is quick to focus on the best nursing homes, but what about the worst ones? Free Pants has them here.

#1.

State: Oregon

Worst Nursing Home: Red Lobster*

#2.

State: New Jersey

Worst Nursing Home: Garden State Parkway Tollbooth, exit 105

#3.

State: Texas

Worst Nursing Home: Thatcher Funeral Home

*Red Lobster is listed as one of the best nursing homes in Mississippi

Super Bowl Issues

2010-02-01T16:11:00.025-05:00

There are only a handful of times in life when a man does not want to think -- during sex, during sports, and during terrorist attacks (President Bush only). You can imagine my dismay upon learning of a new political ad that will now be featured during the Superbowl.

The ad, sponsored by Christian group Focus on the Family, will "Celebrate family [and] life" by showing photos of Tim Tebow while his mother informs that audience that she was urged by her doctors to undergo an abortion for medical reasons. The message is, I dunno, ignoring medical advice can lead to endorsement deals.

This has sparked an uproar from pro-choice advocates, women's groups, and people who are afraid this may have pre-empted another breast-filled godaddy.com spot. They claim that networks have always had a standards and practices policy in place that would preclude them from airing political spots. CBS has said they have essentially revoked that policy. Unfortunately, this means that some of our favorite superbowl commercials may become politicized. Check out a few examples of the new ads for this year's superbowl.

Ad # 1: Volvo cx60

Description: glamourous shots of the Volvo SUV driving along desert roads until it reaches it's final destination: the mexican border where the driver kicks out all of the illegal immigrants he picked up along the way -- thank goodness for that extra legroom.

Tagline: Finally, a luxury car that does what your governent can't do.

Sponsored by: Ron Paul

Ad # 2: Bud Bowl XXV

Description: Budweiser and Bud Light are at it again. The two titans of beer face each other on the field to see who is the ultimate champion. But here's the twist: after all of these years together, they realize they no longer want to fight; they want to love. After declaring their feelings for each other, they forfeit the game and head to Massachusetts to get hitched.
Sponsored by: Gay and Lesbian Alliance; Miller Lite

Ad # 3: E*Trade

Description: the hilarious Etrade baby is back and talking to us about everyone's favorite subject: the stock market. Right in the middle of one of his hilarious expressions, a burglar breaks into the house and shoots him dead. If only his parents kept a gun in the house.
Sponsored by: NRA

Personally, I think the best rebuttal is to air the same commercial with identical content, except replace Tim Tebow with Carson Daly.

Special Movie Review: Precious

2010-01-13T08:10:00.003-05:00

I consider myself a man of culture and sophistication: I watch movies with subtitles (for people speaking different languages, not just for zombie-speak), I'm a voracious reader of newspapers and street signs, and I insist on being gender-blind when it comes to using public restrooms. So you can imagine my surprise when I left a screening of the movie Precious -- one of the most critically lauded films of 2009 -- feeling pretty pissed.

The movie, which has nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, tells the story of Precious, a morbidly obese teenage girl who endures a laundry list of horrors so great, it seems at times as if the writer was watching old Roadrunner cartoons while penning the screenplay/novel.

Here's a rundown. Precious is:

repeatedly raped and impregnated by her father
physically and emotionally abused by her mother
illiterate
diagnosed with HIV
raising a baby with down syndrome
flattened like a pancake by an ACME steamroller
shocked when her rocket skates accidentally send her off a cliff.

Oh yeah, and she's morbidly obese.

Don't get me wrong, fat people deserve the utmost respect and should proudly take off their shirts for their weigh-ins on the Biggest Loser, but it's hard to root for a protagonist that repulses the audience to the point where they are rooting for her abusers.

For example, in one scene, Precious's mother forces her daughter to eat despite her claim that she is "not hungry!" The scene is supposed to play as cruel, but let's be honest: she's huge! This woman could eat the rack of ribs that knocks over the Flintstones car in the opening credits. When I watched the scene unfold, I thought: "Wait just five minutes. Then, you'll be hungry enough to eat the dinner and your mother, which will solve a few of your problems."

Ultimately, the producers failed at the most basic storytelling level: you have to give your protagonist a GOAL and then a desire to reach it. The movie could have benefited from scenes showcasing her efforts to change her life. You know, throw a book on the floor out of frustration and then pick it up and try again. Instead, we get fantasy sequences of her dancing after a pretty hilarious scene in which she falls on her ass.

In the end, it seems like she just lets other, more capable people lead her to a better path and yet we're expected to shed tears at her harrowing story. I dunno. Terrible things happen to people all the time. The horrors inflicted upon a person shouldn't be her only value. Take away her abuse, and Precious isn't really anything special; she's like all the other fat chicks I push into mailboxes.

Unexpected Scene: After Precious flees the abuse at her mother's house, she stays with her dead rapist father's family: the lovable Klumps!

Breast Cancer is Still Here; Facebook Likes This

2010-01-10T22:52:00.006-05:00

If you're not too busy tweeting about Irritable Bowel Syndrome, you've probably heard of the latest grass-roots campaign designed to raise awareness of breast cancer -- something that falls somewhere in between oxygen and the sun on a list of things of which people are unaware.

This new "unawareness" battle is being fought by tweens and adults (with the brains of tweens) on Facebook. Here's the breakdown: a chain letter was sent only to women (and audiences of Fox's Glee) in which it requested that women replace their typical Facebook status updates concerning the day-to-day movements of their cats/bowels with bra colors. The idea apparently being that women, audience members of Fox's Glee, and men will remember that women have breasts. I didn't need Facebook to remind me of that; that's what reruns of Married with Children are for.

How knowing the color of my grandmother's bra will translate into money to fund cancer research is unclear. But at least people who spend their time blogging and tweeting about themselves and Jersey Shore will feel as if they've done something good for humanity.

My message is simple: we are screwed. These tweens will be the ones who burn us for fuel to power their robotic desks/vaginas and the only thing left to do is embrace our shared, doomed destiny.

On a final note: here's something the creators of this gorilla campaign didn't think of: the pesky women on Facebook with cancer who have had to undergo double mastectomies. It might be hard for them to write down their bra color seeing as they no longer need one. Such downers, they are.

*spell check recognizes vagina, but not vaginas. Poor, inexperienced spell check.

Apologies to Free Pants readers

2009-12-29T22:07:00.003-05:00

Dear loyal readers,

I apologize for not posting over the past few months -- I've been busy pursuing other ventures. However, you'll be happy to know that I will be penning more hilarious posts on a more consistent basis.

You're welcome.

The Pants

It's a Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat World

2009-11-18T15:06:00.015-05:00

Have you ever seen an animal dressed in a sweater or eating your brother-in-law and thought to yourself: "I wish this animal could be superimposed on my photo of me whacking off in my pants!" Well, the wait is over. An internet company has lauched an iPhone app called CatPaint, which allows the user to add cats to any photo on their iPod or iPhone for just $1. I would suggest spending that dollar on hiring someone to kick you in the groin, but that's just my opinion.

Luckily, the federal government has received a demo of the application and has already used "Wally the Cat" to "cuten up" some of the photos of our country's tragedies in its iPone. The Deputy Secretary of White House Communications also provided commentary. Take a look:

1. JFK Assassination

"Those horrible people were really after poor Wally! Luckily, they hit our President instead!"

2. 9/11

"Don't worry, falling man. Wally is there to catch you!"

3. Rodney King Beating

"Wally doesn't mind when officers of the law gather to pet him, but he understands why they get upset when Rodney King cuts the line."

4. Atomic Bomb dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki

"Wally travels to Hiroshima after our little 'experiment.' Oops."

5. Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford

"They both have limited intelligence and live in their own feces, but Wally is cuter!"

Here's the full article:
http://tech.yahoo.com/news/macworld/20091118/tc_macworld/catpaintiphoneappaddscatstoanyphoto

Incredible Honk

2009-11-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

Put down that smart bomb and pick up a tuba. That's the message trumpeted (get it?) by HONK!, a street fair festival in Davis Square that harnesses the power of virginity to end war. Basically, the organizers and their followers fight tyranny and oppression by dressing up in band costumes and playing Hot Cross Buns in front of local Chipotle stores.

From the website:

"They honk their horns for the same reasons motorists honk theirs: to arouse fellow travelers, to warn of danger, to celebrate milestones, and to just plain have fun."

Celebrate milestones? "Hey honey, we just put your parents in a home." HOOONNNKK!!!

Curiously absent from their list of reasons:

to taunt pedestrians/senators you're about to hit.
to bleep out dirty words at drive-in movies.

Again, from the website:

"Every one of these bands has a unique sense of humor to complement their sound, as they mock and discredit the roots of hatred and injustice through the whimsical act of making music together."

Weird. And this whole time, I just thought it was an excuse for virgins to get together, play dress up, and avoid employment. But hey, I'm a fair person. So, let's see how Honk! matches up against some of the greatest injustices in history:

Honk Vs Jesus' Crucifixion

Strategy: Honk! plays searing rendition of Livin' on a Prayer
Outcome: Jesus still crucified but doesn't mind as much.

Winner? Pharisees.

2.

Honk vs Atomic Bomb

Strategy: Honk! undermines authority of bomb by playing "Wah wah wah" as it drops on Hiroshima.

Outcome: People ridicule and laugh at the bomb. Then, it explodes and kills them all.

Winner? Bomb

3.

Honk Vs.Tienanmen Square

Strategy: Honk! plays Stop! (in the name of love) to oncoming tanks
Outcome: Tanks run over Honk!; protesters and government united in relief, happiness

Winner? Humanity

If you want to learn more about Honk!, place yourself into a barrel and enlist friends to dump you in the ocean.

Beatles Catalog Sold to Advertisers

2009-10-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not know, Michael Jackson, suspected child molester and occasional dancer, died leaving his estate in financial ruin. The people in charge of his estate have considered selling his rights to the Beatles catalogue with the hope of once again becoming financially solvent.

Of course, advertisers are seeking to purchase these long sought after songs to repurpose them into jingles for their products. take a look at some of the commercials currently in development:

Beatles' Song: "All you need is Love"

Ad Song: "All you need is Dove"

Beatles' Song: "(Get By) With a Little Help from my Friends"

Ad Song: "(Get By) With a Little Help from Depends"

Beatles' Song: "Strawberry Fields Forever"

Ad Song: "Strawberry Fields Forever" -- (theme song for new VH1 reality show about Darryl Strawberry's return to baseball)

Beatles' Song: "Here Comes the Sun"

Ad Song: "Here comes Funyons"

Beatles' Song: "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

Ad Song: "I Want to Hold Your Ham" (Boar's Head)

Beatles' Song: "Got to Get You Into My Life"

Ad Song: "Got to Get You Into My Wife" (new theme song for ABC's Wife Swap)

Beatles' Song: "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window"

Ad Song: "She Could See Through the Bathroom Window" (Thanks to Windex!)

Beatles' Song: "Come Together"

Purchased by: KY Jelly

Old Lyric: "Come together right now. Over me."

New Lyric: The same

Everybody Wang Chungbot Tonight

2009-10-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

There must be something universal about our desire to perish at the hands of self-aware robots. Despite the prevalence of Terminator movies, scientists and Congress continue to further the robot revolution by programming robots to perform tasks now completed by illegal immigrants.

The latest robot is called Chungbot (see above), and he is making his rounds in Army hospitals around the country. What is Chungbot? It's a 5 ft. tall robot with a computer monitor for a head. On that computer monitor is the face of Dr. Chung -- Chungbot's inventor -- who is being beamed from the webcam of his personal computer. One can only imagine the wide array of screensavers Chungbot displays after remaining idle following his evisceration of you and your family.

According to the article:

"With his proxy's camera zooming and wireless antennas beaming Chung stood in a kitchen in VA and examined his patient from 1,500 miles away, providing a connection between doctor and patient even as Chung was on vacation."

What the article doesn't report on is how Dr. Chung responds when the Chungbot accidentally removes testicles from men during routine prostate exams, especially those men who are not expecting an examination when they bump into the Chungbot at Home Depot.

The video at yahoonews.com contains footage of the Chungbot bursting through hospital doors like John Wayne entering a saloon (only instead of ordering a drink, Chungbot accidentally decapitates nurses before launching into a game of free cell).

I have to admit: I love Chungbot. It's a robotic proxy that can run all of the embarrassing or tedious errands I currently send my nephew to do.

Here's a breakdown of JoeBot's new responsibilities:

1. Proudly Attend Mets Games

2. Rent embarrassing adult films like Hot Asian Cheerleaders # 13 and Mean Girls

3. Make small talk with coworkers in men's room

4. Get robbed by the homeless guys who sleep inside Radioshack

5. Tell parents I'm putting them in a home

6. Attend funerals

7. Drive girlfriend to Planned Parenthood

See you at the salt mines.

Sincerely,

Joebot

Stand-Up -- featuring 16% new material

2009-09-20T22:44:00.001-04:00

Obituary

2009-09-16T20:19:00.003-04:00

CNN.com reported that actor Henry Gibson died today at 73 years old. The outpouring of sympathy from celebrities has been unanimous. Most say the same thing:

"Who the hell is Henry Gibson?"

Rest in peace, Gibby.

Letter to the New Yorker

2009-08-26T15:15:00.006-04:00

Dear New Yorker,

I am writing to report a problem with my August 24th issue. My Shouts and Murmurs section was missing its humor. I looked for it throughout the rest of the magazine -- I even tried searching for it in a 10,000 word article about deep sea diving. I also tried closing and reopening the magazine with mixed results. I already spoke with one of your editors on the phone and they assured me that they have no problem on their end. Thinking that it was a problem with my issue, I checked my friend's copy and found the same problem. This is frustrating.

Can you please resend me and my friend our August 24th issues replete with humor (post haste)?

Thanks,

The Pants

Anne Frank: The Sequel

2009-08-22T18:31:00.033-04:00

In "Oh Good" news, Disney has acquired the rights to the Diary of Anne Frank and plans to "reimagine" the film for today's moviegoing audiences. Will it contain one, two or all of the Jonas Brothers? The press release doesn't say.

I think we all can agree, however, that out of all the movie studios in Hollywood, Disney is the one most interested in storytelling rather than sacrificing artistic integrity for profit*. After several phone calls, Free Pants was able to obtain plot synopses from an Anne Frank brainstorming session that took place within Disney studios.

Idea # 1

Title: Honey, I Shrunk the Franks

Plot: You would think after the many indignities, embarrassments and rapes suffered by the Szalinski family, Wayne (Rick Moranis) would destroy his shrinking machine. You'd be wrong!

This time, after lightning strikes the family toilet (voice of Andy Rooney), it becomes an enchanted time machine that sends Wayne, his entire family and the shrinking machine back in time to 1944 Germany.

Will Wayne use his shrinking machine to help hide the Franks or sell it to the nazis to finally pay off his boat (and gambling debts)? How will the love triangle play out between Anne, Peter Van Pels, and the cute Nazi soldier (High School Musical's Zac Efron!)

Sample Dialogue:

Toilet (Voice of Andy Rooney): We must ensure that we don't damage the very fabric of our existence! Whooooosh!!!!!

(Anne flushes the toilet after using it)

Idea # 2

Title: High School Musical 4

Plot: Being a teenager is tough! Anne Frank (Alexis Bledel) is praised for her mastery of prose and the beauty of her writing, but what she really wants to do is sing A Capella. Jim Hitler (Chace Crawford) is great at shooting Jews, but his heart isn't in it; he'd rather be singing in the school choir. Fathers of both teenagers disapprove.

To stymie the kids' budding love, Hitler sends the Franks to a death camp. Will Anne find a way out of the camp in time for the school talent show? Will Adolf Hitler (Eugene Levy) and Otto Frank (Patton Oswalt) realize the error of their ways after seeing the kids perform? Guest musical duet by Miley Cyrus and Chris Isaak!

Sample Dialogue:

Jim Hitler: "Jesus, Dad. Sometimes I think you care about this genocide more than me and my singing!" (song break)

Idea # 3

Title: Air Bud: Track and Heeled

Plot: Still reeling from German athletes' losses to Jesse Owens in track and field events from the 1936 Olympic games, Hitler decides to hold a track and field competition between local SS soldiers and Jews to reinforce Aryan dominance. Why would anyone agree to participate? Jews who defeat their Aryan counterparts will earn themselves (and their families) freedom from the death camps.

When Anne Frank (Mischa Barton) hears of the news, she and her family decide to send their pet golden retriever, Air Bud, to the competition. Will Air Bud defeat the SS leader (Sam Worthington) and become an honorary Aryan? Will Anne and Air Bud act on the mutual attraction described in her diary? Sprint to the movie theater today and find out!

Sample Dialogue:

Hitler: "Alright, I'll admit it: that mongrel can run fast."

Goebbels: "Air Bud?"

Hitler: "No. Jesse Owens!"

(Hitler, Goebbels, Air Bud, and the Frank Family all laugh)

*I'm joking. Disney made a movie that made my top ten list of movies that can justifiably be cited in a suicide/mass homicide note; it featured flatulent guinea pigs (G-Force). And none of them was played by Roseanne.

Anne Frank's Facebook Page

2009-08-21T00:05:00.012-04:00

Last month marked the 60th anniversary of the publication of Anne Frank's diary**.

The strength of her diary is not in its historical timeline of events, but in the passion and eloquence of its prose and the feelings illuminated by it. I've often wondered what a 21st century version of Anne Frank's diary would look like if a similar situation were to unfold today in the United States. Would a teenager today have the tools and attention span to produce something as iconic?

Luckily, Free Pants found out.

** If you don't know about the Diary of Anne Frank, please stuff yourself into a barrel and roll into the ocean.

Ways to Prove Him Right

2009-08-19T13:56:00.007-04:00

There is a limit to the number of articles one can read about Obama's "death panels," Michael Vick/Jackson, and our imminent demise at the hands of self-aware robots. That's why CNN.com has picked up articles from the women's Ezine thefrisky.com. The site (which seems to promote the advancement of women by featuring articles in which the female authors choose to be subjugated) serves CNN's purpose: after reading one diatribe about men, the reader will return to CNN's non-stop coverage of Hurricane Bill with renewed vigor.

Here's an example of the writing currently being churned out by thefrisky.com. It's an article entitled "10 Legal Ways to Punish A Cheater." One might think the best way to exact revenge on a cheating spouse would be to live well. Incorrect, according to Jessica Wakeman, the author of this article. She proffers the following advice:

1. "Gain that extra 10 lbs that fills you out nicely, like Joan Holloway on "Mad Men"...

Free Pants' Take: Good call, Jess. Nothing says, "Eat your heart out!" like obesity. I can't tell you how many late night drinking sessions have been fueled by buddies who've seen their exes put on weight. "I had to have her when she was thin and hot. Now she looks like she could eat all of the ribs they place on the Flintstones car in the opening credits. Life ain't fair!"

2. "Call up your hottest platonic male friend, grab your digital camera and go do something adorable together. Now it's time to create a Facebook photo album full of pics of you looking smiley."

Free Pants' Take: While you're at it, why not try getting gang-raped? That'll show 'em. Make sure to take lots of photos! This is just sad. Your ex-boyfriend isn't looking at your photos on facebook. He's sleeping with other girls.

3. "...go meet a new guy. Fall in love. Have tons of great sex. Laugh a lot. Talk about baby names and where you want your honeymoon to be. The next time you run into your ex, mention all the great things that have happened in your life since you broke up."

Free Pants' Take: Dear reader, I am shaking my head in dismay imagining the sadness that must have been felt by her editors upon reading this entry. I imagine the editor violently pressing buttons that trigger butterfly nets to be released from the ceiling.

Perhaps they should rename the article, "10 Legal Ways to Punish a Cheater When You're Off Your Meds."

Here's the full article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/08/19/tf.cheater.punish.10.ways/index.html?iref=werecommend

Alright. Back to our robot-driven demise, CNN.

Movie Epilogues

2009-08-17T16:11:00.000-04:00

Everyone loves a happy ending. Turns out, though, that life doesn't have happy endings. You just die and get thrown in the ground.

So, in the spirit of making Hollywood's creative efforts more like real life, Free Pants has figured out how many of your favorite "happy ending" movies really play out.

# 1. Field of Dreams

Movie Ending:
Ray Kinsella’s (Costner) financial and emotional burdens are resolved when his father and friends (dead Chicago White Sox!) play baseball games for a seemingly endless supply of spectators willing to pay big bucks.

Real-Life Ending:
The Chicago Cubs ask to play on the field and suck so badly everyone goes home. Ray's dead father tells him he is a huge failure. Ray sells the farm to Home Depot. The “voice” now announces spring sales on lawnmowers.

# 2. Say Anything

Movie Ending:
"Romantic" loser Lloyd Dobler (Cusack) tags along with attractive go-getter Diane Court (Skye) on her trip to Europe while the guy from Frasier claiming to be her father rots in jail. Wait. That’s a happy ending?

Real-Life Ending:
She breaks up with him two weeks later when she realizes his “romantic” attitude can’t pay for new brake pads. She starts dating an insurance salesman. Mimicking famous scene in which he declares his love while holding a giant boom box, Lloyd gets a job at Nathan’s wearing a sandwich board on the street. Sign reads: “2 for 1 Wieners!”

# 3. Tootsie

Movie Ending:
Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange) sleeps with her love interest (Hoffman) who, for the duration of the movie, pretends to be her mentor… and a woman.

Real-Life Ending:
Julie and Michael make it for a while until they see the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Seeing the parallels in Robin Williams' and Michael's insane behavior, she breaks up with him on the spot. Two weeks later, he dies when he walks into a Taco Bell at the exact moment the refried bean machine explodes.

# 4. Sleepless in Seattle

Movie Ending:
After relentlessly stalking widower Sam Baldwin (Hanks), Annie (Ryan) finally snags the man of her dreams atop the Empire State Building. Why did she decide to risk losing her boring fiance (with ALLERGIES!)? While listening to Sam on the radio, they said the word "magic" at the same time. Most people just say "jinx." Annie sends a swat team to hunt down her prey.

Real-Life Ending:
Two weeks later, Sam and Annie realize they have nothing in common. After a huge blowout over abortion rights, Annie says the "magic" is gone and goes back to her fiance. Sam starts drinking. Several years later they reunite atop the Sears tower and jump off together.

# 5. Finding Nemo

Movie Ending:
When Nemo (Gould) goes missing, it's up to his nebbish father (Brooks) and the friends he meets along the way to find him. Guess what? He's dead. Just kidding. They find him and learn lessons along the way.

Real-Life Ending:
Kirstie Alley finds, cooks, and eats the fish. Then heads out to Baskin Robbins.

# 6. Freaky Friday (remake)

Movie Ending:
After a harrowing (and hilarious) misadventure involving body/soul swapping between mother and daughter, Tess and Anna Coleman (Jamie Lees Curtis, Lindsay Lohan), the girls are put back into their own bodies and discover what it really means to walk a mile in the other's shoes.

Real-Life Ending:
Tess' husband gets drunk at a party and sleeps with her, not knowing she's really the daughter. After they switch back, they call the cops and arrest the father for statutory rape of his own daughter. Plus a cameo by Paul Reiser!

Imagine People Admitted That John Lennon Sucks

2009-08-11T22:13:00.000-04:00

Lunch is usually a time I reserve for great introspection or pantsing med students, depending on the day/number of med students in close proximity. Yesterday I read an article in Time magazine in which the democratic senator from Minnesota lamented the failure of the world to follow John Lennon's message of peace. He said the following:

"We have failed as a world to adhere to Lennon's brave message of peace. He was the one to say, 'Give peace a chance,' and here we are decades later still ignoring that message."

Brave message? The guy said "Give peace a chance." That's brave? I say that all the time to drifters before setting them on fire and no one calls me brave.

What a drama queen. Jesus. Last time I checked, Lennon had millions of dollars, adulation from millions of fans and world leaders, and a nice apartment in New York City where he could record lame music. It's not exactly going out on a limb -- he has nothing to lose. If someone who loses his entire family to violence suggests peace, that is extraordinary. When this guy says it, it's like getting dating tips from my nephew (which is pretty uneven).

Perhaps if someone tortured and killed Yoko and his son, the guy might not be such a pacifist. Actually, he'd probably stop recording crappy music and start bulking up to plot his revenge like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive (or Working Girl, to a lesser extent).

Also, am I the only one who remembers that he put out something like seven studio albums consisting of pure crap? For every Beautiful Boy, there's 50 Cold Turkeys.

So please, America, let's recognize that John Lennon sucked and did as much to advance the "peace" movement as my clock radio.

OLDBay

2009-08-05T20:28:00.013-04:00

Old people don't act like they do in the movies. Whenever I ask them to rap or say something hilariously off-color, they will invariably respond the same way: "Please give me my medication; I'm having palpitations." It's still funny, but not quite Wedding Crashers funny.

Turns out, old people have been doing more than playing "got your nose" with what they think is your son (but is really the toilet bowl handle); they're also burdening their children by not dying.

According to an article on CNN.com, nearly 44 million Americans have been tasked with providing full-time care for their elderly parents. Fear not: the government has set up a website entitled "Ask Medicare" which dispenses useful information to caregivers about Medicare and how to circumvent the red tape perpetrated by.... itself. The site is lauded by nearly everyone which is baffling. It's akin to thanking the makers of Monopoly for providing instructions.

I've navigated the site and although it manages to distill ten of thousands of pages of literature into a few dozen pages, my favorite is the FAQ section. It provides answers to common questions like "How can I qualify for Medicare?" or "Can we use social security checks to put towards their health care?"

Curiously absent from the FAQ section was: "How can I murder them and make it look like an accident/suicide?"

Luckily for Free Pants readers, the government has agreed to let me see a new feature of their website still in development: OLDBay. It allows caregivers to put their relatives up for sale.

The head of the site explained it like this:

"It's like eBay for old people. You put up stuff you don't want on eBay. This site will be where you put up people you don't want."

Take a look at these sample pages. Let the bidding begin.

# 1 - Grandpa (Click to Enlarge)

# 2 - Sandra Day O'Connor (Click to Enlarge)

Here is the original article from CNN.com: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/08/03/ask.medicare.website/index.html

Supersize Love

2009-08-04T22:25:00.012-04:00

Good news for the American journalists released from a North Korean prison: they can watch encore presentations of More to Love, the Bachelor-like reality dating show featuring fat people.

If you're unfamiliar, the executive producer of The Bachelor created a show in which "regular people" search for true love by hanging out with strangers for 13 weeks. Here's the twist: the "regular people" are morbidly obese. The underlying premise is that fat people need love from humans, not just sandwiches.

In watching the show, I've happened upon a universal truth: when thin people sweat, it's sexy because you're imagining them in sexual situations; when fat people sweat, it's nauseating because you're imagining them in sexual situations (and eating egg rolls from steam trays).

The contestants range in age and matching BMIs from 29-45 and often underline the "Regular Joe" sentiment with comments like these:

1. "I'm not a calorie counter." - Jessica

Great. Whether you count them or not is immaterial -- you still eat all of them. It's a fat person's version of "a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

2. "I'm happy with myself." - Sandy

This was said by a woman who admitted to never having been kissed shortly before she tripped and fell into a rose bush. You're not happy. If you were, you wouldn't weigh the same as a planet. And if you are truly happy with yourself, I guess the question is... why?

3. "Everyone deserves lunch." - Rebecca

People have told me she actually said "love," but I know what I heard.

Intrigued? Me either. Let's be honest: no one wants to watch fat people fall in love; they want to watch fat people get hit in the groin with footballs or parking meters. It's the way God wants it.

To save you some time, I've included plot synopses for upcoming episodes from TV Guide.

1. Episode # 6: Hot tub! Jon and the girls each take turns sitting in the hot tub (it can fit only one of them at a time). Later in the fantasy suite, Jon blindfolds Emma and... eats her dinner.

2. Episode # 8: Sparks fly when Jon and Denise realize they both have older sisters and diabetes. Special guest appearance by Ernest Borgnine who dispenses complimentary Viagra for obesity-related ED.

3. Episode # 13: Jon's love for his future bride is put to the ultimate test when an old flame (McDonald's McRib sandwich) returns vying for his affection.

Back to work, Tubby.

New Movie Reviews - 7/24/09

2009-07-26T22:18:00.013-04:00

Food Inc. - 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): An unflattering look inside America's corporate controlled food industry

Free Pants' Take: It's like a sexy Upton Sinclair novel. Here's the premise: animals are delicious; however, they would be more delectable if they were raised and slaughtered using the more nostalgic, "old timey" methods utilized by farmers in the 1950s. Hard to argue with that one.

Unfortunately, the movie makes a crucial misstep when it vilifies McDonald's for spending untold millions of dollars and hours genetically engineering its food to be delicious and addictive. May I be the first person to say, "Thank you, McDonalds." My girlfriend spends about ten minutes cooking eggs with shell pieces in it while you've dedicated your life to making sure I'm satisfied. Thank you, Good sir.

Unexpected Scene: hilarious outtakes (replete with laugh track) of illegal immigrant workers falling into the "killing floor."

The Ugly Truth - 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A romantically challenged morning show producer (Heigl) is reluctantly embroiled in a series of outrageous tests by her chauvinistic correspondent (Butler) to prove his theories on relationships and help her find love. His clever ploys, however, lead to an unexpected result.

Free Pants' Take: I love and respect women -- I help them cross the street after robbing them, I don't laugh when they run for President, and I almost always stop hugging them within minutes of their asking me to leave their bathroom stall -- but if any woman sees the characters and situations presented in this movie as anything other than science fiction, they should immediately be catapulted into space (along with Ashton Kutcher and the characters from those Fiber One commercials who doubt the fiber content of the cereal).

After failing to laugh at a single scene, I thought that perhaps it read better on paper. So, I wrote down the hilarious gags about fellating hotdogs and presented it to my nephew for careful inspection. Dear reader, there was profound sadness on his face that I'm pretty sure had nothing to do with my foot resting on his rib cage.

Unexpected Scene: Katherine Heigl pushes illegal immigrants into the "killing floor."

G-Force - -900,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com): A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.

Free Pants' Take: Memory is a tricky thing. I can't remember when I felt up my first mannequin at Macys -- my mom will remember -- or what I was wearing when I pushed women and children out of the way so I could purchase my tickets for Little Man, but I do remember the moment when I realized that either God did not exist, He existed and didn't care about humanity or that He existed until he saw the trailer for G-Force and set his spaceship on a collision course for the sun.

Have you ever dropped a safe on your head and wondered to yourself, "Hey, what if my guinea pig told fart jokes for two hours?" This movie is an answer to all of your (and our) secret desires. Frankly I can't wait for the next installment. I'd love to see a movie where talking tampons save the world.

Unexpected Scene: Before the guinea pigs are allowed to save the word, immigrants from Tyson throw them on the killing floor. As they are ground up into synthetic meat for Burger King, sound track plays Who Let the Dogs Out.

Hyperbole Buster -- Song Edition

2009-07-25T14:29:00.000-04:00

Everyone, whether it's a politician or the coworker I'm hugging in the men's room, uses hyperbole; it's the latest craze, like twittering or vaccinating children. However, Free Pants cannot abide this lazy form of expression.

In an effort to stymie its use, I've contacted experts in various fields to refute the hyperbole used so frequently in popular rock songs. Once you realize the error of your ways, you will thank the Pants for giving you the best gift ever created.

# 1. Excerpt from You Saved the Best For Last by Vanessa Williams

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June,

Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon;

Just when I though our chance had passed

You go and save the best for last."

Rebuttal from:

NASA Astronomer Stan Odenfeld:

"The Moon orbits the Earth and the Earth revolves around the sun. The closest point at which this could occur would be during a lunar eclipse which is an anomaly of sorts. Still, the notion of the sun "going 'round" the moon is preposterous. I played this lyric for my son with down syndrome and he laughed and said even he thought Vanessa Williams was retarded."

# 2. Excerpt from We Built This City (on Rock and Roll) by Starship

"We built this city on rock and roll."

Rebuttal from:

Chief Engineer and City Planner Bob Strenfield

"Typically, cities comprise 10,000 inhabitants. When building a city, one needs the following: 19 tons of wet cement, 4.5 tons of steels, three to four separate construction crews comprising 20- 30 highly skilled workers, a clear plan for sanitation, plumbing, electrical, cable, and water pipes/cables. You also need approval from the state and local governments. A city built solely on Rock and Roll would not be able to adequately provide for its inhabitants. A statement like that is not only erroneous, but dangerous.

# 3. Excerpt from What's Love (Got to Do With It)? By Tina Turner

"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Rebuttal from:

Dr. Stephen Weisfeldt, Chief Cardiologist, Mayo Clinic

"You need a heart to live."

A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Redacted Words

2009-07-13T12:47:00.000-04:00

Excerpt from Abu Ghraib Now A Humane Prison, Iraqi Officials Say, published 2/22/09 on CNN.com (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/02/22/iraq.abughraib/index.html):

"Abu Ghraib has reopened under Iraqi government control. And the Ministry of Justice has launched a public-relations campaign to show it has changed since the days when prisoners were tortured there. It is now called Baghdad Central Prison, and has water fountains, a freshly planted garden and a gym -- complete with weights and sports teams’ jerseys on the walls.

According to Murtada Sharif, a Ministry of Justice official, 'We want to change its image, to make it a place of justice.'"

TRIP ADVISOR

Baghdad Central Prison (Formerly Abu Ghraib)

Map It! Amenities Virtual Tour

Property Type: Prison

Visitor Reviews:
1-7 of 20,000

“LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE!”

Ahmed R.
“Stayed here in 2003 and now I'm back again after being denied a lawyer :( Much better atmosphere, imho. Piped in muzac to drown out the screams of fellow prisoners is a nice touch! Staff much friendlier -- actually smile!! while jabbing you in the ribs with rifles/other prisoners! Would recommend to friends/relatives had they not already been killed in 2003.”

10,576 prisoners found this review helpful.

“PRETTY GOOD!!”

Anon
“I'd love the new water fountains if I weren't so terrified of water (after being waterboarded for four years).”

120 prisoners found this review helpful.

“EXCELLENT!”

Mrs. Al-Sheik
“I love the BCP! A while back my husband, Ameen Saeed Al-Sheik, was quoted in the American media and Pentagon reports saying that American soldiers stripped him naked and raped him. Yikes! After they posed him in "shameful" positions, he claims the following exchange took place:

"'Are you married?' I said, 'Yes.' They said, 'If your wife saw you like this, she will be disappointed.'"

Well, after seeing the state-of-the-art weight room AND garden, I'm telling everyone I will NOT be disappointed. BCP rules! (My husband's kind of a drama queen. LOL!)”

978 prisoners found this review helpful.

“UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!!”

B. T.
“Have to admit, I was nervous after I was taken from my home in the middle of the night and sent to the BCP -- I'd heard all of the stories about Abu Ghraib just as you have. But let me tell you something: the rooms are spacious (especially when 7 or 10 roommates are removed for daily beatings). Plus, they let you wear your favorite jersey while performing degrading and sacrilegious acts! Nope, America, that’s not Donovan McNabb performing [redacted], it’s me, B. T!”

5,940 prisoners found this review helpful.

“Great Stay”

bigboi
“I was a translator for the FBI and then was labeled a terrorist without the burden of a long, boring trial so they (naturally) didn't have my room ready. But I was amazed at how quickly they accommodated me. Full amenities include:

working fire extinguishers (they're not just filled with those gag “peanut brittle” snakes anymore!)
on-site dark room for staff to develop and post photos within 24 hours
phone that rings the front office for in-room torture
Engraved ball-point pen for signing confessions under duress
automatic extended, "super-late" check-out w/ suspension of habeas corpus
noose for convenient self-hanging
Working sink to "wash the American blood off our hands," with placard above containing the full quote from James Inhofe (Senate Armed Services Committee)
access to FOX NEWS which helps us to realize the necessity for our being here.”

1,907 prisoners found this review helpful.

“Perfect for reconnecting!”

Ms. S
“My husband and I were traveling to Saudi Arabia when we were pulled from the plane and sent to the BCP. Def recommend the romance package -- continental breakfast every month (served on the floor -- no messy cleanup!!) and staff poses us in "sexy" positions while taking photographs. Has lowered our inhibitions!“

786 prisoners found this review helpful.

“Disgrace!”

Donald R.
“There was a time when you could ask staff members to pull the guests around by their private parts and they'd not only do it, but they'd laugh with you and take photos. Now, you can still do it, but the joy is gone.”

0 prisoners found this review helpful.

It's Not the Diagnosis, It's the Way You Said It

2009-06-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

I love CNN.com. It's a welcome distraction from the daily trampling perpetrated by our Quality Assurance team whenever they detect food in the conference room or some one's briefcase.

Today, I read an article that was both edifying and amazing. It was entitled: "There's No Good Way to Tell your Kids They Have Cancer," and it featured medical "experts" who waxed poetic on the value of being forthright with your kids about their imminent demise.

According to Dr. Lawrence Wolfe, a pediatric hematologist-oncologist at Long Island Medical Center, "There's no good way to tell your children they're sick, but truth-telling usually pays off in the end."

I guess, but lying until they succumb to the disease sounds a lot easier and less stressful to me.

The article goes on to cite evidence from the National Cancer Institute which provides ways to deliver the blow to children of all ages. Adolescents, for example, "need things explained to them in ways they can relate to." So, I guess, you could say cancer is like a bad game of guitar hero or sleeping with someone in the marching band followed by a painful death.

Regardless, Free Pants disagrees with the central premise of the article; I can think of a million great ways to tell your kids they have a limited amount of time on this earth. To avoid a Pants backlash, I contacted some of the world's leading oncologists for tips on how to easily break the news. Enjoy responsibly.

Easy Ways to Tell Your Kids They Have Cancer:

1. Dr. Steven Franks

"Hire a clown to come to the house. After making a balloon IV drip, let the clown deliver the news. If the child cries, have the clown offer up his 'never-ending' hanky. The kid will laugh so hard, he'll forget about his imminent demise."

2. Dr. Samantha Jencks

"Children need to take an active role in their cure. Before you break the news, buy the child a piggy bank and tell him to save money in order to cure cancer. One month later, break open the bank and shake your head in disgust saying, 'We can't cure your cancer with six dollars. You have no one to blame but yourself.' Then, take the six dollars and pick-up a Pizza Hut Pizzone. Hey, a parent's got to eat, too."

3. Dr. Milton Bozymski

"Buy a prepaid cell phone. Then secretly add a new contact to your child's phone using the prepaid cell phone number and label it 'God.' The next day send the following text message: 'U R Dying. LOL (optional).' When they show you the message, tell them that God works in mysterious ways. Then, take their phone away; your plan doesn't include unlimited texting."

4. Dr. Eve Stinson

"Sometimes, bad messages are better received when they are from trusted sources. There is a service that sends birthday messages from Batman/Spiderman/Barney, etc. Have them call the child and leave the following message:

"(Spiderman): Hello (insert name)! My spidey senses are tingling. They tell me your white blood cell count is dangerously low!"

5. Dr. Alex Byrd

"Let your child figure it out on his own without spelling it out for him. It will make him feel smart. For example, tell him that you both should write a will. When he asks questions, simply tell him that wills are what dying people draw up as a way to make sure their possessions are passed along to loved ones. After he finishes his, throw yours away and tell him that only he needs one -- it's for dying people, after all. To console him, let him know that he doesn't really own anything anyway. Then, tear up the paper and start selling his toys on Ebay."

6. Dr. Francis Verhooven

"It's important for a child to maintain a sense of pride. Show him the recent reports which suggest that cancer will overtake heart disease as the leading cause of death and tell him, "You are helping to make this a reality."

7. Dr. Garrett Maxwell

"Apathy is a great way to curb the fear and restlessness associated with a death sentence. For example, let him have all the candy he wants. When he asks, "What's the special occasion?" Tell him, "Why not? Couldn't be worse for you than the tumors."

Here's the full article:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/18/ep.children.bad.diagnosis/index.html

Put Your Resume in Your Mouth

2009-06-20T20:02:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I was born just in time. Had I been born earlier, I might not have had the opportunity to experience the glut of amazing news stories published on the web. For example, I might have missed out on the sage advice proffered by the people at careerbuilder.com. The article, which was picked up by CNN.com, advises job seekers on what not to say during interviews. Here are some examples from the article:

"'I hated my last boss,' 'How long until I get a promotion?' 'I want to take these days off.'"

Reading the article inspired sadness and introspection: how many failed interviews did the author experience before arriving at these conclusions? I was so curious, I emailed CNN.com and asked for the first draft of the article which contained many more pieces of advice.

if I share them with you, you should probably get a job, slacker.

Other things not to say/do in an interview:

1. Play air guitar
2. Attempt to arm wrestle the interviewer after he asks, "What are your strengths?"
3. Quote (with voices) The Simpsons, Family Guy, Vagina Monologues
4. Just like in Austin Powers or any sitcom from the 1980's, claim the female receptionist is really a man. Then, try to remove her "fake" hair. Look perplexed when it can't be removed. Later in the interview, cite that as an example of one of your weaknesses.
5. Do push ups when asked why you would be an asset to the team
6. "When can I co-sign a loan with you?"
7. Hand the interviewer your cell phone and ask him to take a photo of you "at work"
8. Ask, "What time is it?" after he presses you for questions.
9. Re-enact the Sharon Stone leg-crossing scene from Basic Instinct.
10. Sing your answers Broadway-style.
11. Blow air kisses as you leave. Make a sad face when he/she doesn't "catch" them.

"Heartfelt" Father's Day Gifts

2009-06-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

There was a time when fathers were beloved. I wasn't around during this time, but I've been told about it by the elderly men I dead leg at Supermarkets.

Apparently, fathers were seen as beacons of wisdom; lighthouses that provided guidance to spouses and children who had lost their way. This is strange as current sitcoms and commercials portray fathers as functionally retarded. They're always tubby, bald and twisted up in Christmas lights (even though the commercial is for Oat Bran). Then, the wife/child/animated dog will arrive with wisdom for everyone.

I take umbrage with this trend. Perhaps Dad can't focus on doing the family taxes because he was busy paying the mortgage. And maybe Dad can't get to the gym because he's stress eats thinking about your non-stop bed wetting.

Regardless, it's Father's Day and the monsters at Oprah.com have provided a list of "great" gifts for dad. Dear Reader, these gifts would inspire incredulity, if not non-stop suicides. Pointing out the flaws in these gift ideas is my gift to dads (and homicide detectives) everywhere. Except for mine -- he's getting a subscription to Playboy.

From Oprah.com:

# 11 Dad Club

"Sign him up for a book club for a year. He will get a new book every month. He can pass the book to you after he is done, and you can meet for lunch to talk about the book (and everything else)."

Free Pants' Take: If there's something worse than reading or talking with your kid, it's talking with your kid about reading (and why you blew their college fund at the track).

Free Pants' Suggestion: Leave the family and live at the local library. Each month, meet with Dad to discuss books (and how you wrestled sandwiches away from hobos -- if there's time). He'll be sure to thank you for lessening his burdens.

# 8 IM your Dad

"Use your computer or Palm Pilot to send dad instant messages over the Internet. Just nice things like "You're the greatest," "I love you" and "Thank you for all you do." These little gems may take an instant, but their meaning will last a long time in his heart."

Free Pants' Take: First of all, your dad's inbox is already clogged with messages from creditors and perhaps his mistress. Secondly, your dad is at work (or strip clubs or Canada) in an effort to get away from you. Why remind him of the little guy who eats his food and can't throw a baseball? Leave him alone. Thirdly, how about getting off your fat ass and doing something? Jesus, Tubby.

Free Pants' Suggestion: If you choose to send him a text, make sure it's one that he'll love like: "Dad! I don't want an allowance!" or "Dad! I've decided to move out and live in the ocean!"

# 5 Little Bits of Love

"Spend a day on the golf course with your dad if he likes to golf. Paint or glue little slips of paper with the words "I Love You," "You're the Greatest" or "Best Dad" on a set of golf balls as a gift (or tennis balls if that's his game).If he's not into sports, you can still surprise him by leaving these "little pieces of love" all over the place—in the car, the dresser drawer, on his toothbrush, in his briefcase, in his shoe and so on. He will have such a laugh discovering them throughout the day."

Free Pants' Take: Good Lord. This suggestion also applies to the related Oprah.com article How to Ensure His Buddies Will Call Him Gay. I'm pretty sure these will convince him that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level which is only cool if you're Josef Fritzl.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Tattoo "I love you!" on your groin and let Dad practice his kick-boxing/crowbar-swinging on you.

# 2 The Gift of Time
"Spend time with your father. Type up an itinerary of the day's events for him to follow and tie a big bow on it!"

Free Pants' Take: Look: dad spends a lot of his free time watching you fail at sports or dance around like a moron at dance recitals. The last thing he wants to do is spend time with you. You have nothing to offer! This isn't a Disney movie where you enrich his life; you have slowly sucked out his soul with your Baby Einstein-watching, Jonas brothers-Listening, and Vaccine-Wasting ways.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Pin a note to your shirt that reads, "I love you." Then, hop into an abandoned fridge. Close door.

Note: Spell Check did not recognize Josef Fritzl. Spell-check is one luck SOB.

Full article: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/family/pkgfathersday/slideshow1_ss_giftsfather_sandra/13

Ed McMahon -- Best Couch Potato Ever

2009-06-15T11:17:00.000-04:00

According to the "CIA fact book," about 7,000 people die each day in the United States. Too bad no one will remember these guys since they happened to die on the same day as Ed McMahon.

For those of you not familiar, Ed McMahon wasn't a particularly funny or talented man, but he did know how to introduce you to one. Each night on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, McMahon would sit (in so many different ways!) next to Johnny and cackle at Carson's jokes just like my Uncle Frank after he'd drink a box of wine and toss rats into babies' diapers.

Not long ago -- if you can remember a time before Jon & Kate plus 8 -- McMahon was derided by the media and Hollywood for squandering his fortune and letting his mansion belly flop into foreclosure. But now that the guy is dead, he's suddenly the most beloved sack of crap.

He's been given the dubious honor of being called the "human laugh track." This is a man who served honorably as a fighter pilot in World War II and Korea. This is how he's remembered?

I heard someone say that he's sure Ed McMahon is sitting next to God and laughing at everything He says. First of all, I'm not sure Ed McMahon should be laughing when God tells people to murder abortion doctors or floods entire cities. Second, I'm pretty sure after five seconds in Heaven, God will turn to Ed and say, "Please shut the f--- up."

Hey-O!

Night at the Holocaust Museum

2009-06-11T14:38:00.014-04:00

Unless you've barricaded yourself in an Applebees men's room until the studio executives who cancelled Samantha Who? reverse their decision, you've probably heard about the shooting that took place at the Holocaust Museum yesterday. Apparently, Stephen Tyrone Johns, a security guard at the museum, opened the door for what he thought was an elderly patron. That patron, an 88-year-old Neo-Nazi (or original "classic" Nazi, actually), summarily shot and killed the security guard.

Words that spring to mind include the following: "sad," "senseless," "alternate ending to Disney- Pixar's Up."

But hero?

According to an article on CNN.com, D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty and other top officials are labeling Johns a "hero."

"A six-year veteran of the museum's security staff, Johns "died heroically in the line of duty," said Sara Bloomfield, director of the museum."

I have someone who can refute that statement: a dictionary.

According to Webster's, a hero is:

1. "A person who has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal:

ex. He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child."

also:

2. "A sandwich."

I'm going to assume D.C. officials are referring to Webster's second definition as Johns performed in a manner more consistent with a sandwich.

The guard opened the door and was shot by an old guy. How is that heroic? He didn't choose to take a bullet to save people; he just happened to be there -- he was a victim. By that logic, I've made heroes out of all the 10-year-olds I punch in the crotch at supermarkets.

As it turns out, this tragic event has inspired the governor's office to offer commendations to other "heroes." Here's the Mayor's list:

1. Andrea Stone - 36-year-old Kentucky woman who heeded the call for justice when she tripped over a crack in the stairwell and tumbled three stories below.

2. Huggles - D.C. kitten that heroically darted out into rush-hour traffic despite protestations from onlookers.

3. Mark E. Feinsturg -- Connecticut man who bravely distracted evil lightning by allowing himself to be struck by it.

If there is a lesson in all this it's this: don't help old people.

How to Say No

2009-06-04T12:56:00.008-04:00

Comedians and doctors can (and often) spend hours lecturing people about the differences between men and women. In a recent Internet search, I happened upon what can be classified as not really a difference between men and women, but a similarity between certain types of men and women and fully functioning robotic dogs: they can't say no.

Luckily, Oprah.com has posted an article which provides people with the tools necessary to stand up for themselves. Here's a sample:

How To Say No To…...

"You wouldn't mind ________, would you?"

1 "Actually, I would."

..."You know what I mean?"

2 "Actually, I don't."

...unsolicited advice:

3 "There's an idea!"

...someone you've said yes to in the past:

4 "Yes! (as in, yes to your gut feeling that the right answer is no): "I know I've agreed to ________ in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."

Some other "techniques" for saying no the author forgot to mention include the following:

giving a thumbs down
flatulence
kicking someone in the ribs (not limited to the questioner; it could be a random passerby or baby)
All of the above

For example:

Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials?"

You: "There's an idea!" (Then, kick him in the ribs.)

How people survived before this advice is a testament to their will and character. In an attempt to reach across the aisle (to robotic dogs, not weaklings), I've decided to apply some of the "techniques" to my everyday life.

Situation # 1

"You wouldn't mind removing your foot from my chest, would you?"

"Actually, I would, your Honor."

Situation # 2

"Hey, you should probably not hang from/make a lasso out of those live electrical wires!"

"There's an idea."

Situation # 3

"Where's your condom?"

"I know I've agreed to wear a condom in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."

The article then proffers advice on how to "not take no for an answer" that lead to imagined confrontations that can, according to authorities, be used as a legitimate reason for suicide.

Can someone please forward this article to the studio heads who renew According to Jim?

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200807_omag_no_anytime

Dios Mia

2009-06-03T14:39:00.001-04:00

People are profoundly disturbed. According to television shows and movies, "flawed" characters overcome their fears by succumbing to love or kicking fat guys in the crotch -- it depends on the show. In real life, though, love (or crotch-kicking) doesn't really hold a candle to everyone's baggage. It's pretty depressing. I guess that's why God created Howie Do It.

In the latest Depressing Story About an Old Person, Mia Farrow has staged a hunger strike to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. One could also argue that she is drumming up awareness for Mia Farrow, the actress who hasn't been in a decent movie or newspaper in fifteen years.

I think Farrow is off the mark: people are aware of the problem; it's more likely that they prefer to follow Ashton Kutcher's Twitter battle with CNN than deal with dead women and children. But it's nice of Farrow to think that losing ten pounds over three weeks will scare America straight. As we all know, Americans don't mind genocide, but they will not risk putting Mia Farrow in an uncomfortable position.

It's a nice, if narcissistic thought, Mia. Here's a better way to capture people's attention: make a movie that doesn't suck.*

*Woody Allen movies not included; they were good.

**As of Free Pants press time, Farrow's hunger strike has ended. The genocide continues. Thanks for failing me again, Mia.

Stand-Up: Why Women will destory the world

2009-05-31T19:07:00.001-04:00

Like Father, Like Son

2009-05-27T08:58:00.003-04:00

In "touching father, son news," last week Tony Gwynn called his son to inform him of his trade to the Padres, the club at which Gwynn senior played for nearly twenty years. According to yahoonews.com, there was a moment of tenderness, followed by excitement.

Unreported by yahoonews.com is another phone call placed by Pete Rose to his son, Pete Rose, Jr. at about the same time. Luckily, Free Pants has the transcript of this call:

Pete Rose, Jr: Hello?

Pete Rose: Hi, it's Dad. I have news. The Chattanooga Lookouts are looking for a new janitor.

Pete Rose, Jr: Wow! That's great news! So I would work under you?

Pete Rose: Yes.

On Tacit Disapproval

2009-05-23T13:11:00.003-04:00

Last week, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi took a break from running naked in my nightmares to publicly deny any complicity in torture used by the government against so-called "enemy combatants."

According to Pelosi:

""We were not -- I repeat -- were not told that waterboarding or any of these other enhanced interrogation methods were used. What they did tell us is that they had . . . the Office of Legal Counsel opinions [and] that they could be used, but not that they would," she said.

Congressman and former Bush administration officials have reported that Pelosi received the briefings and was aware of the torture techniques employed by the military. Despite these reports, Pelosi insists that she was "lied to" and feels "duped. In fact, now she is launching a formal investigation.

Free Pants agrees with the Speaker and spent the day holding her hand and supplying her with tissues while she read a laundry list of other ways in which she felt "duped" or "lied to" by people outside of Washington.

Free Pants declassified it for you; here it is:

1. The existence of Santa Claus.

"TV shows, Christmas carols, Macy's and my parents would insist on his existence. I've sent them all summons... even my parents. Death is no excuse not to show up in court."

2. Old Meineke tagline, "You're not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."

"In reality, I paid quite a lot for that muffler. And they painted my car a disgusting color. You are going to pay a lot for lying to Pelosi, Meineke."

3. X-Ray specs in the back of Archie comic books did not provide x-ray vision

"I don't need X-Ray specs to see through your corrupt and soulless business practices. "See" you in court."

4. Saw Get Smart. Despite critic Jeffrey Lyons' claim, it did not seem like "the funniest family movie in years!"

"Space Chimps is the funniest family movie in recent history. Everyone knows that. Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Lyons."

6. The dissolution of Sean Penn's and Robin Wright Penn's marriage.

"They seemed so happy; I cried for days. How could they keep their problems from me?"

7. Drank Red Bull. Did not grow wings.

"You can't fly away from my subpoenas, Red Bull."

A Robot By Any Other Name Would Still Eviscerate You

2009-05-21T15:08:00.010-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090521/sc_livescience/realsoldierslovetheirrobotbrethren

Yesterday, I reported on the CNN.com article in which the author announced -- with a nonchalance that left me (and humanity, one hopes) staring at the screen with incredulity -- that WWI vets frequently kissed each other in the trenches. Today, I found another article destined to hang in our future Robot Master's office (adjacent to human heads) shortly after humanity's demise.

Apparently, soldiers are falling in love with their robot brethren.

"One of the psychologically interesting things is that these systems aren't designed to promote intimacy, and yet we're seeing these bonds being built with them," said Peter Singer, a leading defense analyst at the Brookings Institution."

"One EOD soldier brought in a robot for repairs with tears in his eyes and asked the repair shop if it could put "Scooby-Doo" back together. Despite being assured that he would get a new robot, the soldier remained inconsolable. He only wanted Scooby-Doo."

This is disconcerting to me and thousands of dateless women who wonder why men can feel more affection for the short circuit robot than them. I can see the articles in O magazine now:
"How to Tell If He's Having An Emotional Affair With His Robot!"

Why is this allowed to happen? Have scientists not seen the Terminator movies?

"The United States military sees robots as tireless warriors capable of striking fear into enemies, and is not shy about finding inspiration from Terminator. One scientist said he was trying to build the Hunter-Killer drone from 'Terminator,'" Singer told LiveScience."

Apparently, a better question is this one: have scientists seen the end of the Terminator movies?

Let me allay your fears. Scientists and the robots' army spouses have a reward system in place to keep the robots satisfied with their roles. The system? Promotions!

"...several teams have given their robots promotions, Purple Heart awards for being wounded in combat, and even a military funeral."

I can only imagine the profound sadness felt by someone passed up for a promotion for a Roomba. And I believe that awarding a Purple Heart, the highest honor the military can bestow upon an individual for bravery, to a giant tank undermines the value of the award. Why stop there? Give it to dogs, recycle bins, and Gallagher's audience members.

And finally: what does one say at a robot funeral?

"I remember when my robot killed everyone in the classroom -- their white flags couldn''t save them from disembowelment. Then, we kissed."

Still more:

"When Singer asked one U.S. Air Force officer about how he envisioned the psychological impact of the drones on the enemy, the officer compared the Taliban and Al Qaeda militants to the human resistance fighters in the "Terminator" movies - hiding in their bunkers and caves from the technological onslaught."

So, in the government's mind we're the terminators? After a stream of questions from reporters, the officer clarified his position by saying that just like in Schindler's List, we were the Nazis and the Taliban were the weak, malnourished Holocaust detainees, and that America would be like the rapist bikers in the Accused; the taliban would be like Jodie Foster.

On the bright side, though, robots are all about reducing their carbon footprint.

"Singer attended one presentation on the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) - a long-range robot that refuels itself on "grass, broken wood, furniture, dead bodies," according to a list reeled off by one scientist."

Finally, Bea Arthur can be of use.

Terrifying War Facts

2009-05-20T16:02:00.006-04:00

In my endless quest for online fodder, I happened upon one of the most alarming war facts of all time. According to an article published on CNN.com about important historical kisses (yes, the link is at the bottom), World War I soldiers made out with each other like horny teens in a drive-in.

"In 1927, two soldiers kissed tenderly in the silent movie "Wings", which won Best Picture at the first Academy Awards. When the film was released, no one raised an eyebrow about the scene, partially because kissing(!!!*) in the trenches was remarkably common during World War I.

According to British Academy Postdoctoral Fellow Dr. Santanu Das, letters and accounts of the war are peppered with stories of soldiers kissing, embracing, and giving each other pet names like 'my Palestine Wife.'"

I'm not much of an exclamation point man, but soldiers making out in the trenches deserves them after every word.

Good Lord. No wonder WWI vets were tight-lipped about their experiences.

The article lumbers on about other historical kisses (Jesus and Judas, Moses and Larry King) but fails to mention the historical dry humping sessions of Hitler and Chamberlain.

Come on, CNN. You can do better.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/05/20/mf.ten.important.kisses/index.html

*Exclamation points added by God's request

What Guys Really Want

2009-05-13T21:02:00.008-04:00

After intelligence, sense of humor and sex appeal, I think humility is one of my best qualities. Despite this, though, I have decided to venture outside of my comfort zone to correct the missteps of yahoo.com/personals writer and virgin Ron Dodge.

In his article entitled 5 Easy Ways To Make Men Smile, Dodge lists the things that might make a 13 year-old girl happy like "arm-touching."

Luckily for men everywhere, Free Pants has already submitted his tracked version (with comments) to the editors. I've pasted it below. You're welcome.

#1: Touch His ~~Arm~~ (Penis)

There are a lot of ways to subtly let a guy know you're into him, like maintaining eye contact, playing with your hair, and smiling a lot. But the only one that sends shivers down my spine is when a girl touches my ~~arm~~ (penis) during conversation. It always surprises me, and it's always great.

#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday (About Touching His Penis)

OK, this might not be free depending on your cell phone plan, but it's still a great value. Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note from someone special, and unless his job is super-intense he'll have plenty of time to daydream about you. (Guys like text messages about their genitals.)

#3: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment (About His Penis)

Telling a guy he's funny or smart is always appreciated, but the really meaningful compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him. Something like "I love the way your ~~face~~ (penis) scrunches up when you're doing ~~the crossword puzzle~~ (me)."

#4: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote (About His Penis) After Your First Date -- or Write One Now(… Then Touch His Penis)

One of the best things about having a girlfriend is reminiscing about what you thought about ~~each other~~ (his penis) in the beginning of your relationship.

#5: Present Him With A Photo of You And ~~Him~~ (His Penis)

Guys need something to distract them from their annoying co-workers in the office. What better way to keep his mind focused on your relationship than to have a framed photo of you and ~~him~~ (his penis)? It’s something he can look to in difficult times or when he’s in need of reminiscing.

Full article is here: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24293/dating-tips-5-easy-ways-to-make-men-smile

Yeah, I haven't written in over a month and this is my first post back. Deal with it.

Swine Author -- My Hate is Alive and Well

2009-04-27T23:46:00.016-04:00

There must be something universal about our desire to unlock the mysteries of romantic love. How else can one explain the success of Alex Greven, the 10-year old author who found fame and fortune with his best selling book How to Talk to Girls?

If swine flu has erased your memory, Greven pieced together a self-help book that proffered gems such as "Be nice!" and "be careful of pretty girls; they're mean!"

To be fair, that's pretty good advice -- women are fickle and can often drive men to believe that a 10-year old who whacks off in his pants has all the answers.

Still, the media's love for someone whose lack of experience somehow qualifies him as an expert leads to what people sitting next to me at church/bus stops have dubbed, "Nonstop swearing and crotch punching."

Naturally, Greven has set his sights on repairing the often tentative, complicated father/son dynamic with his new book How to Talk to Dads. Here's an example of some of his advice:

Dads like to play video games!
Dads are 80% more likely to say yes than moms!
Dads like respectful and quiet kids!

Thanks, Alex. Groundbreaking stuff. I've gotten better advice from homeless guys and dogs.

I'm a patient man -- I say excuse me when pushing slow walkers out of my way on the street and I never roll my eyes at waiters when they're presenting their "specials," but watching interviews with this kid where he is not met with ridicule or shoved into feces has pushed me over the edge.

Who is this book for? If my son ever gave me this book, I would force him to live in the shed.

I'm not sure this is universal advice, either. I'd love to see Greven use this on Josef Fritzl, the Austrian guy who raped his own kids.

"Dad, can I leave the basement?"
"No! I'm going to rape your sister again!"
"Oh Dad, sounds like you need to play some more Mario Cart!"

It turns out the book works. My dad and I both want to kick the crap out of this kid.

Here Comes the Crap

2009-04-14T22:11:00.008-04:00

In "Oh good" news, George Harrison finally received his Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today. The star was purchased by Capitol Records as a way to honor the former Beatle's unparalleled contribution to movies and television and to promote an upcoming "greatest hits" compilation of his solo career. Rumored tracks include My Sweet Lord and other, alternate versions of My Sweet Lord.

Harrison's wife, son, and new beau Tom Hanks were present at the ceremony. In what can only be described as the most dubious words ever spoken about a spouse, Olivia Harrison said the following:

"We all have such deep feelings for George because he was such a deep-feeling person... he was funny as the day is long and jut as perplexing."

Find out more insightful quotes like the ones above in her new spoken word CD: I'm a Moron!

We can only hope that Somali pirates will try to steal this thing. The Star on the Walk of Fame; not Olivia Harrison's new CD, smartass.

Open letter to World re: Earth Hour

2009-03-28T14:43:00.004-04:00

Dear [redacted]:

You're not listening to me, world. You are acting like R-Words and I cannot abide it. I thought we had a deal. You can imagine my surprise when I found out about your so-called "Earth Hour." For those unaware, this is a time (8:30PM - 9:30 PM) designated by R-words in which people will turn off the power in their homes/buildings/gas chambers in an effort to "raise awareness of climate change" and allow for easier, more organized looting.

According to an article on CNN.com, your madness has already begun. In China, site of the 2008 Olympic games and other things, "illuminations of the 'Bird's Nest' and water cube were extinguished showing China's commitment to finding a solution to global warming."

Thanks, China. Turning off the lights for an hour is a pretty good solution. Here's a better one: Cut down on the air pollution from your 300 million factories that kills your workers and our Olympic athletes.

"Earth Hour events got off to an unofficial start in the remote Chatham Islands in the South Pacific Ocean where locals switched off their diesel generators, organizers said."

Technically speaking the people in New Orleans who have been without electricity since Katrina have been the true pioneers of Earth Hour; their unofficial start began in 2005. Way to show your commitment, guys.

Bottom line: instead of turning off your lights for an hour, why not actually do something like buy a hybrid car or bury Amy Winehouse and use her body for compost? Or if you insist, at least make the hour during the According to Jim/Samantha Who? "comedy" block.

Sincerely,

The Pants

The R-Word is Retarded

2009-03-22T10:00:00.001-04:00

In a country where banks are failing, unemployment is rising, and network executives continue to renew According to Jim, it's comforting to know that the American people can unite in hatred for one singular purpose: to chastise the President for comparing his poor bowling ability to that of a member of the Special Olympics.

The outrage has been unanimous and far-reaching. Although no actual mentally handicapped people have complained -- probably because they cannot operate a television (or if they could, even they don't think Leno is funny) -- the head of the Special Olympics is using the President's "gaffe" as a catalyst for a new program that will try to eliminate "retard" (or R-Word, as they prefer it to be called) from the lexicon.

According to CNN.com: "March 31 is being billed a 'national day of awareness,' a call to Americans to recognize and rethink their use of the R-Word. The push for increased respect is being spearheaded by young people who are collecting pledges or vows from people to not use the word."

Just so we're clear: America's top priorities are as follows:

Stop use of the word "retard"

2 - 8. Fix economy, capture bin laden, stop foreclosures, help people who lost their homes move out of their tents, bring soldiers back from Iraq, stop global warming, prepare for eventual robot takeover, murder the executive who created Verizon's Fios and Cable Guy characters.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but let's be honest: the President said his bowling skills suck. He compared them to those of a retarded person. This seems like a pretty apt comparison to me.

It's not like he said "Asians can't bowl" or "Women can't bowl." He said, "People will severely impaired motor skills can't bowl." Are there thousands of pissed off mentally/physically handicapped people out there bowling 300s? If so, you have a right to be upset. But most likely, you didn't even see the interview because your parents have been laid off and you're living in a tent on the street.

It's called hierarchy of need. And getting rid of the R-word falls in between renewing subscriptions to the New Yorker and putting money in your 401k at this point.

Bottom line: America, please stop acting like a R-Word.

Confession: The Environment Sucks

2009-03-04T23:10:00.004-05:00

I hate the environment. I dislike celebrities who proffer "green" advice like, "Turn off your air conditioner and pop in a Dentyne Ice instead!" The environment is a bully. It never considered your weekend plans when it decided to rain or snow or blow radioactive materials from nuclear plant meltdowns into your city. No. It did whatever the hell it wanted and now it's on its knees begging for help. And you are crawling back; trying to appease it. Please join me in breaking the cycle of abuse.

Step 1: When buying groceries, use "paper in plastic" bags (and not those "Grandma" sacks or your shirt/underwear, as they recommend).
Step 2. Litter. Products can be broken down more easily if they are left on fields, baby carriages or sea creatures.
Step 3: Urinate everywhere. This doesn't affect the environment, but it sends a message.

Sorry, planet. You should have treated us better.

Definitive Proof: You and Your "Tweets" are Retarded

2009-03-03T21:16:00.008-05:00

Drama queen and failed solo artist John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Not any more. Now there's Twitter which effectively replaces those stolen moments of love and introspection with bathroom updates from Dr. Phil.

I watched a five minute presentation from CNN's self-proclaimed "Data Doctor" on what must have been a time period originally dedicated to color bars (or dogs that resemble Bea Arthur) and the guy couldn't give any "real world" situations that would require the service. His one example involved a kid who wanted to communicate to his nine siblings the state of their dying parents.

"Send updates with one simple message!" Because, God, picking up the phone nine times to tell your brothers and sisters that mom and dad are dead can be such a drag :(

Here's another example from the "doctor":

"Say your friends are taking a trip to the wine country. This way you can hear all about it with their updates."

Look. I put in enough effort with my friends -- I don't laugh at their dreams and aspirations (even though they're pretty stupid), and I almost always pretend to look for their pets after I let them out of the house/run them over -- but one thing I cannot do is feign excitement when they talk about their vacations/divorces/deportations. Now, I'll have to pretend every five minutes. Thanks, Twitter.

My biggest gripe is that Twitter makes one friend awesome and the other a total loser. It would be like if you were sitting at home watching TV and your friend called and said, "Hey Steve. I'm riding a humpback whale. It's breathtaking! Well, gotta go. Bye!" You wouldn't be interested; you'd hang up the phone and say, "What a smug son of a bitch!"

Then, you'd send a "tweet" to your family telling them that you committed suicide. The "Data Doctor" would approve -- much more efficient (and environmentally-friendly) than writing a suicide note.

"A Rose by Any Other Name Would Suck," Scientists Say

2009-03-02T14:15:00.010-05:00

Based on movies and TV shows, each person is supposed to be endowed with a special purpose -- something that transcends his day-to-day life and affords him the courage to face that inevitable day when he dies and gets thrown into the ground (or burned and tossed over oceans or salads, depending on his wishes).

After spending most of my time punching cashiers in the stomach after they ask about my day, I've often wondered about my "special" purpose. Turns out, I don't have one. But in the meantime, I can write scathing articles about scientific studies picked up by YAHOOnews.com.

In today's article, it quotes a study put forth by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation in which scientists suggest that children will eat foods based on their names. The study found that children ate twice as many carrots when they were renamed "Super X-Ray Vision Carrots."

"'Cool names can make for cool foods," says lead author Brian Wansink of Cornell University. 'Whether it be 'power peas' or 'dinosaur broccoli trees,' giving a food a fun name makes kids think it will be more fun to eat. And it seems to be working.'"

Perhaps, but if that's true it stands to reason that the opposite is true: if you rename bad foods, kid won't want to eat them either. Free Pants sent a list of suggestions to local school cafeterias. Here's a copy for your records.

1. Tiny Penis Brownies

2. "You're Adopted" Pizza Bagels

3. Super Gay Chicken Fingers

4. "I Heart Wedgies" Potato Wedges

5. Wacky Welfare Doughnuts

6. Whoopi Goldberg's Extreme Chocolate Breast Milk

Personally, I think this study proves what Free Pants has long thought: kids are idiots.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090302/sc_livescience/kidspreferveggieswithcoolnames

Foreclosure Fight

2009-02-24T17:59:00.002-05:00

According to the title of an article on CNN.com, there are three magic words that can delay the foreclosure process. Those words? "Produce the note."

Maybe, but I was hoping it was, "I'll kill you."

New Movie Reviews 2/12/09

2009-02-12T20:34:00.013-05:00

He Just Not That Into You - -9,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A movie of interconnecting story arcs deals with the challenges of reading or misreading human behavior.

Free Pants' Take: Even IMDB can't figure out what this movie is about. When people (or robots) cannot accurately describe the plot of a movie in a few sentences, it's either because the film so deftly captures an emotion that it transcends plot summaries... or it just plain sucks. This movie is the latter.

Every other reviewer has thrown his hands in the air in despair lamenting the need for a book (or movie) in which obvious statements are considered profound. I disagree; we need these things.

I work with many women and they are terrible friends. If a guy is making a fool of himself, his buddies will say, "Steve, you're an idiot. You're embarrassing yourself." This is either followed by a punch in the ribs or dry humping (if Red Sox win the Pennant only). Women, on the other hand, will feed the delusion. "Maybe he's scared! He likes you too much! Maybe he moved to Space!"

The next time someone tells you there would be no war if women ran the world, throw babies at him until he relents. Here's what would happen:

Madam President: Can you believe what Denmark said? We're going to destroy them!

Female Cabinet Members: Totally! What jerks! You're definitely right!

Later that evening, a phone call is placed to Denmark from each female cabinet member.

Denmark: What is Madam President's problem?

Female Cabinet Members: I don't know. She's crazy! Anyway, I totally think she's overreacting. I don't agree with it!

World explodes.

Oh, this movie sucks. It has Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck and "Mac" from the Mac Vs. PC ads.

Unexpected Scene: clip from upcoming porn film of the same name.

Pink Panther 2 - der burger out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Inspector Jacques Clouseau teams up with a squad of international detectives who are just as bumbling as he is. Their mission: stop a globe-trotting thief who specializes in stealing historical artifacts.

Free Pants' Take: I am a reasonable man. I can tolerate those "cable guy vs. verizon fios guy" ads, guys who use the word "slacks" in casual conversation, and old people who tell boring stories from their past (Why should I listen to your Korea stories when MASH covers it so hilariously?), but what I cannot abide are shenanigans based on shaky premises. In one painful scene, John Cleese wrestles with and loses to an ottoman before falling into a mirror. Why is this funny? It can't be simply because Cleese is retarded because when I push retarded people into mirrors, almost no one laughs.

Bottom line: If you're looking to spend $10 more wisely, give it to a homeless guy... in exchange for his promise to kick Steve Martin into a mirror and shout, "Der Burger!"

Unexpected Scene: While going undercover as a sandwich board, the inspector accidentally

steps on a small American boy's ribs. The boy screams out, "My ribs! I can't breathe!" to which the inspector replies, "Der Burger?!"

How to Sleep with Girls

2009-02-08T17:15:00.004-05:00

(above: Alec Greven just revealed his penis size to the ladies)

Every few months, the press gets bored with the same old stories (war, death, unemployment) and makes a concerted effort to highlight the lighter side of life. The most recent recipient of AP good will comes in the form of 9 year old Alex Greven, who wrote a best-selling book called How to Talk to Girls. The press and general public have reacted positively to Greven's simple advice such as "say hi" or "beware of pretty girls," by labeling it "ground-breaking" and "refreshing." How a lack of experience with a topic lends credibility to the advice is baffling -- perhaps he could have been chosen as McCain's running mate instead of Palin -- but I digress.

Free Pants had a chance to sit down with the young man and pick his brain. He seems so in touch with women, I though I'd get some sexual technique pointers from the guru as well.

Free Pants: People seem to respond to your book on how to talk to women. Why is that?

Alec Greven: I don't know. I think there's a lot of confusion between boys and girls.

FP: True. So, how do you bring a woman to orgasm?

AG: Uh, what's an orgasm?

FP: Ugh! It's the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation. So how do you satisfy a woman in bed?

AG: I... I don't know.

FP: How many times, on average, do you perform an [redacted] on a woman?

AG: What is [redacted]?

FP: Ugh! Forget it. In your experience, do women want you to touch their [redacted] with anything in particular, like a [redacted] or a cash register?

AG: (crying) Can I please go home? Or can you at least take your foot off my chest? I can't breathe.

FP: No. Answer the question.

At this point, Greven's parents barge in and shut down the interview.

The bottom line is this: please take dating advice from someone who's actually gone all the way (or knows what that means).

You're welcome, virgin.

X-Rated Post

2009-02-04T23:22:00.008-05:00

Let's be honest: until now, I thought Free Pants readers comprised girls with crushes on me, potential in-laws (Hi mom!), special operatives hired by American Express looking to retrieve their money, and people looking for someone to give Steve Martin the business for polluting the airwaves with his incessant "Der Burger" commentary in ads promoting the release of Pink Panther 2. Sometimes, all of the above.

Turns out, I was leaving out a large section of the population: creepy guys who happen upon this site accidentally while surfing the net for porn. I installed a program called "statcounter"on the blog which provides information about the four people who visit The Pants each day.

One of the most exciting (and endearing) features is called "Recent Keyword Activity" and it displays the words people have typed into google that led them to this page.

Here are some of my favorites:

1. "individual rights of pants toilet bowl"

2. "call walter cronkite my girlfriend has her pants on"

3. "hands in pants movies"

4. "beware of desmond tutu"

5. "sexy broadcast live" (of course)

I can only imagine the profound sadness felt by these people as they clicked on Free Pants looking for dirty movies and found hilarious musings about Andy Rooney. What's more amazing, I think, is that 90% of these people are listed as "return users" which means they were searching for porn, found Free Pants and returned for the hilarity.

From this point forward, I want to try to lure even more perverts to the site by typing exciting phrases into mundane blog posts. For example, below is the MEG RYAN NANCY PELOSI JFK SEX TAPE!

Welcome, perverts.

In Obama News...

2009-02-04T13:07:00.002-05:00

Here's how major news outlets are reporting Obama's decision to limit salaries for executives of companies receiving federal bailout money:

CNN.com: Obama Deflates Golden Parachutes

Yahoonews.com: Obama Sets Maximum Wage

Foxnews.com: Obama Limits Pay; Still Terrorist

Don't Blame Yourself; Blame Michael Phelps

2009-02-02T20:01:00.017-05:00

__Pothead (pictured above)

I think we all can agree that limits -- whether they be credit or lapdances per strip club visit -- are important; they draw a line in the sand. I (and the nation) am willing to tolerate a lot: former Presidents who draw us into wars (which led to thousands of dead and wounded Americans), CEOs who use stimulus packages to line their own pockets, and endless iterations of Steve Martin's Pink Panther franchise ("Der Burger!") are just a few of items we as a nation can overlook.

But what we cannot abide is drug use by Michael Phelps, the guy who won eight Olympic medals this year. I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing: what an a--hole.

Luckily, I'm not in the minority on this one. South Carolina sheriff Leon Lott has already announced that he will be pressing charges. "If someone breaks the law in Richland County, we have an obligation as law enforcement to bring charges," said Lott.

Phelps issued an apology and even though it went against everything I (and America) stand for, I forgave him. Thankfully, Lott is not as weak as I -- the charges press on.

After the news of my forgiveness spread, however, Free Pants received thousands of apologies from celebrities and activists. In posting them here, I've decided to forgive their past transgressions as well. One hopes (not me) Sheriff Lott will show them mercy.

# 1. Desmond Tutu

Crime: Used mattress tag to cover open wounds of a dying man; the man survived.

Punishment (according to Sheriff Leon Lott): "That's a federal crime. I'd recommend 30 years in a federal prison and a fine of $50,000."

# 2. Mother Teresa

Crime: replayed game 6 of 1986 World Series to dying children in Ethiopia without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

Punishment (according to sheriff Leon Lott): "Just cause she's dead doesn't mean it isn't a crime. I'd dig up her body and put her in a cell for 70 years. I'd waive the fine, though. "

# 3. Amy Winehouse

Crime: storing, buying, snorting, selling, eating, being made of cocaine. Sleeping with Sheriff Lott's wife.

Punishment (according to sheriff Leon Lott): "Aw, I can't be mad a her. She's got so much talent! She probably got it from that drughead, Michael Phelps, though. I'd sentence him to 800 years in prison."

Winning the Layoff Lottery

2009-01-26T23:03:00.013-05:00

People often suggest that your state of mind colors your perception of the world. While statements like that are usually met (justifiably in a court of law) with scorn or a kick to the ribs, its sentiment can actually be taken to heart after today's national layoff extravaganza. (What was a terrible job yesterday can now be seen as simply a gateway to porn or rent, depending on your situation).

In what reporters are dubbing "Bloody Monday," over 74,000 jobs were lost today, mostly due to the economic downturn. According to CNN.com, companies like Texas Instruments and Home Depot laid off a combined 10,400 employees citing "weak demand and a slowing economy."

Other companies, however, are being more forthright about their failures. Free Pants received these refreshing news briefs from company spokesmen.

Take a look while applying for unemployment.

# 1.

Company: Sprint Nextel Corp.

Layoffs: 8,000

Reason:

Frank S. Billium, Sales Rep.

1596 Winfield Lane, Dayton, OH.

Why? Called out sick on October 30, 2008. Led to massive decrease in consumer demand.

# 2.

Company: Pfizer

Layoffs: 26,000

Reason:

Mary Goland, Vice President, Research & Development.

12 martinsville Dr. New York, NY.

Why? Insisted on wearing low-cut shirts, distracting male employees and lowering productivity.

# 3.

Company: Caterpillar

Layoffs: 20,000

Reason:

Chuck Higham, office manager.

76 Highland Ave.

Sacramento, CA.

Why? Consistently "doubled up" on coffee cups. Ordered excessive amounts of sticky pads for the "office" even though it was clear that no one in the office used sticky pads. Led to massive budget overruns.

# 4.

Company: Dutch Financial Group, ING

Layoffs: 7,000

Reason:

Margaret Smith, Temp.

968 Market Ave, apt # 57.

Winthrop, MA.

Why? Had a bad attitude. Consequently, company lost its heart.

Get back to work, slacker.

New Movie Reviews - 1/23/09

2009-01-23T23:26:00.006-05:00

Revolutionary Road - 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A young couple living in a Connecticut suburb during the mid-1950s struggle to come to terms with their personal problems while trying to raise their two children. Based on a novel by Richard Yates.

Free Pants Take: I think we can all agree that movies based upon novels aren't very good (unless Air Force One and 9 1/2 Weeks were celebrated novels). Critics will place the blame on the failure of the audience to connect with an actor portraying a character they've created in their own minds. I think it's because novels are boring and useless, except for throwing at mimes.

In this instance, I don't need to spend ten dollars to see the dissolution of a marriage; I can simply spend a few hours with my relatives. That is at least more likely to produce laughs. For some reason, movies about failed marriages are never funny. This is a shame - I think the moment when the weight of the world crushes someone's spirit should be met with a laugh track or someone being kicked in the groin.

Unexpected Scene: Special cameo appearance by Steve Martin (in character from upcoming Pink Panther sequel). He accidentally burns down the house killing the two children. When questioned by police, he simply responds, "Der Burger!" DiCaprio's and Winslet's characters can't help but laugh.

Slumdog Millionaire - 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): The story of the life of an impoverished Indian teen who becomes a contestant on the Hindi version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", wins, and is then suspected of cheating.

Free Pants' Take: Transcript of pitch meeting:

Producer: Okay, so have you ever watched a game show and thought, "I want more time between the question and the answer?

Studio Exec: Of course.

Producer: Me too. Now, what if after each question, we tell a terribly depressing story about the contestant's life that somehow ties in with the answer to the question.

Studio Exec: Wait. Explain.

Producer: Well, let's say they ask "What's the property of a rhombus?" Then, you show the kid in a flashback where his hands are lopped off by some crazy guy.

Studio exec: That's abhorrent.

Producer: But then the kid runs away and uses the pages from an old math book he finds in the garbage to bandage his wounds. One of those pages lists the properties of a rhombus. So he answers the question and wins money!

Studio Exec: That's uplifting!

Producer: Yep. Then, he sings and dances. The end.

Studio Exec: We have a deal.

Unexpected Scene: After losing the final question, the teen tries out for the Indian version of Deal or No Deal. He tells stories of why he picked cases # 2, 34, 11, and 5 in flashbacks. Special cameo appearance by Steve Martin (in character from upcoming Pink Panther sequel) as drug lord who makes the teen choose which of his brothers must die. When the teen chooses, Martin replies, "Der Berger!" and kills them both. Teen laughs. Then, sings and dances.

Not Tonight; I'm Having a Big Mac Attack

2009-01-20T20:14:00.018-05:00

I love medical studies -- they illuminate areas of our lives which previously confounded us. According to a 2006 study published in the Journal of Urology, for example, the authors assert that weight loss can improve sex. I believe this was also published with a companion piece entitled Fat Chicks Don't Get Laid.

According to this study:

"Obese men who did little exercise were at 2.5 times greater risk for erectile dysfunction (ED) compared with men who were not overweight and averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day."

Although this study could have signaled the death knell for fattening foods, fast food chains quickly put together print ads which actually utilized the study for its own benefit.

Free Pants received a free copy.

Carl's Jr.

"Studies suggest that obesity can cause erectile dysfunction, but would you really want it any other way? Who would you rather spend the evening with? A burger or your wife?

Option # 1: Wife

Judges you for sleeping in. You don't have a job; where do you need to be, anyway?
Yells at you for feeding kids food stamps
Nags you for not taking out trash/dead raccoons

Option # 2: Carl's Jr. Superstar with Cheese

Showers you with bacon and mayonnaise
Thinks your sweat pants compliment your body perfectly
Loves you despite the DUIs

So take back your manhood and choose ED over your wife. Isn't it a relief to finally have a legitimate reason not to sleep with her?"

Full article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090105/sc_livescience/weightlossimprovessex;_ylt=AgRN7bo.QQrdfUccD0.OD3TrSLYF

Return to Sender

2009-01-17T19:10:00.016-05:00

Obama's victory in the Presidential election has, for the moment, imbued the country with a sense of wonderment and possibility. The mood was so hopeful that grade school students took a break from cyberbullying and sleeping with their teachers to write letters expressing their hopes or proffering advice to the President-Elect.

The New York Times printed the letters in an online op-ed piece yesterday. The problem, though, was that these letters were mailed to the White House and were intercepted by Dick Cheney. Free Pants received a copy of the original letters and the Vice President's responses.

Letter # 1:

"Dear Sir Obama,

These are the first things you should do as president:

1. Make everyone read books.

2. Don't let teachers give kids hard homework.

3. Make a law where kids only get one page of homework per week.

4. Kids can go visit you whenever they want.

5. Make volunteer tutors get paid.

6. Let the tutors do all the thinking.

7. Make universities free.

8. Make students get extra credit for everything.

9. Give teachers raises.

10. If No. 4 is approved, let kids visit the Oval Office, but don't make it boring.

- Mireya Perez, age 8, San Francisco"

Response from Vice President Cheney:

"Dear Mireya,

Thank you for your letter, Mireya. I'm not sure what they're teaching you in this school, but in America, we believe in Capitalism. That means that people who work hard like CEOs or corporate lawyers are compensated (paid pesos or donkeys) more for their work than teachers or drug dealers. So, your request about free "university" is uniformly denied -- we are not a socialist society. Also, your request to pay volunteers is inherently flawed. I would send you a dictionary, but you'd probably just try to sell it to pay for health insurance. Be well.

- D.C."

Letter # 2:

"Dear Obama,

If I were President I would have fun, because I could run fast.

- Kenja Zelaya, age 6, Los Angeles"

Response from Dick Cheney:

"Dear Kenyan,

I read your note aloud to the Cabinet; we all had a good laugh. Seriously, though, this fractured sentence and its misguided (stupid) attempt to grasp the concept of the Presidency says more for your school than any standardized test ever could. Effective immediately, we're closing all of the schools in your district and allocating the federal money to a project more deserving: a Christian amusement park.

Best,

D.C.

P.S.

Since you love to run, you'll have no problem running to a school in another district."

Letter # 3:

"Dear President Obama,

I am small, quiet, smart. I love to swim and play basketball. My mom and dad are from the Dominican Republic. I am going to the Dominican Republic next year. I think you should try to change the world by building shelters for the people who live in the streets. It's the beginning of January, and it's cold. Good luck being the president.

- Pamela Mejia, age 11, Boston"

Response from Dick Cheney:

"Hello Pamela,

Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, those people in the streets choose to live there. It's always about choice -- some people choose to go to prep school, sing in a capella groups, go to business school, and become productive members of society, and others choose to take the easy way and live in the streets.

Best,

D.C.

P.S. I greatly appreciate the tip on your parents' illegal immigration status. You are a true American... in spirit. Unfortunately, you all will be deported within the week."

Letter # 4:

"Dear President Obama,

Could you help my family to get housecleaning jobs? I hope you will be a great president. If I were president, I would help all nations, even Hawaii. President Obama, I think you could help the world.

- Chad Timsing, age 9, Los Angeles"

Response from Dick Cheney:

"Dear Chad,

Yes. Call 210-298-0899. Ask for Mr. C.

D.C."

Full article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/16/opinion/16lettersintro.html?_r=1&no_interstitial

Stamp Series

2009-01-17T16:05:00.002-05:00

I love America -- its three branches of government promote balance and equality. Also, its currency is the basis for many installments of those delightful National Treasure movies. In another wise decision, the post office has decided to take a break from its endorsement deals exclusively with George Lucas to promote its special stamp series, which allows all advertisers to stick their hands in the pot.

Unlike most stamp series, which simply feature photos of famous people -- in an effort to appeal to those individuals who think their romantic overtures or requests for the bank to delay foreclosure will be met favorably by the fact that Louis Pasteur's or Roseanne Barr's face gazes upon them -- these stamps feature iconic photographs in which potentially offensive objects have been excised. For example, in the stamp above, Robert Johnson's cigarette has been removed from the photo.

There's more. Free Pants has just learned that the government is introducing yet another new stamp series which not only removes offensive material, but replaces those items with ad-based products, which will help drum up money for the failing institution. Free Pants received a free promotional copy. Enjoy, America.

# 1: Johnny Cash at Folsum Prison

1: Johnny Cash at Folsum Prison

The Nile -- It's a River in Egypt

2009-01-15T20:35:00.020-05:00

I love television. It can often be the bright spot in a day filled with annoying calls from coworkers, creditors or your children asking for their typhoid medication. So I can only imagine the collective sadness felt by the nation as they turned on their televisions (to see the latest episode of Howie Do It) only to find President Bush stammering through his last speech.

And what a speech it was. The only way to listen to it was with complete and utter incredulity. The way he glossed over significant missteps in foreign and domestic policy ("When challenges to our prosperity emerged, we rose to meet them!!!!!"*) makes one wonder if Bush would have walked into the bar while Jodie Foster's character was raped in The Accused and said, "Hey, these pool tables are great!"

He continues:

"America's air, water, and lands are measurably cleaner."

I don't want to become embroiled in a semantics game, but that sentence calls into question several things, mainly the President's definition of "cleaner," "Measurably," "America," "air," "water," and "lands."

Well, at least Bush is willing to admit his mistakes... sort of.

"You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made. But I hope you agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions."

This should be the logic upon which new David E. Kelley legal dramas are based.

"You might not agree with my decision to punch you in the groin. But I hope you agree that I am punching you in the groin, your Honor."

I get the feeling that Bush thinks that because his reign is ending, he can simply wrap up the loose ends like a bad third act in a TV movie with Shannon Doherty.

"Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States."

Uh... really? I guess the media was too busy focusing on the implosion of the economy and the death toll of American soldiers in Iraq to report it.

But now it all makes sense. I sincerely hope that Bush decides to celebrate the success of Iraq's new democracy by moving there. I'll even stand atop an air craft carrier with my thumbs raised up while a "Mission Accomplished" banner waves in the background.

* Exclamation points added by the Pants.