On Tacit Disapproval

Last week, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi took a break from running naked in my nightmares to publicly deny any complicity in torture used by the government against so-called "enemy combatants."

According to Pelosi:

""We were not -- I repeat -- were not told that waterboarding or any of these other enhanced interrogation methods were used. What they did tell us is that they had . . . the Office of Legal Counsel opinions [and] that they could be used, but not that they would," she said.

Congressman and former Bush administration officials have reported that Pelosi received the briefings and was aware of the torture techniques employed by the military.  Despite these reports, Pelosi insists that she was "lied to" and feels "duped.  In fact, now she is launching a formal investigation. 

Free Pants agrees with the Speaker and spent the day holding her hand and supplying her with tissues while she read a laundry list of other ways in which she felt "duped" or "lied to" by people outside of Washington.  

Free Pants declassified it for you; here it is:

1. The existence of Santa Claus.  

"TV shows, Christmas carols, Macy's and my parents would insist on his existence.  I've sent them all summons... even my parents.  Death is no excuse not to show up in court."

2. Old Meineke tagline, "You're not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."  

"In reality, I paid quite a lot for that muffler.  And they painted my car a disgusting color.  You are going to pay a lot for lying to Pelosi, Meineke."

3. X-Ray specs in the back of Archie comic books did not provide x-ray vision

"I don't need X-Ray specs to see through your corrupt and soulless business practices.  "See" you in court."

4. Saw Get Smart.  Despite critic Jeffrey Lyons' claim,  it did not seem like "the funniest family movie in years!"

"Space Chimps is the funniest family movie in recent history.  Everyone knows that.  Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Lyons."

6. The dissolution of Sean Penn's and Robin Wright Penn's marriage.

"They seemed so happy; I cried for days.  How could they keep their problems from me?"

7. Drank Red Bull.  Did not grow wings.

"You can't fly away from my subpoenas, Red Bull."