"Heartfelt" Father's Day Gifts

There was a time when fathers were beloved. I wasn't around during this time, but I've been told about it by the elderly men I dead leg at Supermarkets.

Apparently, fathers were seen as beacons of wisdom; lighthouses that provided guidance to spouses and children who had lost their way. This is strange as current sitcoms and commercials portray fathers as functionally retarded. They're always tubby, bald and twisted up in Christmas lights (even though the commercial is for Oat Bran). Then, the wife/child/animated dog will arrive with wisdom for everyone.

I take umbrage with this trend. Perhaps Dad can't focus on doing the family taxes because he was busy paying the mortgage. And maybe Dad can't get to the gym because he's stress eats thinking about your non-stop bed wetting.

Regardless, it's Father's Day and the monsters at Oprah.com have provided a list of "great" gifts for dad. Dear Reader, these gifts would inspire incredulity, if not non-stop suicides. Pointing out the flaws in these gift ideas is my gift to dads (and homicide detectives) everywhere. Except for mine -- he's getting a subscription to Playboy.

From Oprah.com:

# 11 Dad Club

"Sign him up for a book club for a year. He will get a new book every month. He can pass the book to you after he is done, and you can meet for lunch to talk about the book (and everything else)."

Free Pants' Take: If there's something worse than reading or talking with your kid, it's talking with your kid about reading (and why you blew their college fund at the track).

Free Pants' Suggestion: Leave the family and live at the local library. Each month, meet with Dad to discuss books (and how you wrestled sandwiches away from hobos -- if there's time). He'll be sure to thank you for lessening his burdens.

# 8 IM your Dad

"Use your computer or Palm Pilot to send dad instant messages over the Internet. Just nice things like "You're the greatest," "I love you" and "Thank you for all you do." These little gems may take an instant, but their meaning will last a long time in his heart."

Free Pants' Take: First of all, your dad's inbox is already clogged with messages from creditors and perhaps his mistress. Secondly, your dad is at work (or strip clubs or Canada) in an effort to get away from you. Why remind him of the little guy who eats his food and can't throw a baseball? Leave him alone. Thirdly, how about getting off your fat ass and doing something? Jesus, Tubby.

Free Pants' Suggestion: If you choose to send him a text, make sure it's one that he'll love like: "Dad! I don't want an allowance!" or "Dad! I've decided to move out and live in the ocean!"


# 5 Little Bits of Love

"Spend a day on the golf course with your dad if he likes to golf. Paint or glue little slips of paper with the words "I Love You," "You're the Greatest" or "Best Dad" on a set of golf balls as a gift (or tennis balls if that's his game).If he's not into sports, you can still surprise him by leaving these "little pieces of love" all over the place—in the car, the dresser drawer, on his toothbrush, in his briefcase, in his shoe and so on. He will have such a laugh discovering them throughout the day."

Free Pants' Take: Good Lord. This suggestion also applies to the related Oprah.com article How to Ensure His Buddies Will Call Him Gay. I'm pretty sure these will convince him that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level which is only cool if you're Josef Fritzl.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Tattoo "I love you!" on your groin and let Dad practice his kick-boxing/crowbar-swinging on you.

# 2 The Gift of Time
"Spend time with your father. Type up an itinerary of the day's events for him to follow and tie a big bow on it!"

Free Pants' Take: Look: dad spends a lot of his free time watching you fail at sports or dance around like a moron at dance recitals. The last thing he wants to do is spend time with you. You have nothing to offer! This isn't a Disney movie where you enrich his life; you have slowly sucked out his soul with your Baby Einstein-watching, Jonas brothers-Listening, and Vaccine-Wasting ways.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Pin a note to your shirt that reads, "I love you." Then, hop into an abandoned fridge. Close door.

Note: Spell Check did not recognize Josef Fritzl. Spell-check is one luck SOB.

Full article: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/family/pkgfathersday/slideshow1_ss_giftsfather_sandra/13