Friday, April 21, 2017

Stamp Series

I love America -- its three branches of government promote balance and equality. Also, its currency is the basis for many installments of those delightful National Treasure movies. In another wise decision, the post office has decided to take a break from its endorsement deals exclusively with George Lucas to promote its special stamp series, which allows all advertisers to stick their hands in the pot.

Unlike most stamp series, which simply feature photos of famous people -- in an effort to appeal to those individuals who think their romantic overtures or requests for the bank to delay foreclosure will be met favorably by the fact that Louis Pasteur's or Roseanne Barr's face gazes upon them -- these stamps feature iconic photographs in which potentially offensive objects have been excised. For example, in the stamp above, Robert Johnson's cigarette has been removed from the photo.

There's more. Free Pants has just learned that the government is introducing yet another new stamp series which not only removes offensive material, but replaces those items with ad-based products, which will help drum up money for the failing institution. Free Pants received a free promotional copy. Enjoy, America.

# 1: Johnny Cash at Folsum Prison

1: Johnny Cash at Folsum Prison
Sponsored by: Red Sox Nation

# 2: Hindenburg Explosion

# 2: Hindenburg Explosion
Sponsored by: Jiffy Pop

# 3: Life magazine photograph: Sailor Kissing Stranger

# 3: Life Magazine photograph: Sailor Kissing Stranger
Sponsored by: Subway

Touchdown Jesus

It's been said that God is made of all of us. Turns out, he's also made of wood and Styrofoam. Of course, I'm referring to Touchdown Jesus, Ohio's massive sculpture of the Lord in which He is apparently taking a break from healing the sick to officiate a Cleveland Brown's game.

I'm not sure the moniker fits, though. It looks to me like he performing other actions like...

1. ...expressing frustration at misunderstandings between Mr. Furley and Jack on Three's Company

2. ...kicking a keg

3. ...carrying a dinner order to table # 34

4. ...performing a puppet show

6. ...lifting weights

7. ... cheerleading

8. ... re-enacting scene from Say Anything

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Recipe of Death

In between porn-watching sessions, I'll often browse for fodder. The living section, a favorite of mine, featured an article about murder mystery/cooking novels that were becoming popular

Apparently, the characters in the books would mull over murder cases while making a delicious ham. Sounds delightful, but this trend of food mystery novels is not new. In fact, I traced it back all the way to the pioneers of food/mystery novel. Below are examples from trailblazers of the genre. Don't read it on an empty stomach -- your mouth will water.

1. Hilter

2. David Berkowitz

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Fiction Vs. Reality: What if Top Gun Happened in Real Life?

Hello Pants stalkers/readers,

Here is another edition of fiction vs. reality published on Read it with your favorite fat kid.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Free Pants has been picked up by

Wondering how to fill time between the next episode of ABC's Pan Am? Check out my new column at Your court-appointed therapist will be glad you did.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

New Movie Reviews -- 8/24/11

Higher Ground -- -9,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from A chronicle of one women's lifelong struggle with her faith.

Free Pants' Take: I was raised to believe that people struggled with their faith privately so as to not interrupt my playing Nintendo Wii or robbing them. Unless God comes down from Heaven to settle the dispute on film (and banish Vera Farmiga to hell), I can't imagine how this can be construed as entertainment.

I mention Farmiga because this is her directorial debut -- something that everyone who saw her in the three movies she's appeared in has been clamoring for. In lieu of seeing this movie, Free Pants' suggests pushing an old women into a mailbox. She, too, will question her faith but you've just saved ten bucks. Use the money to buy yourself a Pizza Hut Pizzone -- all that pushing has made you hungry.

Unexpected Scene: After reaffirming her faith, Farmiga's character learns of a new pilot featuring Jim Belushi. She commits suicide certain that "there is no God"

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star -- N/A (Slacks burst into flames of rage)

Synopsis (from A kid from the Mid-West moves out to Hollywood to follow in his parents footsteps -- and become a porn star.

Free Pants' Take: I want you to gather the kids together, tie down the furniture (and dog), stock up some food, and hide in your cellar for protection until I tell you it's okay to re-emerge into society. Doctors cannot pinpoint the exact cause of clinical depression, but most agree it can be acquired during one screening of this film.

It stars Nick Swardson. You may know him as a comedy cleaner -- he shows up in various comedies to remove all comedy from the scene. He's so good that after the scene is over, you forget the scene was even supposed to elicit laughter.

The movie employs the use of gag teeth and hair but stops short of ventriloquism to crush the souls of the audience. I think perhaps the only value one can derive from this movie is the knowledge that anyone who purchases a ticket for it should be catapulted into space. Perhaps some AMC theaters can actually set this up.

Unexpected Scene: After watching a scene from Bucky Larson, Vera Farmiga's character is convinced there is no God, then she learns of Jim Belushi's new sitcom success and kills herself.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Zookeeper -- Movie Review

Zookeeper: rating -- Golden Slacks exploded into sadness

Synopsis (from A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper (Kevin James) find love -- without opting to leave his current job for something more illustrious. woman.

Free Pants' Take: When robots become self-aware and enslave us, they will point to this movie and Jim Belushi's long career as the reasons for our demise. My heart sank after reading this synopsis. The questions that arise from this premise lead to incredulity if not madness.

There are five (5) credited screenwriters for this movie and one imagines the sad conferences where teams of screenwriters argued for and against James' urinating into a potted plant to garner the affections of Leslie Bibb. I imagined breathless calls to loved ones during lunch breaks. (Or, perhaps it was one of the few immediately agreed upon gags.) The only thing missing is additional screenwriter and suicide inducer Nia Vardalos to add some hilarious texting gags between a sexy college student, Kevin James, and a flatulent salamander.

The movie fails as entertainment, but it does succeed as a mass homicide note.

Unexpected Scene: James takes the advice of Bambi the Black Widow (voiced by the luminous Jennifer Tilly) and beds, murders, and eats Leslie Bibb.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Larry Crowne Review

Larry Crowne -- -9 million out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from After losing his job, a middle-aged man reinvents himself by going back to college.

Free Pants' Take: I've read that one of the worst things in life is wasted talent. Not true. The worst thing in life is the movie Larry Crowne. I know. I just watched it. It is the brainchild of Nia Vardalos, who punished us with a never-ending sea of romantic comedies (and John Corbett), and its lack of human understanding and interaction makes it a study in insanity.

Here are the minutes from the screenplay conference where the script was written (in about 1/2 hour).

Producer: Hanks' character is broke, unemployed, and adrift in loneliness.

: Yes! But then he meets a gorgeous 20-something who befriends him, rearranges his home, his hair, and his priorities!

Producer: Why would she do this? He's twice her age and he's boring and unattractive.

Nia: Because!!!

Producer: So Hanks falls for her, right?

Nia: No!

Producer: Why not? Wouldn't a guy fall fall in love with a beautiful girl who paid so much attention to him?"

Nia: NO! Because!!!

Producer: Who is the bad guy?

Nia: No bad guy! Everyone is earnest, truthful and nice. Just like in life!

Producer: Shouldn't we try to make it funny?

Nia: It is funny. Like in one scene, Hanks' professor confiscates his cell phone! OMG, hilarious!

[producer shoots himself in the face]

Unexpected scene: In a twist ending, it's revealed that Hanks' wife left him because he beat her. After Roberts kisses Hanks in the closing scene, he hits her and sends her into the hospital.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Go to for more hilarity

This site has moved -- well, technically it's still here. But check out Free Pants will be there. So should you.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

On the Cat Walk... with your 10 Cats

______(pictured above: "Sexy" Senior; Fat broad)

Let's be honest: with the advent of the Internet, old people are no longer being used as a resource for their grandkids' book reports which reduces their role in the world to 1) saying hilariously off-color remarks in comedy movies and 2) walking slowly in front of everyone on the planet.  

This has been the arrangement worked out among me, the old people I stuff into toilets, and God.  Then, a video on sullied the whole deal.  Apparently, a woman has started a fashion show for "sexy seniors" in which old people -- 77-86 years old -- strut their stuff on a catwalk that is apparently made from toilet paper (see photo above).  

There's a utility in that: if the old person passes, the organizers can simply wrap them up in the catwalk paper and toss them into the morgue.

Free Pants thinks this is a capital idea and has received still photos of the event that have not been broadcast.  Take a look. 

# 1. "Sexy Senior" Emma

Wearing: sexy blouse, black skirt
Perfect Outfit For:
1. Yelling at the voice on the GPS navigation system, toasters
2. Wandering aimlessly in grocery stores during bouts of dementia
3. Falling down for no reason

# 2.  "Sexy Senior" Angela

Wearing: See-through Hospital Nightie
Accessories: earrings, dialysis machine
Perfect outfit for

1. A late-night rendezvous with the toilet after too many Jell-O desserts
2. Formal appointments with lawyers (for will signings) and doctors (to find out how much time you have left to live) and morticians

# 2. "Sexy Senior" Walter

Wearing: Beautiful Navy Blue Suit (inside of coffin)

Perfect outfit for: Cremation

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Hereafter - 6 out of 7 Golden Slacks - A Real Review

I've always been attracted to strong women. In my early 20s, I dated a girl who dragged me to movies and, afterwards, engaged me in fierce debates about the meaning of them. No matter how heated the discussions became, she would always diffuse the situation by kissing me just above my left eyebrow -- a secret move she discovered that always weakened my defenses -- and saying, "I'm right. You'll see."

Long after we had broken up, I heard that she suffered a brain aneurysm and died almost instantly. Even though I was (and still am) agnostic, I'll sometimes think of her and still want to believe that she is out there, somewhere, remembering me. Remembering. That's the underlying theme of Clint Eastwood's new film Hereafter.

The movie invites us into the lives of three people who will eventually, through a series of coincidences, connect. The details of the three characters' lives are immaterial; they're tied together through death: a kid loses his twin brother, a French reporter suffers a near-death experience, and a man shoulders the burden of apparently being able to connect with the dead.

Most of the reviews state that the questions central to the film -- is there an afterlife, what happens when we die -- are left unanswered or explored and thus, the movie is a failure. But they're off the mark. The movie isn't about the afterlife; it's about how, despite our intellectual reasoning, love requires the living to hope for the existence of one. Whether our parents pass or our spouses leave or our children outgrow us, we grieve for ourselves -- who else will remember and understand?

The movie gets it right. This is a slow, meditative film that shows us people who struggle to exist in a world that does not understand their pain and explores the tentative, delicate connections they form with others who do understand.

The film is populated with people stranded in varying stages of grief, but we're meant to access the film, I think, through the boy who, after losing his brother, embarks on a journey to find out what happens when we die. The French reporter and the psychic who endure tragedies are equipped with adult coping mechanisms and use their intelligence, their power or their wealth to hide from the truths that lay buried in their subconscious. The kid, however, is naked in his pain and in his need to speak with his deceased brother.

He eventually meets up with the psychic (Matt Damon) and there is a scene that summarizes the theme of the entire film. During the reading, the kid is searching for answers, for peace, and Damon's character relays a message that's either communicated by the dead brother or by Damon's character, out of kindness. The point is: it doesn't matter. The boy just needs to know he is not alone, even if it's not true.

That's all any of us wants -- to hope there's another side where they remember us, our secret moments, and where she is waiting to kiss me on the left eyebrow and tell me she was right.

Note: This received a 50% rating on Rottentomatoes. That's what you guys gave G-Force, the animated movie starring Tracy Morgan about farting gerbils. If there is an afterlife, you're not going there.

Monday, October 18, 2010

New Movie Reviews - 10/15/10

Jackass 3-D: 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Plot Synopsis(from (none)

Free Pants' Take: When the staff at cannot publish a plot synopsis for a movie it means one of two things: either the movie is so beautiful, it transcends language or the movie is Jackass 3-D, a film that has the honor of falling under the umbrella of IMDB keyword category "Covered in Feces."

I spent a good chunk of time pondering the need for such a category -- what sort of person searches for movies based on its inclusion of feces-covering? Turns out, it joins the ranks of other movies showcasing feces including Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionnaire. Mind you, these are listed as the BEST covered-in-feces movies, which obviously means that countless other, lesser films are left out. Slumdog received over 172,000 votes. Is this for the movie or its feces coverage? The site doesn't say.

Anyway, this is the sort of film I wish had advertisements based on moviegoers' experiences. "Best date movie ever!" someone would exclaim as they elbowed their date or nearby pedestrians in the ribs. If any value can be derived from the film, it's that it makes America's Funniest Home Videos seem delightfully restrained in their showing of groin-kicking footage.

Unexpected Scene: Cameo appearances by Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan who engage in a mud wrestling battle with Steve-O and Knoxville. After losing, Kagan decrees that the match be stricken from the record.

Conviction - -8,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from A working mother puts herself through law school in an effort to represent her brother, who has been wrongfully convicted of murder and has exhausted his chances to appeal his conviction through public defenders.

Free Pants' Take: Swank is becoming the new Glenn Close: an asexual man/woman who fights for something that no one but she really cares about. I don't want to talk about that, though -- I want to talk about the title. There is nothing, except for movies that don't include feces-covering, that angers Pants more than faux-intelligent screenwriters who create titles with double meanings. Instead of providing a review of the film, I want to propose other "intelligent" movies with titles that have double meanings.

Offensive Line:

Frank (Craig T. Nelson), a former linebacker for the Jets turned Miss America Pageant host, develops a fatal case of Tourette's Syndrome hours before the telecast. Can he overcome his disorder in time for his presentation to the Girl Scouts of America? Will his disorder affect his dinner with the CEO and his Christian wife? Will he be covered with gatorade (or feces!) after making it through the show? Only time will tell.

Pregnant Pause:

Allison (Camryn Manheim) can't catch a break: she lost her job as a fitness instructor, her boyfriend left her, and she just found out that she can't have children. But then, after her cable goes out, a friendly repair man (Ernest Borgnine) gives her a magical remote control filled with his semen. When Allison accidentally eats the remote control during a late night binge, she wakes up pregnant and with the ability to stop time -- each time she belches, it hits the pause button on the remote. Will Allison be able to care for her new child? Can she fend off the terrorists vying for her magical remote? You don't want to miss a minute of this hilarious musical comedy that IMDB calls one of the best covered in feces movies of the year!

You're Out!

Steve Simmons (Gary Busey) is one of the toughest umpires in baseball. That is, until a newspaper photographer snaps photos of him coming out of a gay bar. Is Steve gay or at the bar for another hilarious reason? This comedy from the people that brought you Schindler's List might throw you a few curve balls! Starring Betty White as Steve's best friend and sassy head umpire.

Unexpected Scene: After Swank's character wins the court case, a bailiff dumps her into a barrel filled with feces.

Friday, October 1, 2010

It Ain't Over Until the NBER Tells You

“The recession officially ended in June 2009, according to the Business Cycle Dating Committee of the National Bureau of Economic Research, the official arbiter of such dates.” – The Times 9/21/10

Dear Gary Penske or Occupant,

Congratulations! Speaking on the authority conferred upon me by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a panel charged with dating when recessions begin and end, I am writing to inform you that your recession is officially over! We apologize for any inconvenience this recession may have caused and appreciate your patience.

We have had difficulty locating you. We have tried several times to contact you by phone only to learn from a pre-recorded message that the line has been disconnected. Despite our informing the pre-recorded message of your new recession-free status, it remained firm in its disconnect. We have also attempted to contact you by work email but were dismayed to learn (via auto-reply) of your recent unemployment. To rectify the situation, we have sent a copy of this letter to your former employer. If you still had an active phone line, we are positive that you would have received a call from them.

Finally, we sent one of our representatives to your home to relay the good news. We are sorry to hear that you have chosen to vacate the premises, allow the bank to foreclose on your home, and relocate you and your family to your automobile. Usually, we encourage this behavior during a recession, but as you are no longer embroiled in it, it is no longer necessary – if only you had waited until receiving this letter!

On behalf of the panel, I apologize for not informing you sooner. We have over 300 million files that are carefully vetted by our staff of 12. Unfortunately, we often make mistakes – most famously, due to an internal mailing code error, Harold Feinstock of Marshfield, TN, never received the letter officially ending his recession in 1973. Despite his immense personal wealth, Mr. Feinstock spent his remaining years living inside of a mailbox filled with raccoons.

So to expedite the process of your immersion back into the economy, we have taken the liberty of alerting your creditors to your new-found financial freedom and have agreed (on your behalf) for you to pay all outstanding balances within 60 days.

In return, we ask that you adhere to the following guidelines to maintain your viability in the marketplace:

  1. When pressed to answer difficult questions during job interviews, simply place your feet on the interviewer’s desk and say, “That sounds like a question I would scramble to answer mid-recession. Now that I’m recession-free, let’s talk about expanding the company daycare to include dogs. I love dogs.”
  2. Dine at expensive restaurants. When your credit card is declined, feign surprise. Then, show the waitress and the manager a copy of this letter – it should mollify them. If not, use a pen to circle key sections of the letter and direct them to it. If they persist, try more circling.
  3. Spread the news of your good fortune to all of the people standing in line next to you at the unemployment office.

Thank you again for your time and patience. We will reassess your account within six months.

National Bureau of Economic Research

Cc: Sallie Mae
American Express
Discover Card

Please note: if the recipient of this letter is not Gary Penske, please disregard. You may, in fact, still be mired in a recession. Please call to check the status of your recession at 1-800-555-0894 during our regular business hours. For security purposes, we cannot list our regular business hours.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Trump Mosque

Dear Trapped Chilean Miners,

Allow me to explain what has transpired above ground while you have been eating delicious free food and fielding job offers that are apparently based upon the qualities that led you to become trapped in a mine.

On 9/11/01, terrorists hijacked planes and crashed them into the twin towers and the pentagon. Nine years later, someone tried to build an Islamic center (replete with swimming pool) near the world trade center site.  As you can imagine, this incited anger in the hearts and minds of bigots everywhere.  Luckily, Donald Trump stepped forward and offered to buy the site and construct his own center.  I've obtained some of his preliminary plans.  Please enjoy them as you take your extended vacation in the mine.



State-of-the-art slot machines that pay out thousands when you match up the collapse of both towers and the pentagon.


Official greeter: 9/11 mastermind Khalid Mohammed


9/11 raffle.  Each victim's name will be placed into the raffle.  The winner's family will be comped at the lunch buffet.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Movie Reviews -- 9/10/10

Life as We Know It -- -88 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from Two single adults become caregivers to an orphaned girl when their best friends die in a car accident.

Free pants' Take: I always thought the beauty of love lay in its elusiveness -- the strength of feeling, good or bad, transcended all logical thinking.  Turns out, though, I was wrong. Apparently love can be summoned by tossing two attractive people in a dead couple's house replete with an adorable, shitting baby.  

Josh Dumahel and Katherine Heigel play the two attractive caregivers who hate, then love, each other.  At one point during the trailer, Heigel's characters says, "Our friends put us together for a reason."  It takes a lot of moxie or delusion to think that you're friends handed over their lives just so you could play house with their friend and abandoned child.  I wonder if she would love the character if it were played by Troy Vernon.  

Regardless of how you feel, you'll definitely leave the theater thinking, "Thank God those two ugly people died!  God works in mysterious and sexy ways!"

Unexpected Scene: It turns out there was a mix-up -- the parents are still alive; they returned from a long trip.  Heigel and Dumahel kill them and continue to raise the daughter as their own.  

Going the Distance -- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from A romantic comedy about a guy and a gal who try to maintain a long-distance relationship by traveling between NY and Los Angeles.

Free Pants' Take: There is something inherently wrong with the premise of your movie when Justin Long plays any character other than the one repeatedly being dunked into a toilet bowl. 

The movie manages to sidestep the typical plot machinations -- misunderstandings that could be cleared up with two words, dead parents who bequeath their belongings (and children) to attractive polar opposites destined for love, etc. -- and replaces them with... nothing.  

At this point, I must alert you to a scene near the end of the film that merits deep consideration.  It involves Jim Gaffigan dry humping Christina Applegate on a dining room table.  Dear Reader, I must confess that this image has replaced the nude Nancy Pelosi who wanders through my nightmares.   I imagine the sad conversations that must have transpired between Applegate and her agent (and inner child) after reading these sections of the script.  

Unexpected Scene: Christina Applegate and Jim Gaffigan die in a tragic dry humping session gone awry, leaving Barrymore and Long to raise their child.  

The American -- 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from An assassin hides out in Italy for one last assignment.

Free Pants' Take: I think watching a man hiding from things falls on the list of exciting action to see unfold in movies somewhere between reading and shopping for slacks.  Clooney plays an assassin who assembles weapons during the day and chats with priests and whores at night.  It is actually less intriguing than it sounds, if that's possible.   

Unexpected Scene: Clooney is revealed to be the assassin who murdered the family in Life As We Know It.  After seeing how lovely Josh Dumahel and Katherine Heigel are as parents and lovers, Clooney smiles knowing that his killing was the right thing to do.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Baby Got Backseat

Are you the kind of person who walks out of a sub shop with a mop instead of a sandwich? Do you find yourself buying extra absorbent tampons instead of your prostate medication or find yourself in a ground war against the wrong country?  Well, don't worry: Blake Ellis is on the case.

Who's Blake Ellis? He's the staff reporter for who writes articles that help one navigate through the complexities of life. Today, for example, Ellis proffers advice for parents seeking to purchase car seats: "If the lap belt falls below the knees of your child or the side belt falls off his or her shoulders or if there is no helmet, you might think about getting a new car seat."  Helmets?

I like Blake's soft-pedal approach to child care: "If your child is decapitated by a circular saw, you might want to consider having a new child."

He even provides a photo for those without imagination or perhaps a brain stem (see above). Free Pants pressed Ellis for more advice on spotting bad car seats. Luckily, I've provided it here.

According to Ellis, avoid car seats that...

1. ... come with safety helmets made of bee hives

2. ... use straps made only of rubber bands

3. ... are submerged in fish tanks

4. ... are really just creepy guys who hop into your backseat and hold them down.