Ed McMahon -- Best Couch Potato Ever

According to the "CIA fact book," about 7,000 people die each day in the United States. Too bad no one will remember these guys since they happened to die on the same day as Ed McMahon.

For those of you not familiar, Ed McMahon wasn't a particularly funny or talented man, but he did know how to introduce you to one. Each night on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, McMahon would sit (in so many different ways!) next to Johnny and cackle at Carson's jokes just like my Uncle Frank after he'd drink a box of wine and toss rats into babies' diapers.

Not long ago -- if you can remember a time before Jon & Kate plus 8 -- McMahon was derided by the media and Hollywood for squandering his fortune and letting his mansion belly flop into foreclosure. But now that the guy is dead, he's suddenly the most beloved sack of crap.

He's been given the dubious honor of being called the "human laugh track." This is a man who served honorably as a fighter pilot in World War II and Korea. This is how he's remembered?

I heard someone say that he's sure Ed McMahon is sitting next to God and laughing at everything He says. First of all, I'm not sure Ed McMahon should be laughing when God tells people to murder abortion doctors or floods entire cities. Second, I'm pretty sure after five seconds in Heaven, God will turn to Ed and say, "Please shut the f--- up."

Hey-O!

Hyperbole Buster -- Song Edition

Everyone, whether it's a politician or the coworker I'm hugging in the men's room, uses hyperbole; it's the latest craze, like twittering or vaccinating children. However, Free Pants cannot abide this lazy form of expression.

In an effort to stymie its use, I've contacted experts in various fields to refute the hyperbole used so frequently in popular rock songs. Once you realize the error of your ways, you will thank the Pants for giving you the best gift ever created.

# 1. Excerpt from You Saved the Best For Last by Vanessa Williams

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June,

Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon;

Just when I though our chance had passed

You go and save the best for last."

Rebuttal from:



NASA Astronomer Stan Odenfeld:

"The Moon orbits the Earth and the Earth revolves around the sun. The closest point at which this could occur would be during a lunar eclipse which is an anomaly of sorts. Still, the notion of the sun "going 'round" the moon is preposterous. I played this lyric for my son with down syndrome and he laughed and said even he thought Vanessa Williams was retarded."


# 2. Excerpt from We Built This City (on Rock and Roll) by Starship

"We built this city on rock and roll."

Rebuttal from:



Chief Engineer and City Planner Bob Strenfield

"Typically, cities comprise 10,000 inhabitants. When building a city, one needs the following: 19 tons of wet cement, 4.5 tons of steels, three to four separate construction crews comprising 20- 30 highly skilled workers, a clear plan for sanitation, plumbing, electrical, cable, and water pipes/cables. You also need approval from the state and local governments. A city built solely on Rock and Roll would not be able to adequately provide for its inhabitants. A statement like that is not only erroneous, but dangerous.


# 3. Excerpt from What's Love (Got to Do With It)? By Tina Turner

"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Rebuttal from:



Dr. Stephen Weisfeldt, Chief Cardiologist, Mayo Clinic

"You need a heart to live."

"Heartfelt" Father's Day Gifts

There was a time when fathers were beloved. I wasn't around during this time, but I've been told about it by the elderly men I dead leg at Supermarkets.

Apparently, fathers were seen as beacons of wisdom; lighthouses that provided guidance to spouses and children who had lost their way. This is strange as current sitcoms and commercials portray fathers as functionally retarded. They're always tubby, bald and twisted up in Christmas lights (even though the commercial is for Oat Bran). Then, the wife/child/animated dog will arrive with wisdom for everyone.

I take umbrage with this trend. Perhaps Dad can't focus on doing the family taxes because he was busy paying the mortgage. And maybe Dad can't get to the gym because he's stress eats thinking about your non-stop bed wetting.

Regardless, it's Father's Day and the monsters at Oprah.com have provided a list of "great" gifts for dad. Dear Reader, these gifts would inspire incredulity, if not non-stop suicides. Pointing out the flaws in these gift ideas is my gift to dads (and homicide detectives) everywhere. Except for mine -- he's getting a subscription to Playboy.

From Oprah.com:

# 11 Dad Club

"Sign him up for a book club for a year. He will get a new book every month. He can pass the book to you after he is done, and you can meet for lunch to talk about the book (and everything else)."

Free Pants' Take: If there's something worse than reading or talking with your kid, it's talking with your kid about reading (and why you blew their college fund at the track).

Free Pants' Suggestion: Leave the family and live at the local library. Each month, meet with Dad to discuss books (and how you wrestled sandwiches away from hobos -- if there's time). He'll be sure to thank you for lessening his burdens.

# 8 IM your Dad

"Use your computer or Palm Pilot to send dad instant messages over the Internet. Just nice things like "You're the greatest," "I love you" and "Thank you for all you do." These little gems may take an instant, but their meaning will last a long time in his heart."

Free Pants' Take: First of all, your dad's inbox is already clogged with messages from creditors and perhaps his mistress. Secondly, your dad is at work (or strip clubs or Canada) in an effort to get away from you. Why remind him of the little guy who eats his food and can't throw a baseball? Leave him alone. Thirdly, how about getting off your fat ass and doing something? Jesus, Tubby.

Free Pants' Suggestion: If you choose to send him a text, make sure it's one that he'll love like: "Dad! I don't want an allowance!" or "Dad! I've decided to move out and live in the ocean!"


# 5 Little Bits of Love

"Spend a day on the golf course with your dad if he likes to golf. Paint or glue little slips of paper with the words "I Love You," "You're the Greatest" or "Best Dad" on a set of golf balls as a gift (or tennis balls if that's his game).If he's not into sports, you can still surprise him by leaving these "little pieces of love" all over the place—in the car, the dresser drawer, on his toothbrush, in his briefcase, in his shoe and so on. He will have such a laugh discovering them throughout the day."

Free Pants' Take: Good Lord. This suggestion also applies to the related Oprah.com article How to Ensure His Buddies Will Call Him Gay. I'm pretty sure these will convince him that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level which is only cool if you're Josef Fritzl.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Tattoo "I love you!" on your groin and let Dad practice his kick-boxing/crowbar-swinging on you.

# 2 The Gift of Time
"Spend time with your father. Type up an itinerary of the day's events for him to follow and tie a big bow on it!"

Free Pants' Take: Look: dad spends a lot of his free time watching you fail at sports or dance around like a moron at dance recitals. The last thing he wants to do is spend time with you. You have nothing to offer! This isn't a Disney movie where you enrich his life; you have slowly sucked out his soul with your Baby Einstein-watching, Jonas brothers-Listening, and Vaccine-Wasting ways.

Free Pants' Suggestion: Pin a note to your shirt that reads, "I love you." Then, hop into an abandoned fridge. Close door.

Note: Spell Check did not recognize Josef Fritzl. Spell-check is one luck SOB.

Full article: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/family/pkgfathersday/slideshow1_ss_giftsfather_sandra/13

Night at the Holocaust Museum

Unless you've barricaded yourself in an Applebees men's room until the studio executives who cancelled Samantha Who? reverse their decision, you've probably heard about the shooting that took place at the Holocaust Museum yesterday. Apparently, Stephen Tyrone Johns, a security guard at the museum, opened the door for what he thought was an elderly patron. That patron, an 88-year-old Neo-Nazi (or original "classic" Nazi, actually), summarily shot and killed the security guard.

Words that spring to mind include the following: "sad," "senseless," "alternate ending to Disney- Pixar's Up."

But hero?

According to an article on CNN.com, D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty and other top officials are labeling Johns a "hero."

"A six-year veteran of the museum's security staff, Johns "died heroically in the line of duty," said Sara Bloomfield, director of the museum."

I have someone who can refute that statement: a dictionary.

According to Webster's, a hero is:

1. "A person who has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal:

ex. He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child."

also:

2. "A sandwich."

I'm going to assume D.C. officials are referring to Webster's second definition as Johns performed in a manner more consistent with a sandwich.

The guard opened the door and was shot by an old guy. How is that heroic? He didn't choose to take a bullet to save people; he just happened to be there -- he was a victim. By that logic, I've made heroes out of all the 10-year-olds I punch in the crotch at supermarkets.

As it turns out, this tragic event has inspired the governor's office to offer commendations to other "heroes."  Here's the Mayor's list:

1. Andrea Stone - 36-year-old Kentucky woman who heeded the call for justice when she tripped over a crack in the stairwell and tumbled three stories below.

2. Huggles - D.C. kitten that heroically darted out into rush-hour traffic despite protestations from onlookers.

3. Mark E. Feinsturg -- Connecticut man who bravely distracted evil lightning by allowing himself to be struck by it.

If there is a lesson in all this it's this: don't help old people.

How to Say No

Comedians and doctors can (and often) spend hours lecturing people about the differences between men and women. In a recent Internet search, I happened upon what can be classified as not really a difference between men and women, but a similarity between certain types of men and women and fully functioning robotic dogs: they can't say no.

Luckily, Oprah.com has posted an article which provides people with the tools necessary to stand up for themselves. Here's a sample:

How To Say No To…...

"You wouldn't mind ________, would you?"

1 "Actually, I would."


..."You know what I mean?"

2 "Actually, I don't."


...unsolicited advice:

3 "There's an idea!"


...someone you've said yes to in the past:

4 "Yes! (as in, yes to your gut feeling that the right answer is no): "I know I've agreed to ________ in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."


Some other "techniques" for saying no the author forgot to mention include the following:

• giving a thumbs down
• flatulence
• kicking someone in the ribs (not limited to the questioner; it could be a random passerby or baby)
• All of the above
  

For example:

Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials?"

You: "There's an idea!" (Then, kick him in the ribs.)

How people survived before this advice is a testament to their will and character. In an attempt to reach across the aisle (to robotic dogs, not weaklings), I've decided to apply some of the "techniques" to my everyday life.

Situation # 1

"You wouldn't mind removing your foot from my chest, would you?"

"Actually, I would, your Honor."


Situation # 2

"Hey, you should probably not hang from/make a lasso out of those live electrical wires!"

"There's an idea."

Situation # 3

"Where's your condom?"

"I know I've agreed to wear a condom in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."

The article then proffers advice on how to "not take no for an answer" that lead to imagined confrontations that can, according to authorities, be used as a legitimate reason for suicide.

Can someone please forward this article to the studio heads who renew According to Jim?

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200807_omag_no_anytime

Dios Mia

People are profoundly disturbed. According to television shows and movies, "flawed" characters overcome their fears by succumbing to love or kicking fat guys in the crotch -- it depends on the show. In real life, though, love (or crotch-kicking) doesn't really hold a candle to everyone's baggage. It's pretty depressing. I guess that's why God created Howie Do It.

In the latest Depressing Story About an Old Person, Mia Farrow has staged a hunger strike to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. One could also argue that she is drumming up awareness for Mia Farrow, the actress who hasn't been in a decent movie or newspaper in fifteen years.

I think Farrow is off the mark: people are aware of the problem; it's more likely that they prefer to follow Ashton Kutcher's Twitter battle with CNN than deal with dead women and children. But it's nice of Farrow to think that losing ten pounds over three weeks will scare America straight. As we all know, Americans don't mind genocide, but they will not risk putting Mia Farrow in an uncomfortable position.

It's a nice, if narcissistic thought, Mia. Here's a better way to capture people's attention: make a movie that doesn't suck.*

*Woody Allen movies not included; they were good.

**As of Free Pants press time, Farrow's hunger strike has ended. The genocide continues. Thanks for failing me again, Mia.

Stand-Up: Why Women will destory the world

Like Father, Like Son

In "touching father, son news," last week Tony Gwynn called his son to inform him of his trade to the Padres, the club at which Gwynn senior played for nearly twenty years. According to yahoonews.com, there was a moment of tenderness, followed by excitement.

Unreported by yahoonews.com is another phone call placed by Pete Rose to his son, Pete Rose, Jr. at about the same time. Luckily, Free Pants has the transcript of this call:

Pete Rose, Jr: Hello?

Pete Rose: Hi, it's Dad. I have news. The Chattanooga Lookouts are looking for a new janitor.

Pete Rose, Jr: Wow! That's great news! So I would work under you?

Pete Rose: Yes.

On Tacit Disapproval

Last week, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi took a break from running naked in my nightmares to publicly deny any complicity in torture used by the government against so-called "enemy combatants."

According to Pelosi:

""We were not -- I repeat -- were not told that waterboarding or any of these other enhanced interrogation methods were used. What they did tell us is that they had . . . the Office of Legal Counsel opinions [and] that they could be used, but not that they would," she said.

Congressman and former Bush administration officials have reported that Pelosi received the briefings and was aware of the torture techniques employed by the military.  Despite these reports, Pelosi insists that she was "lied to" and feels "duped.  In fact, now she is launching a formal investigation. 

Free Pants agrees with the Speaker and spent the day holding her hand and supplying her with tissues while she read a laundry list of other ways in which she felt "duped" or "lied to" by people outside of Washington.  

Free Pants declassified it for you; here it is:

1. The existence of Santa Claus.  

"TV shows, Christmas carols, Macy's and my parents would insist on his existence.  I've sent them all summons... even my parents.  Death is no excuse not to show up in court."

2. Old Meineke tagline, "You're not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."  

"In reality, I paid quite a lot for that muffler.  And they painted my car a disgusting color.  You are going to pay a lot for lying to Pelosi, Meineke."

3. X-Ray specs in the back of Archie comic books did not provide x-ray vision

"I don't need X-Ray specs to see through your corrupt and soulless business practices.  "See" you in court."

4. Saw Get Smart.  Despite critic Jeffrey Lyons' claim,  it did not seem like "the funniest family movie in years!"

"Space Chimps is the funniest family movie in recent history.  Everyone knows that.  Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Lyons."

6. The dissolution of Sean Penn's and Robin Wright Penn's marriage.

"They seemed so happy; I cried for days.  How could they keep their problems from me?"

7. Drank Red Bull.  Did not grow wings.

"You can't fly away from my subpoenas, Red Bull."

A Robot By Any Other Name Would Still Eviscerate You

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090521/sc_livescience/realsoldierslovetheirrobotbrethren

Yesterday, I reported on the CNN.com article in which the author announced -- with a nonchalance that left me (and humanity, one hopes) staring at the screen with incredulity -- that WWI vets frequently kissed each other in the trenches. Today, I found another article destined to hang in our future Robot Master's office (adjacent to human heads) shortly after humanity's demise.

Apparently, soldiers are falling in love with their robot brethren.

"One of the psychologically interesting things is that these systems aren't designed to promote intimacy, and yet we're seeing these bonds being built with them," said Peter Singer, a leading defense analyst at the Brookings Institution."

"One EOD soldier brought in a robot for repairs with tears in his eyes and asked the repair shop if it could put "Scooby-Doo" back together. Despite being assured that he would get a new robot, the soldier remained inconsolable. He only wanted Scooby-Doo."

This is disconcerting to me and thousands of dateless women who wonder why men can feel more affection for the short circuit robot than them. I can see the articles in O magazine now:
"How to Tell If He's Having An Emotional Affair With His Robot!"

Why is this allowed to happen? Have scientists not seen the Terminator movies?

"The United States military sees robots as tireless warriors capable of striking fear into enemies, and is not shy about finding inspiration from Terminator. One scientist said he was trying to build the Hunter-Killer drone from 'Terminator,'" Singer told LiveScience."

Apparently, a better question is this one: have scientists seen the end of the Terminator movies?

Let me allay your fears. Scientists and the robots' army spouses have a reward system in place to keep the robots satisfied with their roles. The system? Promotions!

"...several teams have given their robots promotions, Purple Heart awards for being wounded in combat, and even a military funeral."

I can only imagine the profound sadness felt by someone passed up for a promotion for a Roomba. And I believe that awarding a Purple Heart, the highest honor the military can bestow upon an individual for bravery, to a giant tank undermines the value of the award. Why stop there? Give it to dogs, recycle bins, and Gallagher's audience members.

And finally: what does one say at a robot funeral?

"I remember when my robot killed everyone in the classroom -- their white flags couldn''t save them from disembowelment.  Then, we kissed."

Still more:

"When Singer asked one U.S. Air Force officer about how he envisioned the psychological impact of the drones on the enemy, the officer compared the Taliban and Al Qaeda militants to the human resistance fighters in the "Terminator" movies - hiding in their bunkers and caves from the technological onslaught."

So, in the government's mind we're the terminators? After a stream of questions from reporters, the officer clarified his position by saying that just like in Schindler's List, we were the Nazis and the Taliban were the weak, malnourished Holocaust detainees, and that America would be like the rapist bikers in the Accused; the taliban would be like Jodie Foster.

On the bright side, though, robots are all about reducing their carbon footprint.

"Singer attended one presentation on the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) - a long-range robot that refuels itself on "grass, broken wood, furniture, dead bodies," according to a list reeled off by one scientist."

Finally, Bea Arthur can be of use.

Terrifying War Facts

In my endless quest for online fodder, I happened upon one of the most alarming war facts of all time. According to an article published on CNN.com about important historical kisses (yes, the link is at the bottom), World War I soldiers made out with each other like horny teens in a drive-in.

"In 1927, two soldiers kissed tenderly in the silent movie "Wings", which won Best Picture at the first Academy Awards. When the film was released, no one raised an eyebrow about the scene, partially because kissing(!!!*) in the trenches was remarkably common during World War I.

According to British Academy Postdoctoral Fellow Dr. Santanu Das, letters and accounts of the war are peppered with stories of soldiers kissing, embracing, and giving each other pet names like 'my Palestine Wife.'"

I'm not much of an exclamation point man, but soldiers making out in the trenches deserves them after every word.

Good Lord. No wonder WWI vets were tight-lipped about their experiences.

The article lumbers on about other historical kisses (Jesus and Judas, Moses and Larry King) but fails to mention the historical dry humping sessions of Hitler and Chamberlain.

Come on, CNN. You can do better.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/05/20/mf.ten.important.kisses/index.html

*Exclamation points added by God's request

What Guys Really Want

After intelligence, sense of humor and sex appeal, I think humility is one of my best qualities.  Despite this, though, I have decided to venture outside of my comfort zone to correct the missteps of yahoo.com/personals writer and virgin Ron Dodge.  

In his article entitled 5 Easy Ways To Make Men Smile, Dodge lists the things that might make a 13 year-old girl happy like "arm-touching."  

Luckily for men everywhere, Free Pants has already submitted his tracked version (with comments) to the editors.  I've pasted it below.  You're welcome.

#1: Touch His Arm  (Penis)

There are a lot of ways to subtly let a guy know you're into him, like maintaining eye contact, playing with your hair, and smiling a lot. But the only one that sends shivers down my spine is when a girl touches my arm (penis) during conversation. It always surprises me, and it's always great.

#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday (About Touching His Penis)

OK, this might not be free depending on your cell phone plan, but it's still a great value. Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note from someone special, and unless his job is super-intense he'll have plenty of time to daydream about you. (Guys like text messages about their genitals.)

#3: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment (About His Penis)

Telling a guy he's funny or smart is always appreciated, but the really meaningful compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him. Something like "I love the way your face (penis) scrunches up when you're doing the crossword puzzle (me)."

#4: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote (About His Penis) After Your First Date -- or Write One Now(… Then Touch His Penis)

One of the best things about having a girlfriend is reminiscing about what you thought about each other (his penis) in the beginning of your relationship.

#5: Present Him With A Photo of You And Him (His Penis)

Guys need something to distract them from their annoying co-workers in the office.  What better way to keep his mind focused on your relationship than to have a framed photo of you and him (his penis)?  It’s something he can look to in difficult times or when he’s in need of reminiscing.

Full article is here: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24293/dating-tips-5-easy-ways-to-make-men-smile

Yeah, I haven't written in over a month and this is my first post back.  Deal with it.

Swine Author -- My Hate is Alive and Well

There must be something universal about our desire to unlock the mysteries of romantic love. How else can one explain the success of Alex Greven, the 10-year old author who found fame and fortune with his best selling book How to Talk to Girls?

If swine flu has erased your memory, Greven pieced together a self-help book that proffered gems such as "Be nice!" and "be careful of pretty girls; they're mean!"

To be fair, that's pretty good advice -- women are fickle and can often drive men to believe that a 10-year old who whacks off in his pants has all the answers.


Still, the media's love for someone whose lack of experience somehow qualifies him as an expert leads to what people sitting next to me at church/bus stops have dubbed, "Nonstop swearing and crotch punching."

Naturally, Greven has set his sights on repairing the often tentative, complicated father/son dynamic with his new book How to Talk to Dads. Here's an example of some of his advice:

Dads like to play video games!
Dads are 80% more likely to say yes than moms!
Dads like respectful and quiet kids!

Thanks, Alex. Groundbreaking stuff. I've gotten better advice from homeless guys and dogs.

I'm a patient man -- I say excuse me when pushing slow walkers out of my way on the street and I never roll my eyes at waiters when they're presenting their "specials," but watching interviews with this kid where he is not met with ridicule or shoved into feces has pushed me over the edge.

Who is this book for? If my son ever gave me this book, I would force him to live in the shed.

I'm not sure this is universal advice, either. I'd love to see Greven use this on Josef Fritzl, the Austrian guy who raped his own kids.

"Dad, can I leave the basement?"
"No! I'm going to rape your sister again!"
"Oh Dad, sounds like you need to play some more Mario Cart!"

It turns out the book works. My dad and I both want to kick the crap out of this kid.

Here Comes the Crap

In "Oh good" news, George Harrison finally received his Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today.  The star was purchased by Capitol Records as a way to honor the former Beatle's unparalleled contribution to movies and television and to promote an upcoming "greatest hits" compilation of his solo career.  Rumored tracks include My Sweet Lord and other, alternate versions of My Sweet Lord.

Harrison's wife, son, and new beau Tom Hanks were present at the ceremony.  In what can only be described as the most dubious words ever spoken about a spouse, Olivia Harrison said the following:

"We all have such deep feelings for George because he was such a deep-feeling person... he was funny as the day is long and jut as perplexing."

Find out more insightful quotes like the ones above in her new spoken word CD: I'm a Moron!     

We can only hope that Somali pirates will try to steal this thing.  The Star on the Walk of Fame; not Olivia Harrison's new CD, smartass.

A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Redacted Words

Excerpt from Abu Ghraib Now A Humane Prison, Iraqi Officials Say, published 2/22/09 on CNN.com (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/02/22/iraq.abughraib/index.html):

"Abu Ghraib has reopened under Iraqi government control. And the Ministry of Justice has launched a public-relations campaign to show it has changed since the days when prisoners were tortured there. It is now called Baghdad Central Prison, and has water fountains, a freshly planted garden and a gym -- complete with weights and sports teams’ jerseys on the walls.

According to Murtada Sharif, a Ministry of Justice official, 'We want to change its image, to make it a place of justice.'"


TRIP ADVISOR

Baghdad Central Prison (Formerly Abu Ghraib)

Map It! Amenities Virtual Tour

Property Type: Prison

Visitor Reviews:
1-7 of 20,000

“LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE!”

Ahmed R.
“Stayed here in 2003 and now I'm back again after being denied a lawyer :( Much better atmosphere, imho. Piped in muzac to drown out the screams of fellow prisoners is a nice touch! Staff much friendlier -- actually smile!! while jabbing you in the ribs with rifles/other prisoners! Would recommend to friends/relatives had they not already been killed in 2003.”

10,576 prisoners found this review helpful.

“PRETTY GOOD!!”

Anon
“I'd love the new water fountains if I weren't so terrified of water (after being waterboarded for four years).”

120 prisoners found this review helpful.


“EXCELLENT!”

Mrs. Al-Sheik
“I love the BCP! A while back my husband, Ameen Saeed Al-Sheik, was quoted in the American media and Pentagon reports saying that American soldiers stripped him naked and raped him. Yikes! After they posed him in "shameful" positions, he claims the following exchange took place:

"'Are you married?' I said, 'Yes.' They said, 'If your wife saw you like this, she will be disappointed.'"

Well, after seeing the state-of-the-art weight room AND garden, I'm telling everyone I will NOT be disappointed. BCP rules! (My husband's kind of a drama queen. LOL!)”

978 prisoners found this review helpful.


“UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!!”

B. T.
“Have to admit, I was nervous after I was taken from my home in the middle of the night and sent to the BCP -- I'd heard all of the stories about Abu Ghraib just as you have. But let me tell you something: the rooms are spacious (especially when 7 or 10 roommates are removed for daily beatings). Plus, they let you wear your favorite jersey while performing degrading and sacrilegious acts! Nope, America, that’s not Donovan McNabb performing [redacted], it’s me, B. T!”

5,940 prisoners found this review helpful.


“Great Stay”

bigboi
“I was a translator for the FBI and then was labeled a terrorist without the burden of a long, boring trial so they (naturally) didn't have my room ready. But I was amazed at how quickly they accommodated me. Full amenities include:

• working fire extinguishers (they're not just filled with those gag “peanut brittle” snakes anymore!)
• on-site dark room for staff to develop and post photos within 24 hours
• phone that rings the front office for in-room torture
• Engraved ball-point pen for signing confessions under duress
• automatic extended, "super-late" check-out w/ suspension of habeas corpus
• noose for convenient self-hanging
• Working sink to "wash the American blood off our hands," with placard above containing the full quote from James Inhofe (Senate Armed Services Committee)
• access to FOX NEWS which helps us to realize the necessity for our being here.”

1,907 prisoners found this review helpful.

“Perfect for reconnecting!”

Ms. S
“My husband and I were traveling to Saudi Arabia when we were pulled from the plane and sent to the BCP. Def recommend the romance package -- continental breakfast every month (served on the floor -- no messy cleanup!!) and staff poses us in "sexy" positions while taking photographs. Has lowered our inhibitions!“

786 prisoners found this review helpful.

“Disgrace!”

Donald R.
“There was a time when you could ask staff members to pull the guests around by their private parts and they'd not only do it, but they'd laugh with you and take photos. Now, you can still do it, but the joy is gone.”

0 prisoners found this review helpful.