Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Ed McMahon -- Best Couch Potato Ever
For those of you not familiar, Ed McMahon wasn't a particularly funny or talented man, but he did know how to introduce you to one. Each night on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, McMahon would sit (in so many different ways!) next to Johnny and cackle at Carson's jokes just like my Uncle Frank after he'd drink a box of wine and toss rats into babies' diapers.
Not long ago -- if you can remember a time before Jon & Kate plus 8 -- McMahon was derided by the media and Hollywood for squandering his fortune and letting his mansion belly flop into foreclosure. But now that the guy is dead, he's suddenly the most beloved sack of crap.
He's been given the dubious honor of being called the "human laugh track." This is a man who served honorably as a fighter pilot in World War II and Korea. This is how he's remembered?
I heard someone say that he's sure Ed McMahon is sitting next to God and laughing at everything He says. First of all, I'm not sure Ed McMahon should be laughing when God tells people to murder abortion doctors or floods entire cities. Second, I'm pretty sure after five seconds in Heaven, God will turn to Ed and say, "Please shut the f--- up."
Hey-O!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Hyperbole Buster -- Song Edition
In an effort to stymie its use, I've contacted experts in various fields to refute the hyperbole used so frequently in popular rock songs. Once you realize the error of your ways, you will thank the Pants for giving you the best gift ever created.
# 1. Excerpt from You Saved the Best For Last by Vanessa Williams
Rebuttal from:

NASA Astronomer Stan Odenfeld:
"The Moon orbits the Earth and the Earth revolves around the sun. The closest point at which this could occur would be during a lunar eclipse which is an anomaly of sorts. Still, the notion of the sun "going 'round" the moon is preposterous. I played this lyric for my son with down syndrome and he laughed and said even he thought Vanessa Williams was retarded."
# 2. Excerpt from We Built This City (on Rock and Roll) by Starship
"We built this city on rock and roll."
Rebuttal from:

Chief Engineer and City Planner Bob Strenfield
"Typically, cities comprise 10,000 inhabitants. When building a city, one needs the following: 19 tons of wet cement, 4.5 tons of steels, three to four separate construction crews comprising 20- 30 highly skilled workers, a clear plan for sanitation, plumbing, electrical, cable, and water pipes/cables. You also need approval from the state and local governments. A city built solely on Rock and Roll would not be able to adequately provide for its inhabitants. A statement like that is not only erroneous, but dangerous.
# 3. Excerpt from What's Love (Got to Do With It)? By Tina Turner
"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
Rebuttal from:

Dr. Stephen Weisfeldt, Chief Cardiologist, Mayo Clinic
"You need a heart to live."
Friday, June 19, 2009
"Heartfelt" Father's Day Gifts
Apparently, fathers were seen as beacons of wisdom; lighthouses that provided guidance to spouses and children who had lost their way. This is strange as current sitcoms and commercials portray fathers as functionally retarded. They're always tubby, bald and twisted up in Christmas lights (even though the commercial is for Oat Bran). Then, the wife/child/animated dog will arrive with wisdom for everyone.
I take umbrage with this trend. Perhaps Dad can't focus on doing the family taxes because he was busy paying the mortgage. And maybe Dad can't get to the gym because he's stress eats thinking about your non-stop bed wetting.
Regardless, it's Father's Day and the monsters at Oprah.com have provided a list of "great" gifts for dad. Dear Reader, these gifts would inspire incredulity, if not non-stop suicides. Pointing out the flaws in these gift ideas is my gift to dads (and homicide detectives) everywhere. Except for mine -- he's getting a subscription to Playboy.
From Oprah.com:
# 11 Dad Club
"Sign him up for a book club for a year. He will get a new book every month. He can pass the book to you after he is done, and you can meet for lunch to talk about the book (and everything else)."
Free Pants' Take: If there's something worse than reading or talking with your kid, it's talking with your kid about reading (and why you blew their college fund at the track).
Free Pants' Suggestion: Leave the family and live at the local library. Each month, meet with Dad to discuss books (and how you wrestled sandwiches away from hobos -- if there's time). He'll be sure to thank you for lessening his burdens.
# 8 IM your Dad
"Use your computer or Palm Pilot to send dad instant messages over the Internet. Just nice things like "You're the greatest," "I love you" and "Thank you for all you do." These little gems may take an instant, but their meaning will last a long time in his heart."
Free Pants' Take: First of all, your dad's inbox is already clogged with messages from creditors and perhaps his mistress. Secondly, your dad is at work (or strip clubs or Canada) in an effort to get away from you. Why remind him of the little guy who eats his food and can't throw a baseball? Leave him alone. Thirdly, how about getting off your fat ass and doing something? Jesus, Tubby.
Free Pants' Suggestion: If you choose to send him a text, make sure it's one that he'll love like: "Dad! I don't want an allowance!" or "Dad! I've decided to move out and live in the ocean!"
# 5 Little Bits of Love
"Spend a day on the golf course with your dad if he likes to golf. Paint or glue little slips of paper with the words "I Love You," "You're the Greatest" or "Best Dad" on a set of golf balls as a gift (or tennis balls if that's his game).If he's not into sports, you can still surprise him by leaving these "little pieces of love" all over the place—in the car, the dresser drawer, on his toothbrush, in his briefcase, in his shoe and so on. He will have such a laugh discovering them throughout the day."
Free Pants' Take: Good Lord. This suggestion also applies to the related Oprah.com article How to Ensure His Buddies Will Call Him Gay. I'm pretty sure these will convince him that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level which is only cool if you're Josef Fritzl.
Free Pants' Suggestion: Tattoo "I love you!" on your groin and let Dad practice his kick-boxing/crowbar-swinging on you.
# 2 The Gift of Time
"Spend time with your father. Type up an itinerary of the day's events for him to follow and tie a big bow on it!"
Free Pants' Take: Look: dad spends a lot of his free time watching you fail at sports or dance around like a moron at dance recitals. The last thing he wants to do is spend time with you. You have nothing to offer! This isn't a Disney movie where you enrich his life; you have slowly sucked out his soul with your Baby Einstein-watching, Jonas brothers-Listening, and Vaccine-Wasting ways.
Free Pants' Suggestion: Pin a note to your shirt that reads, "I love you." Then, hop into an abandoned fridge. Close door.
Note: Spell Check did not recognize Josef Fritzl. Spell-check is one luck SOB.
Full article: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/family/pkgfathersday/slideshow1_ss_giftsfather_sandra/13
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Night at the Holocaust Museum
Thursday, June 4, 2009
How to Say No
Luckily, Oprah.com has posted an article which provides people with the tools necessary to stand up for themselves. Here's a sample:
How To Say No To…...
"You wouldn't mind ________, would you?"
1 "Actually, I would."
..."You know what I mean?"
2 "Actually, I don't."
...unsolicited advice:
3 "There's an idea!"
...someone you've said yes to in the past:
4 "Yes! (as in, yes to your gut feeling that the right answer is no): "I know I've agreed to ________ in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."
Some other "techniques" for saying no the author forgot to mention include the following:
- giving a thumbs down
- flatulence
- kicking someone in the ribs (not limited to the questioner; it could be a random passerby or baby)
- All of the above
For example:
Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials?"You: "There's an idea!" (Then, kick him in the ribs.)
How people survived before this advice is a testament to their will and character. In an attempt to reach across the aisle (to robotic dogs, not weaklings), I've decided to apply some of the "techniques" to my everyday life.
Situation # 1
"You wouldn't mind removing your foot from my chest, would you?"
"Actually, I would, your Honor."
Situation # 2
"Hey, you should probably not hang from/make a lasso out of those live electrical wires!"
"There's an idea."
Situation # 3
"Where's your condom?"
"I know I've agreed to wear a condom in the past, but it only made me feel anxious/uncomfortable/overwhelmed. That's why it's important for me to now say no."
The article then proffers advice on how to "not take no for an answer" that lead to imagined confrontations that can, according to authorities, be used as a legitimate reason for suicide.
Can someone please forward this article to the studio heads who renew According to Jim?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Dios Mia
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Like Father, Like Son
Saturday, May 23, 2009
On Tacit Disapproval
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A Robot By Any Other Name Would Still Eviscerate You
Apparently, soldiers are falling in love with their robot brethren.
"One of the psychologically interesting things is that these systems aren't designed to promote intimacy, and yet we're seeing these bonds being built with them," said Peter Singer, a leading defense analyst at the Brookings Institution."
"One EOD soldier brought in a robot for repairs with tears in his eyes and asked the repair shop if it could put "Scooby-Doo" back together. Despite being assured that he would get a new robot, the soldier remained inconsolable. He only wanted Scooby-Doo."
This is disconcerting to me and thousands of dateless women who wonder why men can feel more affection for the short circuit robot than them. I can see the articles in O magazine now:
"How to Tell If He's Having An Emotional Affair With His Robot!"
Why is this allowed to happen? Have scientists not seen the Terminator movies?
"The United States military sees robots as tireless warriors capable of striking fear into enemies, and is not shy about finding inspiration from Terminator. One scientist said he was trying to build the Hunter-Killer drone from 'Terminator,'" Singer told LiveScience."
Apparently, a better question is this one: have scientists seen the end of the Terminator movies?
Let me allay your fears. Scientists and the robots' army spouses have a reward system in place to keep the robots satisfied with their roles. The system? Promotions!
"...several teams have given their robots promotions, Purple Heart awards for being wounded in combat, and even a military funeral."
I can only imagine the profound sadness felt by someone passed up for a promotion for a Roomba. And I believe that awarding a Purple Heart, the highest honor the military can bestow upon an individual for bravery, to a giant tank undermines the value of the award. Why stop there? Give it to dogs, recycle bins, and Gallagher's audience members.
And finally: what does one say at a robot funeral?
"I remember when my robot killed everyone in the classroom -- their white flags couldn''t save them from disembowelment. Then, we kissed."
Still more:
"When Singer asked one U.S. Air Force officer about how he envisioned the psychological impact of the drones on the enemy, the officer compared the Taliban and Al Qaeda militants to the human resistance fighters in the "Terminator" movies - hiding in their bunkers and caves from the technological onslaught."
So, in the government's mind we're the terminators? After a stream of questions from reporters, the officer clarified his position by saying that just like in Schindler's List, we were the Nazis and the Taliban were the weak, malnourished Holocaust detainees, and that America would be like the rapist bikers in the Accused; the taliban would be like Jodie Foster.
On the bright side, though, robots are all about reducing their carbon footprint.
"Singer attended one presentation on the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) - a long-range robot that refuels itself on "grass, broken wood, furniture, dead bodies," according to a list reeled off by one scientist."
Finally, Bea Arthur can be of use.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Terrifying War Facts
"In 1927, two soldiers kissed tenderly in the silent movie "Wings", which won Best Picture at the first Academy Awards. When the film was released, no one raised an eyebrow about the scene, partially because kissing(!!!*) in the trenches was remarkably common during World War I.
According to British Academy Postdoctoral Fellow Dr. Santanu Das, letters and accounts of the war are peppered with stories of soldiers kissing, embracing, and giving each other pet names like 'my Palestine Wife.'"
I'm not much of an exclamation point man, but soldiers making out in the trenches deserves them after every word.
Good Lord. No wonder WWI vets were tight-lipped about their experiences.
The article lumbers on about other historical kisses (Jesus and Judas, Moses and Larry King) but fails to mention the historical dry humping sessions of Hitler and Chamberlain.
Come on, CNN. You can do better.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/05/20/mf.ten.important.kisses/index.html
*Exclamation points added by God's request
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
What Guys Really Want
#1: Touch His Arm (Penis)
There are a lot of ways to subtly let a guy know you're into him, like maintaining eye contact, playing with your hair, and smiling a lot. But the only one that sends shivers down my spine is when a girl touches my arm (penis) during conversation. It always surprises me, and it's always great.
#2: Send Him a Random Text Message in Midday (About Touching His Penis)
OK, this might not be free depending on your cell phone plan, but it's still a great value. Nothing breaks the monotony of a long workday like a flirty note from someone special, and unless his job is super-intense he'll have plenty of time to daydream about you. (Guys like text messages about their genitals.)
#3: Give Him a Very Specific Compliment (About His Penis)
Telling a guy he's funny or smart is always appreciated, but the really meaningful compliments are the ones that reveal how well you know him. Something like "I love the way your face (penis) scrunches up when you're doing the crossword puzzle (me)."
#4: Send Him the Diary Entry You Wrote (About His Penis) After Your First Date -- or Write One Now(… Then Touch His Penis)
One of the best things about having a girlfriend is reminiscing about what you thought about each other (his penis) in the beginning of your relationship.
#5: Present Him With A Photo of You And Him (His Penis)
Guys need something to distract them from their annoying co-workers in the office. What better way to keep his mind focused on your relationship than to have a framed photo of you and him (his penis)? It’s something he can look to in difficult times or when he’s in need of reminiscing.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Swine Author -- My Hate is Alive and Well
If swine flu has erased your memory, Greven pieced together a self-help book that proffered gems such as "Be nice!" and "be careful of pretty girls; they're mean!"
To be fair, that's pretty good advice -- women are fickle and can often drive men to believe that a 10-year old who whacks off in his pants has all the answers.
Still, the media's love for someone whose lack of experience somehow qualifies him as an expert leads to what people sitting next to me at church/bus stops have dubbed, "Nonstop swearing and crotch punching."
Naturally, Greven has set his sights on repairing the often tentative, complicated father/son dynamic with his new book How to Talk to Dads. Here's an example of some of his advice:
Dads like to play video games!
Dads are 80% more likely to say yes than moms!
Dads like respectful and quiet kids!
Thanks, Alex. Groundbreaking stuff. I've gotten better advice from homeless guys and dogs.
I'm a patient man -- I say excuse me when pushing slow walkers out of my way on the street and I never roll my eyes at waiters when they're presenting their "specials," but watching interviews with this kid where he is not met with ridicule or shoved into feces has pushed me over the edge.
Who is this book for? If my son ever gave me this book, I would force him to live in the shed.
I'm not sure this is universal advice, either. I'd love to see Greven use this on Josef Fritzl, the Austrian guy who raped his own kids.
"Dad, can I leave the basement?"
"No! I'm going to rape your sister again!"
"Oh Dad, sounds like you need to play some more Mario Cart!"
It turns out the book works. My dad and I both want to kick the crap out of this kid.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Here Comes the Crap

Monday, April 13, 2009
A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Redacted Words
"Abu Ghraib has reopened under Iraqi government control. And the Ministry of Justice has launched a public-relations campaign to show it has changed since the days when prisoners were tortured there. It is now called Baghdad Central Prison, and has water fountains, a freshly planted garden and a gym -- complete with weights and sports teams’ jerseys on the walls.
According to Murtada Sharif, a Ministry of Justice official, 'We want to change its image, to make it a place of justice.'"
TRIP ADVISOR
Baghdad Central Prison (Formerly Abu Ghraib)
Map It! Amenities Virtual Tour
Property Type: Prison
Visitor Reviews:
1-7 of 20,000
“LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE!”
Ahmed R.
“Stayed here in 2003 and now I'm back again after being denied a lawyer :( Much better atmosphere, imho. Piped in muzac to drown out the screams of fellow prisoners is a nice touch! Staff much friendlier -- actually smile!! while jabbing you in the ribs with rifles/other prisoners! Would recommend to friends/relatives had they not already been killed in 2003.”
10,576 prisoners found this review helpful.
“PRETTY GOOD!!”
Anon
“I'd love the new water fountains if I weren't so terrified of water (after being waterboarded for four years).”
120 prisoners found this review helpful.
“EXCELLENT!”
Mrs. Al-Sheik
“I love the BCP! A while back my husband, Ameen Saeed Al-Sheik, was quoted in the American media and Pentagon reports saying that American soldiers stripped him naked and raped him. Yikes! After they posed him in "shameful" positions, he claims the following exchange took place:
"'Are you married?' I said, 'Yes.' They said, 'If your wife saw you like this, she will be disappointed.'"
Well, after seeing the state-of-the-art weight room AND garden, I'm telling everyone I will NOT be disappointed. BCP rules! (My husband's kind of a drama queen. LOL!)”
978 prisoners found this review helpful.
“UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!!”
B. T.
“Have to admit, I was nervous after I was taken from my home in the middle of the night and sent to the BCP -- I'd heard all of the stories about Abu Ghraib just as you have. But let me tell you something: the rooms are spacious (especially when 7 or 10 roommates are removed for daily beatings). Plus, they let you wear your favorite jersey while performing degrading and sacrilegious acts! Nope, America, that’s not Donovan McNabb performing [redacted], it’s me, B. T!”
5,940 prisoners found this review helpful.
“Great Stay”
bigboi
“I was a translator for the FBI and then was labeled a terrorist without the burden of a long, boring trial so they (naturally) didn't have my room ready. But I was amazed at how quickly they accommodated me. Full amenities include:
- working fire extinguishers (they're not just filled with those gag “peanut brittle” snakes anymore!)
- on-site dark room for staff to develop and post photos within 24 hours
- phone that rings the front office for in-room torture
- Engraved ball-point pen for signing confessions under duress
- automatic extended, "super-late" check-out w/ suspension of habeas corpus
- noose for convenient self-hanging
- Working sink to "wash the American blood off our hands," with placard above containing the full quote from James Inhofe (Senate Armed Services Committee)
- access to FOX NEWS which helps us to realize the necessity for our being here.”
1,907 prisoners found this review helpful.
“Perfect for reconnecting!”
Ms. S
“My husband and I were traveling to Saudi Arabia when we were pulled from the plane and sent to the BCP. Def recommend the romance package -- continental breakfast every month (served on the floor -- no messy cleanup!!) and staff poses us in "sexy" positions while taking photographs. Has lowered our inhibitions!“
786 prisoners found this review helpful.
“Disgrace!”
Donald R.
“There was a time when you could ask staff members to pull the guests around by their private parts and they'd not only do it, but they'd laugh with you and take photos. Now, you can still do it, but the joy is gone.”
0 prisoners found this review helpful.