Incredible Honk

Put down that smart bomb and pick up a tuba. That's the message trumpeted (get it?) by HONK!, a street fair festival in Davis Square that harnesses the power of virginity to end war. Basically, the organizers and their followers fight tyranny and oppression by dressing up in band costumes and playing Hot Cross Buns in front of local Chipotle stores.

From the website:

"They honk their horns for the same reasons motorists honk theirs: to arouse fellow travelers, to warn of danger, to celebrate milestones, and to just plain have fun."

Celebrate milestones? "Hey honey, we just put your parents in a home." HOOONNNKK!!!

Curiously absent from their list of reasons:

1. to taunt pedestrians/senators you're about to hit.
2. to bleep out dirty words at drive-in movies.

Again, from the website:

"Every one of these bands has a unique sense of humor to complement their sound, as they mock and discredit the roots of hatred and injustice through the whimsical act of making music together."

Weird. And this whole time, I just thought it was an excuse for virgins to get together, play dress up, and avoid employment. But hey, I'm a fair person. So, let's see how Honk! matches up against some of the greatest injustices in history:

1.

Honk Vs Jesus' Crucifixion

Strategy: Honk! plays searing rendition of Livin' on a Prayer
Outcome: Jesus still crucified but doesn't mind as much.

Winner? Pharisees.

2.



Honk vs Atomic Bomb

Strategy: Honk! undermines authority of bomb by playing "Wah wah wah" as it drops on Hiroshima.

Outcome: People ridicule and laugh at the bomb. Then, it explodes and kills them all.

Winner? Bomb

3.



Honk Vs.Tienanmen Square

Strategy: Honk! plays Stop! (in the name of love) to oncoming tanks
Outcome: Tanks run over Honk!; protesters and government united in relief, happiness

Winner? Humanity

If you want to learn more about Honk!, place yourself into a barrel and enlist friends to dump you in the ocean.

Beatles Catalog Sold to Advertisers

As you may or may not know, Michael Jackson, suspected child molester and occasional dancer, died leaving his estate in financial ruin.  The people in charge of his estate have considered selling his rights to the Beatles catalogue with the hope of once again becoming financially solvent. 

Of course, advertisers are seeking to purchase these long sought after songs to repurpose them into jingles for their products.  take a look at some of the commercials currently in development: 

Beatles' Song:  "All you need is Love"

Ad Song: "All you need is Dove"

Beatles' Song: "(Get By) With a Little Help from my Friends"

Ad Song: "(Get By) With a Little Help from Depends"

Beatles' Song: "Strawberry Fields Forever"

Ad Song: "Strawberry Fields Forever" -- (theme song for new VH1 reality show about Darryl Strawberry's return to baseball)

Beatles' Song: "Here Comes the Sun"

Ad Song: "Here comes Funyons"

Beatles' Song: "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

Ad Song: "I Want to Hold Your Ham" (Boar's Head)

Beatles' Song: "Got to Get You Into My Life"

Ad Song: "Got to Get You Into My Wife" (new theme song for ABC's Wife Swap)

Beatles' Song:  "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window"

Ad Song: "She Could See Through the Bathroom Window" (Thanks to Windex!)

Beatles' Song:  "Come Together"

Purchased by: KY Jelly

Old Lyric: "Come together right now.  Over me."

New Lyric: The same

Everybody Wang Chungbot Tonight

 

There must be something universal about our desire to perish at the hands of self-aware robots. Despite the prevalence of Terminator movies, scientists and Congress continue to further the robot revolution by programming robots to perform tasks now completed by illegal immigrants.

The latest robot is called Chungbot (see above), and he is making his rounds in Army hospitals around the country. What is Chungbot? It's a 5 ft. tall robot with a computer monitor for a head. On that computer monitor is the face of Dr. Chung -- Chungbot's inventor -- who is being beamed from the webcam of his personal computer. One can only imagine the wide array of screensavers Chungbot displays after remaining idle following his evisceration of you and your family.

According to the article:

"With his proxy's camera zooming and wireless antennas beaming Chung stood in a kitchen in VA and examined his patient from 1,500 miles away, providing a connection between doctor and patient even as Chung was on vacation."

What the article doesn't report on is how Dr. Chung responds when the Chungbot accidentally removes testicles from men during routine prostate exams, especially those men who are not expecting an examination when they bump into the Chungbot at Home Depot.

The video at yahoonews.com contains footage of the Chungbot bursting through hospital doors like John Wayne entering a saloon (only instead of ordering a drink, Chungbot accidentally decapitates nurses before launching into a game of free cell).

I have to admit: I love Chungbot. It's a robotic proxy that can run all of the embarrassing or tedious errands I currently send my nephew to do.

Here's a breakdown of JoeBot's new responsibilities:

1. Proudly Attend Mets Games

 

2. Rent embarrassing adult films like Hot Asian Cheerleaders # 13 and Mean Girls

3. Make small talk with coworkers in men's room

4. Get robbed by the homeless guys who sleep inside Radioshack

5. Tell parents I'm putting them in a home

6. Attend funerals

7. Drive girlfriend to Planned Parenthood

See you at the salt mines.

Sincerely,

Joebot

Stand-Up -- featuring 16% new material

Obituary

CNN.com reported that actor Henry Gibson died today at 73 years old.  The outpouring of sympathy from celebrities has been unanimous.  Most say the same thing: 

"Who the hell is Henry Gibson?" 

Rest in peace, Gibby.

Letter to the New Yorker

Dear New Yorker,

I am writing to report a problem with my August 24th issue. My Shouts and Murmurs section was missing its humor. I looked for it throughout the rest of the magazine -- I even tried searching for it in a 10,000 word article about deep sea diving. I also tried closing and reopening the magazine with mixed results. I already spoke with one of your editors on the phone and they assured me that they have no problem on their end. Thinking that it was a problem with my issue, I checked my friend's copy and found the same problem. This is frustrating.

Can you please resend me and my friend our August 24th issues replete with humor (post haste)?

Thanks,

The Pants

Anne Frank: The Sequel

In "Oh Good" news, Disney has acquired the rights to the Diary of Anne Frank and plans to "reimagine" the film for today's moviegoing audiences. Will it contain one, two or all of the Jonas Brothers? The press release doesn't say.

I think we all can agree, however, that out of all the movie studios in Hollywood, Disney is the one most interested in storytelling rather than sacrificing artistic integrity for profit*. After several phone calls, Free Pants was able to obtain plot synopses from an Anne Frank brainstorming session that took place within Disney studios.

Idea # 1

Title: Honey, I Shrunk the Franks

Plot: You would think after the many indignities, embarrassments and rapes suffered by the Szalinski family, Wayne (Rick Moranis) would destroy his shrinking machine. You'd be wrong!

This time, after lightning strikes the family toilet (voice of Andy Rooney), it becomes an enchanted time machine that sends Wayne, his entire family and the shrinking machine back in time to 1944 Germany.

Will Wayne use his shrinking machine to help hide the Franks or sell it to the nazis to finally pay off his boat (and gambling debts)? How will the love triangle play out between Anne, Peter Van Pels, and the cute Nazi soldier (High School Musical's Zac Efron!)

Sample Dialogue:

Toilet (Voice of Andy Rooney): We must ensure that we don't damage the very fabric of our existence! Whooooosh!!!!!

(Anne flushes the toilet after using it)

Idea # 2

Title: High School Musical 4

Plot: Being a teenager is tough! Anne Frank (Alexis Bledel) is praised for her mastery of prose and the beauty of her writing, but what she really wants to do is sing A Capella. Jim Hitler (Chace Crawford) is great at shooting Jews, but his heart isn't in it; he'd rather be singing in the school choir. Fathers of both teenagers disapprove.

To stymie the kids' budding love, Hitler sends the Franks to a death camp. Will Anne find a way out of the camp in time for the school talent show? Will Adolf Hitler (Eugene Levy) and Otto Frank (Patton Oswalt) realize the error of their ways after seeing the kids perform? Guest musical duet by Miley Cyrus and Chris Isaak!

Sample Dialogue:

Jim Hitler: "Jesus, Dad. Sometimes I think you care about this genocide more than me and my singing!" (song break)

Idea # 3

Title: Air Bud: Track and Heeled

Plot: Still reeling from German athletes' losses to Jesse Owens in track and field events from the 1936 Olympic games, Hitler decides to hold a track and field competition between local SS soldiers and Jews to reinforce Aryan dominance. Why would anyone agree to participate? Jews who defeat their Aryan counterparts will earn themselves (and their families) freedom from the death camps.

When Anne Frank (Mischa Barton) hears of the news, she and her family decide to send their pet golden retriever, Air Bud, to the competition. Will Air Bud defeat the SS leader (Sam Worthington) and become an honorary Aryan? Will Anne and Air Bud act on the mutual attraction described in her diary? Sprint to the movie theater today and find out!

Sample Dialogue:

Hitler: "Alright, I'll admit it: that mongrel can run fast."

Goebbels: "Air Bud?"

Hitler: "No. Jesse Owens!"

(Hitler, Goebbels, Air Bud, and the Frank Family all laugh)

*I'm joking. Disney made a movie that made my top ten list of movies that can justifiably be cited in a suicide/mass homicide note; it featured flatulent guinea pigs (G-Force). And none of them was played by Roseanne.

Anne Frank's Facebook Page

Last month marked the 60th anniversary of the publication of Anne Frank's diary**.  

The strength of her diary is not in its historical timeline of events, but in the passion and  eloquence of its prose and the feelings illuminated by it.  I've often wondered what a 21st century version of Anne Frank's diary would look like if a similar situation were to unfold today in the United States.  Would a teenager today have the tools and attention span to produce something as iconic?  

Luckily, Free Pants found out.

** If you don't know about the Diary of Anne Frank, please stuff yourself into a barrel and roll into the ocean.

Ways to Prove Him Right

There is a limit to the number of articles one can read about Obama's "death panels," Michael Vick/Jackson, and our imminent demise at the hands of self-aware robots. That's why CNN.com has picked up articles from the women's Ezine thefrisky.com. The site (which seems to promote the advancement of women by featuring articles in which the female authors choose to be subjugated) serves CNN's purpose: after reading one diatribe about men, the reader will return to CNN's non-stop coverage of Hurricane Bill with renewed vigor.

Here's an example of the writing currently being churned out by thefrisky.com. It's an article entitled "10 Legal Ways to Punish A Cheater." One might think the best way to exact revenge on a cheating spouse would be to live well. Incorrect, according to Jessica Wakeman, the author of this article. She proffers the following advice:

1. "Gain that extra 10 lbs that fills you out nicely, like Joan Holloway on "Mad Men"...

Free Pants' Take: Good call, Jess. Nothing says, "Eat your heart out!" like obesity. I can't tell you how many late night drinking sessions have been fueled by buddies who've seen their exes put on weight. "I had to have her when she was thin and hot. Now she looks like she could eat all of the ribs they place on the Flintstones car in the opening credits. Life ain't fair!"

2. "Call up your hottest platonic male friend, grab your digital camera and go do something adorable together. Now it's time to create a Facebook photo album full of pics of you looking smiley."

Free Pants' Take: While you're at it, why not try getting gang-raped? That'll show 'em. Make sure to take lots of photos! This is just sad. Your ex-boyfriend isn't looking at your photos on facebook. He's sleeping with other girls.

3. "...go meet a new guy. Fall in love. Have tons of great sex. Laugh a lot. Talk about baby names and where you want your honeymoon to be. The next time you run into your ex, mention all the great things that have happened in your life since you broke up."

Free Pants' Take: Dear reader, I am shaking my head in dismay imagining the sadness that must have been felt by her editors upon reading this entry. I imagine the editor violently pressing buttons that trigger butterfly nets to be released from the ceiling.

Perhaps they should rename the article, "10 Legal Ways to Punish a Cheater When You're Off Your Meds."

Here's the full article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/08/19/tf.cheater.punish.10.ways/index.html?iref=werecommend

Alright. Back to our robot-driven demise, CNN.

Movie Epilogues

Everyone loves a happy ending. Turns out, though, that life doesn't have happy endings. You just die and get thrown in the ground.

So, in the spirit of making Hollywood's creative efforts more like real life, Free Pants has figured out how many of your favorite "happy ending" movies really play out.

# 1. Field of Dreams



Movie Ending:
Ray Kinsella’s (Costner) financial and emotional burdens are resolved when his father and friends (dead Chicago White Sox!) play baseball games for a seemingly endless supply of spectators willing to pay big bucks.

Real-Life Ending:
The Chicago Cubs ask to play on the field and suck so badly everyone goes home. Ray's dead father tells him he is a huge failure. Ray sells the farm to Home Depot. The “voice” now announces spring sales on lawnmowers.

# 2. Say Anything



Movie Ending:
"Romantic" loser Lloyd Dobler (Cusack) tags along with attractive go-getter Diane Court (Skye) on her trip to Europe while the guy from Frasier claiming to be her father rots in jail. Wait. That’s a happy ending?

Real-Life Ending:
She breaks up with him two weeks later when she realizes his “romantic” attitude can’t pay for new brake pads. She starts dating an insurance salesman. Mimicking famous scene in which he declares his love while holding a giant boom box, Lloyd gets a job at Nathan’s wearing a sandwich board on the street. Sign reads: “2 for 1 Wieners!”

# 3. Tootsie



Movie Ending:
Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange) sleeps with her love interest (Hoffman) who, for the duration of the movie, pretends to be her mentor… and a woman.

Real-Life Ending:
Julie and Michael make it for a while until they see the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Seeing the parallels in Robin Williams' and Michael's insane behavior, she breaks up with him on the spot. Two weeks later, he dies when he walks into a Taco Bell at the exact moment the refried bean machine explodes.

# 4. Sleepless in Seattle



Movie Ending:
After relentlessly stalking widower Sam Baldwin (Hanks), Annie (Ryan) finally snags the man of her dreams atop the Empire State Building. Why did she decide to risk losing her boring fiance (with ALLERGIES!)? While listening to Sam on the radio, they said the word "magic" at the same time. Most people just say "jinx." Annie sends a swat team to hunt down her prey.

Real-Life Ending:
Two weeks later, Sam and Annie realize they have nothing in common. After a huge blowout over abortion rights, Annie says the "magic" is gone and goes back to her fiance. Sam starts drinking. Several years later they reunite atop the Sears tower and jump off together.

# 5. Finding Nemo



Movie Ending:
When Nemo (Gould) goes missing, it's up to his nebbish father (Brooks) and the friends he meets along the way to find him. Guess what? He's dead. Just kidding. They find him and learn lessons along the way.

Real-Life Ending:
Kirstie Alley finds, cooks, and eats the fish. Then heads out to Baskin Robbins.

# 6. Freaky Friday (remake)



Movie Ending:
After a harrowing (and hilarious) misadventure involving body/soul swapping between mother and daughter, Tess and Anna Coleman (Jamie Lees Curtis, Lindsay Lohan), the girls are put back into their own bodies and discover what it really means to walk a mile in the other's shoes.

Real-Life Ending:
Tess' husband gets drunk at a party and sleeps with her, not knowing she's really the daughter. After they switch back, they call the cops and arrest the father for statutory rape of his own daughter. Plus a cameo by Paul Reiser!

Imagine People Admitted That John Lennon Sucks

Lunch is usually a time I reserve for great introspection or pantsing med students, depending on the day/number of med students in close proximity.  Yesterday I read an article in Time magazine in which the democratic senator from Minnesota lamented the failure of the world to follow John Lennon's message of peace.  He said the following:

"We have failed as a world to adhere to Lennon's brave message of peace.  He was the one to say, 'Give peace a chance,' and here we are decades later still ignoring that message."

Brave message?  The guy said "Give peace a chance."  That's brave?  I say that all the time to drifters before setting them on fire and no one calls me brave.  

What a drama queen.  Jesus.  Last time I checked, Lennon had millions of dollars, adulation from millions of fans and world leaders, and a nice apartment in New York City where he could record lame music.  It's not exactly going out on a limb -- he has nothing to lose.  If someone who loses his entire family to violence suggests peace, that is extraordinary.  When this guy says it, it's like getting dating tips from my nephew (which is pretty uneven).  

Perhaps if someone tortured and killed Yoko and his son, the guy might not be such a pacifist.  Actually, he'd probably stop recording crappy music and start bulking up to plot his revenge like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive (or Working Girl, to a lesser extent). 

Also, am I the only one who remembers that he put out something like seven studio albums consisting of pure crap?  For every Beautiful Boy, there's 50 Cold Turkeys.  

So please, America, let's  recognize that John Lennon sucked and did as much to advance the "peace" movement as my clock radio.  

OLDBay

Old people don't act like they do in the movies.  Whenever I ask them to rap or say something hilariously off-color, they will invariably respond the same way: "Please give me my medication; I'm having palpitations."  It's still funny, but not quite Wedding Crashers funny.

Turns out, old people have been doing more than playing "got your nose" with what they think is your son (but is really the toilet bowl handle); they're also burdening their children by not dying.

According to an article on CNN.com, nearly 44 million Americans have been tasked with providing full-time care for their elderly parents.  Fear not: the government has set up a website entitled "Ask Medicare" which dispenses useful information to caregivers about Medicare and how to circumvent the red tape perpetrated by.... itself.  The site is lauded by nearly everyone which is baffling.  It's akin to thanking the makers of Monopoly for providing instructions.  

I've navigated the site and although it manages to distill ten of thousands of pages of literature into a few dozen pages, my favorite is the FAQ section.  It provides answers to common questions like "How can I qualify for Medicare?" or "Can we use social security checks to put towards their health care?"  

Curiously absent from the FAQ section was: "How can I murder them and make it look like an accident/suicide?"

Luckily for Free Pants readers, the government has agreed to let me see a new feature of their website still in development: OLDBay.  It allows caregivers to put their relatives up for sale.

 

The head of the site explained it like this: 

"It's like eBay for old people.  You put up stuff you don't want on eBay.  This site will be where you put up people you don't want."

Take a look at these sample pages.  Let the bidding begin.

# 1 - Grandpa (Click to Enlarge)

# 2 - Sandra Day O'Connor (Click to Enlarge)

Here is the original article from CNN.com: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/08/03/ask.medicare.website/index.html

Supersize Love

Good news for the American journalists released from a North Korean prison: they can watch encore presentations of More to Love, the Bachelor-like reality dating show featuring fat people.  

If you're unfamiliar, the executive producer of The Bachelor created a show in which "regular people" search for true love by hanging out with strangers for 13 weeks.  Here's the twist: the "regular people" are morbidly obese.  The underlying premise is that fat people need love from humans, not just sandwiches.  

In watching the show, I've happened upon a universal truth: when thin people sweat, it's sexy because you're imagining them in sexual situations; when fat people sweat, it's nauseating because you're imagining them in sexual situations (and eating egg rolls from steam trays).   

The contestants range in age and matching BMIs from 29-45 and often underline the "Regular Joe" sentiment with comments like these:

1.  "I'm not a calorie counter."  - Jessica

Great.  Whether you count them or not is immaterial -- you still eat all of them.  It's a fat person's version of "a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

2. "I'm happy with myself."   - Sandy

This was said by a woman who admitted to never having been kissed shortly before she tripped and fell into a rose bush.  You're not happy.  If you were, you wouldn't weigh the same as a planet.  And if you are truly happy with yourself, I guess the question is... why?

3. "Everyone deserves lunch." - Rebecca  

People have told me she actually said "love," but I know what I heard.

Intrigued?  Me either.  Let's be honest: no one wants to watch fat people fall in love; they want to watch fat people get hit in the groin with footballs or parking meters.  It's the way God wants it.

To save you some time, I've included plot synopses for upcoming episodes from TV Guide.

1. Episode # 6: Hot tub!  Jon and the girls each take turns sitting in the hot tub (it can fit only one of them at a time).  Later in the fantasy suite, Jon blindfolds Emma and... eats her dinner.

2. Episode # 8: Sparks fly when Jon and Denise realize they both have older sisters and diabetes.  Special guest appearance by Ernest Borgnine who dispenses complimentary Viagra for obesity-related ED.

3. Episode # 13: Jon's love for his future bride is put to the ultimate test when an old flame (McDonald's McRib sandwich) returns vying for his affection.

Back to work, Tubby.

New Movie Reviews - 7/24/09

Food Inc. - 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): An unflattering look inside America's corporate controlled food industry

Free Pants' Take: It's like a sexy Upton Sinclair novel. Here's the premise: animals are delicious; however, they would be more delectable if they were raised and slaughtered using the more nostalgic, "old timey" methods utilized by farmers in the 1950s. Hard to argue with that one.

Unfortunately, the movie makes a crucial misstep when it vilifies McDonald's for spending untold millions of dollars and hours genetically engineering its food to be delicious and addictive. May I be the first person to say, "Thank you, McDonalds." My girlfriend spends about ten minutes cooking eggs with shell pieces in it while you've dedicated your life to making sure I'm satisfied. Thank you, Good sir.

Unexpected Scene: hilarious outtakes (replete with laugh track) of illegal immigrant workers falling into the "killing floor."

The Ugly Truth - 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A romantically challenged morning show producer (Heigl) is reluctantly embroiled in a series of outrageous tests by her chauvinistic correspondent (Butler) to prove his theories on relationships and help her find love. His clever ploys, however, lead to an unexpected result.

Free Pants' Take: I love and respect women -- I help them cross the street after robbing them, I don't laugh when they run for President, and I almost always stop hugging them within minutes of their asking me to leave their bathroom stall -- but if any woman sees the characters and situations presented in this movie as anything other than science fiction, they should immediately be catapulted into space (along with Ashton Kutcher and the characters from those Fiber One commercials who doubt the fiber content of the cereal).

After failing to laugh at a single scene, I thought that perhaps it read better on paper. So, I wrote down the hilarious gags about fellating hotdogs and presented it to my nephew for careful inspection. Dear reader, there was profound sadness on his face that I'm pretty sure had nothing to do with my foot resting on his rib cage.

Unexpected Scene: Katherine Heigl pushes illegal immigrants into the "killing floor."

G-Force - -900,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com): A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.

Free Pants' Take: Memory is a tricky thing. I can't remember when I felt up my first mannequin at Macys -- my mom will remember -- or what I was wearing when I pushed women and children out of the way so I could purchase my tickets for Little Man, but I do remember the moment when I realized that either God did not exist, He existed and didn't care about humanity or that He existed until he saw the trailer for G-Force and set his spaceship on a collision course for the sun.

Have you ever dropped a safe on your head and wondered to yourself, "Hey, what if my guinea pig told fart jokes for two hours?" This movie is an answer to all of your (and our) secret desires. Frankly I can't wait for the next installment. I'd love to see a movie where talking tampons save the world.

Unexpected Scene: Before the guinea pigs are allowed to save the word, immigrants from Tyson throw them on the killing floor. As they are ground up into synthetic meat for Burger King, sound track plays Who Let the Dogs Out.

Hyperbole Buster -- Song Edition

Everyone, whether it's a politician or the coworker I'm hugging in the men's room, uses hyperbole; it's the latest craze, like twittering or vaccinating children. However, Free Pants cannot abide this lazy form of expression.

In an effort to stymie its use, I've contacted experts in various fields to refute the hyperbole used so frequently in popular rock songs. Once you realize the error of your ways, you will thank the Pants for giving you the best gift ever created.

# 1. Excerpt from You Saved the Best For Last by Vanessa Williams

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June,

Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon;

Just when I though our chance had passed

You go and save the best for last."

Rebuttal from:



NASA Astronomer Stan Odenfeld:

"The Moon orbits the Earth and the Earth revolves around the sun. The closest point at which this could occur would be during a lunar eclipse which is an anomaly of sorts. Still, the notion of the sun "going 'round" the moon is preposterous. I played this lyric for my son with down syndrome and he laughed and said even he thought Vanessa Williams was retarded."


# 2. Excerpt from We Built This City (on Rock and Roll) by Starship

"We built this city on rock and roll."

Rebuttal from:



Chief Engineer and City Planner Bob Strenfield

"Typically, cities comprise 10,000 inhabitants. When building a city, one needs the following: 19 tons of wet cement, 4.5 tons of steels, three to four separate construction crews comprising 20- 30 highly skilled workers, a clear plan for sanitation, plumbing, electrical, cable, and water pipes/cables. You also need approval from the state and local governments. A city built solely on Rock and Roll would not be able to adequately provide for its inhabitants. A statement like that is not only erroneous, but dangerous.


# 3. Excerpt from What's Love (Got to Do With It)? By Tina Turner

"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Rebuttal from:



Dr. Stephen Weisfeldt, Chief Cardiologist, Mayo Clinic

"You need a heart to live."