Stand-Up: Why Women will destory the world

Like Father, Like Son

In "touching father, son news," last week Tony Gwynn called his son to inform him of his trade to the Padres, the club at which Gwynn senior played for nearly twenty years. According to yahoonews.com, there was a moment of tenderness, followed by excitement.

Unreported by yahoonews.com is another phone call placed by Pete Rose to his son, Pete Rose, Jr. at about the same time. Luckily, Free Pants has the transcript of this call:

Pete Rose, Jr: Hello?

Pete Rose: Hi, it's Dad. I have news. The Chattanooga Lookouts are looking for a new janitor.

Pete Rose, Jr: Wow! That's great news! So I would work under you?

Pete Rose: Yes.

On Tacit Disapproval

Last week, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi took a break from running naked in my nightmares to publicly deny any complicity in torture used by the government against so-called "enemy combatants."

According to Pelosi:

""We were not -- I repeat -- were not told that waterboarding or any of these other enhanced interrogation methods were used. What they did tell us is that they had . . . the Office of Legal Counsel opinions [and] that they could be used, but not that they would," she said.

Congressman and former Bush administration officials have reported that Pelosi received the briefings and was aware of the torture techniques employed by the military.  Despite these reports, Pelosi insists that she was "lied to" and feels "duped.  In fact, now she is launching a formal investigation. 

Free Pants agrees with the Speaker and spent the day holding her hand and supplying her with tissues while she read a laundry list of other ways in which she felt "duped" or "lied to" by people outside of Washington.  

Free Pants declassified it for you; here it is:

1. The existence of Santa Claus.  

"TV shows, Christmas carols, Macy's and my parents would insist on his existence.  I've sent them all summons... even my parents.  Death is no excuse not to show up in court."

2. Old Meineke tagline, "You're not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."  

"In reality, I paid quite a lot for that muffler.  And they painted my car a disgusting color.  You are going to pay a lot for lying to Pelosi, Meineke."

3. X-Ray specs in the back of Archie comic books did not provide x-ray vision

"I don't need X-Ray specs to see through your corrupt and soulless business practices.  "See" you in court."

4. Saw Get Smart.  Despite critic Jeffrey Lyons' claim,  it did not seem like "the funniest family movie in years!"

"Space Chimps is the funniest family movie in recent history.  Everyone knows that.  Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Lyons."

6. The dissolution of Sean Penn's and Robin Wright Penn's marriage.

"They seemed so happy; I cried for days.  How could they keep their problems from me?"

7. Drank Red Bull.  Did not grow wings.

"You can't fly away from my subpoenas, Red Bull."

A Robot By Any Other Name Would Still Eviscerate You

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090521/sc_livescience/realsoldierslovetheirrobotbrethren

Yesterday, I reported on the CNN.com article in which the author announced -- with a nonchalance that left me (and humanity, one hopes) staring at the screen with incredulity -- that WWI vets frequently kissed each other in the trenches. Today, I found another article destined to hang in our future Robot Master's office (adjacent to human heads) shortly after humanity's demise.

Apparently, soldiers are falling in love with their robot brethren.

"One of the psychologically interesting things is that these systems aren't designed to promote intimacy, and yet we're seeing these bonds being built with them," said Peter Singer, a leading defense analyst at the Brookings Institution."

"One EOD soldier brought in a robot for repairs with tears in his eyes and asked the repair shop if it could put "Scooby-Doo" back together. Despite being assured that he would get a new robot, the soldier remained inconsolable. He only wanted Scooby-Doo."

This is disconcerting to me and thousands of dateless women who wonder why men can feel more affection for the short circuit robot than them. I can see the articles in O magazine now:
"How to Tell If He's Having An Emotional Affair With His Robot!"

Why is this allowed to happen? Have scientists not seen the Terminator movies?

"The United States military sees robots as tireless warriors capable of striking fear into enemies, and is not shy about finding inspiration from Terminator. One scientist said he was trying to build the Hunter-Killer drone from 'Terminator,'" Singer told LiveScience."

Apparently, a better question is this one: have scientists seen the end of the Terminator movies?

Let me allay your fears. Scientists and the robots' army spouses have a reward system in place to keep the robots satisfied with their roles. The system? Promotions!

"...several teams have given their robots promotions, Purple Heart awards for being wounded in combat, and even a military funeral."

I can only imagine the profound sadness felt by someone passed up for a promotion for a Roomba. And I believe that awarding a Purple Heart, the highest honor the military can bestow upon an individual for bravery, to a giant tank undermines the value of the award. Why stop there? Give it to dogs, recycle bins, and Gallagher's audience members.

And finally: what does one say at a robot funeral?

"I remember when my robot killed everyone in the classroom -- their white flags couldn''t save them from disembowelment.  Then, we kissed."

Still more:

"When Singer asked one U.S. Air Force officer about how he envisioned the psychological impact of the drones on the enemy, the officer compared the Taliban and Al Qaeda militants to the human resistance fighters in the "Terminator" movies - hiding in their bunkers and caves from the technological onslaught."

So, in the government's mind we're the terminators? After a stream of questions from reporters, the officer clarified his position by saying that just like in Schindler's List, we were the Nazis and the Taliban were the weak, malnourished Holocaust detainees, and that America would be like the rapist bikers in the Accused; the taliban would be like Jodie Foster.

On the bright side, though, robots are all about reducing their carbon footprint.

"Singer attended one presentation on the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) - a long-range robot that refuels itself on "grass, broken wood, furniture, dead bodies," according to a list reeled off by one scientist."

Finally, Bea Arthur can be of use.

Terrifying War Facts

In my endless quest for online fodder, I happened upon one of the most alarming war facts of all time. According to an article published on CNN.com about important historical kisses (yes, the link is at the bottom), World War I soldiers made out with each other like horny teens in a drive-in.

"In 1927, two soldiers kissed tenderly in the silent movie "Wings", which won Best Picture at the first Academy Awards. When the film was released, no one raised an eyebrow about the scene, partially because kissing(!!!*) in the trenches was remarkably common during World War I.

According to British Academy Postdoctoral Fellow Dr. Santanu Das, letters and accounts of the war are peppered with stories of soldiers kissing, embracing, and giving each other pet names like 'my Palestine Wife.'"

I'm not much of an exclamation point man, but soldiers making out in the trenches deserves them after every word.

Good Lord. No wonder WWI vets were tight-lipped about their experiences.

The article lumbers on about other historical kisses (Jesus and Judas, Moses and Larry King) but fails to mention the historical dry humping sessions of Hitler and Chamberlain.

Come on, CNN. You can do better.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/05/20/mf.ten.important.kisses/index.html

*Exclamation points added by God's request

What Guys Really Want

After intelligence, sense of humor and sex appeal, I think humility is one of my best qualities.  Despite this, though, I have decided to venture outside of my comfort zone to correct the missteps of yahoo.com/personals writer and virgin Ron Dodge.  

In his article entitled 5 Easy Ways To Make Men Smile, Dodge lists the things that might make a 13 year-old girl happy like "arm-touching."  

Luckily for men everywhere, Free Pants has already submitted his tracked version (with comments) to the editors.  I've pasted it below.  You're welcome.

#1: Touch His Arm  (Penis)

There are a lot of ways to subtly let a guy know you're into him, like maintaining eye contact, playing with your hair, and smiling a lot. But the only one that sends shivers down my spine is when a girl touches my arm (penis) during conversation. It always surprises me, and it's always great.

#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday (About Touching His Penis)

OK, this might not be free depending on your cell phone plan, but it's still a great value. Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note from someone special, and unless his job is super-intense he'll have plenty of time to daydream about you. (Guys like text messages about their genitals.)

#3: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment (About His Penis)

Telling a guy he's funny or smart is always appreciated, but the really meaningful compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him. Something like "I love the way your face (penis) scrunches up when you're doing the crossword puzzle (me)."

#4: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote (About His Penis) After Your First Date -- or Write One Now(… Then Touch His Penis)

One of the best things about having a girlfriend is reminiscing about what you thought about each other (his penis) in the beginning of your relationship.

#5: Present Him With A Photo of You And Him (His Penis)

Guys need something to distract them from their annoying co-workers in the office.  What better way to keep his mind focused on your relationship than to have a framed photo of you and him (his penis)?  It’s something he can look to in difficult times or when he’s in need of reminiscing.

Full article is here: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24293/dating-tips-5-easy-ways-to-make-men-smile

Yeah, I haven't written in over a month and this is my first post back.  Deal with it.