It's Not the Diagnosis, It's the Way You Said It

I love CNN.com. It's a welcome distraction from the daily trampling perpetrated by our Quality Assurance team whenever they detect food in the conference room or some one's briefcase.



Today, I read an article that was both edifying and amazing. It was entitled: "There's No Good Way to Tell your Kids They Have Cancer," and it featured medical "experts" who waxed poetic on the value of being forthright with your kids about their imminent demise.


According to Dr. Lawrence Wolfe, a pediatric hematologist-oncologist at Long Island Medical Center, "There's no good way to tell your children they're sick, but truth-telling usually pays off in the end."



I guess, but lying until they succumb to the disease sounds a lot easier and less stressful to me.



The article goes on to cite evidence from the National Cancer Institute which provides ways to deliver the blow to children of all ages. Adolescents, for example, "need things explained to them in ways they can relate to." So, I guess, you could say cancer is like a bad game of guitar hero or sleeping with someone in the marching band followed by a painful death.



Regardless, Free Pants disagrees with the central premise of the article; I can think of a million great ways to tell your kids they have a limited amount of time on this earth. To avoid a Pants backlash, I contacted some of the world's leading oncologists for tips on how to easily break the news. Enjoy responsibly.



Easy Ways to Tell Your Kids They Have Cancer:



1. Dr. Steven Franks







"Hire a clown to come to the house. After making a balloon IV drip, let the clown deliver the news. If the child cries, have the clown offer up his 'never-ending' hanky. The kid will laugh so hard, he'll forget about his imminent demise."



2. Dr. Samantha Jencks







"Children need to take an active role in their cure. Before you break the news, buy the child a piggy bank and tell him to save money in order to cure cancer. One month later, break open the bank and shake your head in disgust saying, 'We can't cure your cancer with six dollars. You have no one to blame but yourself.' Then, take the six dollars and pick-up a Pizza Hut Pizzone. Hey, a parent's got to eat, too."



3. Dr. Milton Bozymski







"Buy a prepaid cell phone. Then secretly add a new contact to your child's phone using the prepaid cell phone number and label it 'God.' The next day send the following text message: 'U R Dying. LOL (optional).' When they show you the message, tell them that God works in mysterious ways. Then, take their phone away; your plan doesn't include unlimited texting."



4. Dr. Eve Stinson







"Sometimes, bad messages are better received when they are from trusted sources. There is a service that sends birthday messages from Batman/Spiderman/Barney, etc. Have them call the child and leave the following message:



"(Spiderman): Hello (insert name)! My spidey senses are tingling. They tell me your white blood cell count is dangerously low!"



5. Dr. Alex Byrd







"Let your child figure it out on his own without spelling it out for him. It will make him feel smart. For example, tell him that you both should write a will. When he asks questions, simply tell him that wills are what dying people draw up as a way to make sure their possessions are passed along to loved ones. After he finishes his, throw yours away and tell him that only he needs one -- it's for dying people, after all. To console him, let him know that he doesn't really own anything anyway. Then, tear up the paper and start selling his toys on Ebay."


6. Dr. Francis Verhooven







"It's important for a child to maintain a sense of pride. Show him the recent reports which suggest that cancer will overtake heart disease as the leading cause of death and tell him, "You are helping to make this a reality."



7. Dr. Garrett Maxwell

"Apathy is a great way to curb the fear and restlessness associated with a death sentence. For example, let him have all the candy he wants. When he asks, "What's the special occasion?" Tell him, "Why not? Couldn't be worse for you than the tumors."





Here's the full article:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/18/ep.children.bad.diagnosis/index.html

Put Your Resume in Your Mouth

Sometimes I feel like I was born just in time. Had I been born earlier, I might not have had the opportunity to experience the glut of amazing news stories published on the web. For example, I might have missed out on the sage advice proffered by the people at careerbuilder.com. The article, which was picked up by CNN.com, advises job seekers on what not to say during interviews. Here are some examples from the article:


"'I hated my last boss,' 'How long until I get a promotion?' 'I want to take these days off.'"


Reading the article inspired sadness and introspection: how many failed interviews did the author experience before arriving at these conclusions? I was so curious, I emailed CNN.com and asked for the first draft of the article which contained many more pieces of advice.


if I share them with you, you should probably get a job, slacker.


Other things not to say/do in an interview:


1. Play air guitar
2. Attempt to arm wrestle the interviewer after he asks, "What are your strengths?"
3. Quote (with voices) The Simpsons, Family Guy, Vagina Monologues
4. Just like in Austin Powers or any sitcom from the 1980's, claim the female receptionist is really a man. Then, try to remove her "fake" hair. Look perplexed when it can't be removed. Later in the interview, cite that as an example of one of your weaknesses.
5. Do push ups when asked why you would be an asset to the team
6. "When can I co-sign a loan with you?"
7. Hand the interviewer your cell phone and ask him to take a photo of you "at work"
8. Ask, "What time is it?" after he presses you for questions.
9. Re-enact the Sharon Stone leg-crossing scene from Basic Instinct.
10. Sing your answers Broadway-style.
11. Blow air kisses as you leave. Make a sad face when he/she doesn't "catch" them.

"Heartfelt" Father's Day Gifts

There was a time when fathers were beloved. I wasn't around during this time, but I've been told about it by the elderly men I dead leg at Supermarkets.

Apparently, fathers were seen as beacons of wisdom; lighthouses that provided guidance to spouses and children who had lost their way. This is strange as current sitcoms and commercials portray fathers as functionally retarded. They're always tubby, bald and twisted up in Christmas lights (even though the commercial is for Oat Bran). Then, the wife/child/animated dog will arrive with wisdom for everyone.

I take umbrage with this trend. Perhaps Dad can't focus on doing the family taxes because he was busy paying the mortgage. And maybe Dad can't get to the gym because he's stress eats thinking about your non-stop bed wetting.

Regardless, it's Father's Day and the monsters at Oprah.com have provided a list of "great" gifts for dad. Dear Reader, these gifts would inspire incredulity, if not non-stop suicides. Pointing out the flaws in these gift ideas is my gift to dads (and homicide detectives) everywhere. Except for mine -- he's getting a subscription to Playboy.

From Oprah.com:

# 11 Dad Club

"Sign him up for a book club for a year. He will get a new book every month. He can pass the book to you after he is done, and you can meet for lunch to talk about the book (and everything else)."

Free Pants' Take: If there's something worse than reading or talking with your kid, it's talking with your kid about reading (and why you blew their college fund at the track).

Free Pants' Suggestion: Leave the family and live at the local library. Each month, meet with Dad to discuss books (and how you wrestled sandwiches away from hobos -- if there's time). He'll be sure to thank you for lessening his burdens.

# 8 IM your Dad

"Use your computer or Palm Pilot to send dad instant messages over the Internet. Just nice things like "You're the greatest," "I love you" and "Thank you for all you do." These little gems may take an instant, but their meaning will last a long time in his heart."

Free Pants' Take: First of all, your dad's inbox is already clogged with messages from creditors and perhaps his mistress. Secondly, your dad is at work (or strip clubs or Canada) in an effort to get away from you. Why remind him of the little guy who eats his food and can't throw a baseball? Leave him alone. Thirdly, how about getting off your fat ass and doing something? Jesus, Tubby.

Free Pants' Suggestion: If you choose to send him a text, make sure it's one that he'll love like: "Dad! I don't want an allowance!" or "Dad! I've decided to move out and live in the ocean!"


# 5 Little Bits of Love

"Spend a day on the golf course with your dad if he likes to golf. Paint or glue little slips of paper with the words "I Love You," "You're the Greatest" or "Best Dad" on a set of golf balls as a gift (or tennis balls if that's his game).If he's not into sports, you can still surprise him by leaving these "little pieces of love" all over the place—in the car, the dresser drawer, on his toothbrush, in his briefcase, in his shoe and so on. He will have such a laugh discovering them throughout the day."

Free Pants' Take: Good Lord. This suggestion also applies to the related Oprah.com article How to Ensure His Buddies Will Call Him Gay. I'm pretty sure these will convince him that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level which is only cool if you're Josef Fritzl.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Tattoo "I love you!" on your groin and let Dad practice his kick-boxing/crowbar-swinging on you.

# 2 The Gift of Time
"Spend time with your father. Type up an itinerary of the day's events for him to follow and tie a big bow on it!"

Free Pants' Take: Look: dad spends a lot of his free time watching you fail at sports or dance around like a moron at dance recitals. The last thing he wants to do is spend time with you. You have nothing to offer! This isn't a Disney movie where you enrich his life; you have slowly sucked out his soul with your Baby Einstein-watching, Jonas brothers-Listening, and Vaccine-Wasting ways.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Pin a note to your shirt that reads, "I love you." Then, hop into an abandoned fridge. Close door.

Note: Spell Check did not recognize Josef Fritzl. Spell-check is one luck SOB.

Full article: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/family/pkgfathersday/slideshow1_ss_giftsfather_sandra/13

Ed McMahon -- Best Couch Potato Ever

According to the "CIA fact book," about 7,000 people die each day in the United States. Too bad no one will remember these guys since they happened to die on the same day as Ed McMahon.

For those of you not familiar, Ed McMahon wasn't a particularly funny or talented man, but he did know how to introduce you to one. Each night on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, McMahon would sit (in so many different ways!) next to Johnny and cackle at Carson's jokes just like my Uncle Frank after he'd drink a box of wine and toss rats into babies' diapers.

Not long ago -- if you can remember a time before Jon & Kate plus 8 -- McMahon was derided by the media and Hollywood for squandering his fortune and letting his mansion belly flop into foreclosure. But now that the guy is dead, he's suddenly the most beloved sack of crap.

He's been given the dubious honor of being called the "human laugh track." This is a man who served honorably as a fighter pilot in World War II and Korea. This is how he's remembered?

I heard someone say that he's sure Ed McMahon is sitting next to God and laughing at everything He says. First of all, I'm not sure Ed McMahon should be laughing when God tells people to murder abortion doctors or floods entire cities. Second, I'm pretty sure after five seconds in Heaven, God will turn to Ed and say, "Please shut the f--- up."

Hey-O!

Night at the Holocaust Museum

Unless you've barricaded yourself in an Applebees men's room until the studio executives who cancelled Samantha Who? reverse their decision, you've probably heard about the shooting that took place at the Holocaust Museum yesterday. Apparently, Stephen Tyrone Johns, a security guard at the museum, opened the door for what he thought was an elderly patron. That patron, an 88-year-old Neo-Nazi (or original "classic" Nazi, actually), summarily shot and killed the security guard.

Words that spring to mind include the following: "sad," "senseless," "alternate ending to Disney- Pixar's Up."

But hero?

According to an article on CNN.com, D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty and other top officials are labeling Johns a "hero."

"A six-year veteran of the museum's security staff, Johns "died heroically in the line of duty," said Sara Bloomfield, director of the museum."

I have someone who can refute that statement: a dictionary.

According to Webster's, a hero is:

1. "A person who has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal:

ex. He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child."

also:

2. "A sandwich."

I'm going to assume D.C. officials are referring to Webster's second definition as Johns performed in a manner more consistent with a sandwich.

The guard opened the door and was shot by an old guy. How is that heroic? He didn't choose to take a bullet to save people; he just happened to be there -- he was a victim. By that logic, I've made heroes out of all the 10-year-olds I punch in the crotch at supermarkets.

As it turns out, this tragic event has inspired the governor's office to offer commendations to other "heroes."  Here's the Mayor's list:

1. Andrea Stone - 36-year-old Kentucky woman who heeded the call for justice when she tripped over a crack in the stairwell and tumbled three stories below.

2. Huggles - D.C. kitten that heroically darted out into rush-hour traffic despite protestations from onlookers.

3. Mark E. Feinsturg -- Connecticut man who bravely distracted evil lightning by allowing himself to be struck by it.

If there is a lesson in all this it's this: don't help old people.

How to Say No

Comedians and doctors can (and often) spend hours lecturing people about the differences between men and women. In a recent Internet search, I happened upon what can be classified as not really a difference between men and women, but a similarity between certain types of men and women and fully functioning robotic dogs: they can't say no.

Luckily, Oprah.com has posted an article which provides people with the tools necessary to stand up for themselves. Here's a sample:

How To Say No To…...

"You wouldn't mind ________, would you?"

1 "Actually, I would."


..."You know what I mean?"

2 "Actually, I don't."


...unsolicited advice:

3 "There's an idea!"


...someone you've said yes to in the past:

4 "Yes! (as in, yes to your gut feeling that the right answer is no): "I know I've agreed to ________ in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."


Some other "techniques" for saying no the author forgot to mention include the following:

• giving a thumbs down
• flatulence
• kicking someone in the ribs (not limited to the questioner; it could be a random passerby or baby)
• All of the above
  

For example:

Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials?"

You: "There's an idea!" (Then, kick him in the ribs.)

How people survived before this advice is a testament to their will and character. In an attempt to reach across the aisle (to robotic dogs, not weaklings), I've decided to apply some of the "techniques" to my everyday life.

Situation # 1

"You wouldn't mind removing your foot from my chest, would you?"

"Actually, I would, your Honor."


Situation # 2

"Hey, you should probably not hang from/make a lasso out of those live electrical wires!"

"There's an idea."

Situation # 3

"Where's your condom?"

"I know I've agreed to wear a condom in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."

The article then proffers advice on how to "not take no for an answer" that lead to imagined confrontations that can, according to authorities, be used as a legitimate reason for suicide.

Can someone please forward this article to the studio heads who renew According to Jim?

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200807_omag_no_anytime

Dios Mia

People are profoundly disturbed. According to television shows and movies, "flawed" characters overcome their fears by succumbing to love or kicking fat guys in the crotch -- it depends on the show. In real life, though, love (or crotch-kicking) doesn't really hold a candle to everyone's baggage. It's pretty depressing. I guess that's why God created Howie Do It.

In the latest Depressing Story About an Old Person, Mia Farrow has staged a hunger strike to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. One could also argue that she is drumming up awareness for Mia Farrow, the actress who hasn't been in a decent movie or newspaper in fifteen years.

I think Farrow is off the mark: people are aware of the problem; it's more likely that they prefer to follow Ashton Kutcher's Twitter battle with CNN than deal with dead women and children. But it's nice of Farrow to think that losing ten pounds over three weeks will scare America straight. As we all know, Americans don't mind genocide, but they will not risk putting Mia Farrow in an uncomfortable position.

It's a nice, if narcissistic thought, Mia. Here's a better way to capture people's attention: make a movie that doesn't suck.*

*Woody Allen movies not included; they were good.

**As of Free Pants press time, Farrow's hunger strike has ended. The genocide continues. Thanks for failing me again, Mia.