Friday, April 21, 2017
1. ...expressing frustration at misunderstandings between Mr. Furley and Jack on Three's Company
2. ...kicking a keg
3. ...carrying a dinner order to table # 34
4. ...performing a puppet show
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Apparently, the characters in the books would mull over murder cases while making a delicious ham. Sounds delightful, but this trend of food mystery novels is not new. In fact, I traced it back all the way to the pioneers of food/mystery novel. Below are examples from trailblazers of the genre. Don't read it on an empty stomach -- your mouth will water.
2. David Berkowitz
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Here is another edition of fiction vs. reality published on movies.com. Read it with your favorite fat kid.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Synopsis (from imdb.com): A chronicle of one women's lifelong struggle with her faith.
Free Pants' Take: I was raised to believe that people struggled with their faith privately so as to not interrupt my playing Nintendo Wii or robbing them. Unless God comes down from Heaven to settle the dispute on film (and banish Vera Farmiga to hell), I can't imagine how this can be construed as entertainment.
I mention Farmiga because this is her directorial debut -- something that everyone who saw her in the three movies she's appeared in has been clamoring for. In lieu of seeing this movie, Free Pants' suggests pushing an old women into a mailbox. She, too, will question her faith but you've just saved ten bucks. Use the money to buy yourself a Pizza Hut Pizzone -- all that pushing has made you hungry.
Unexpected Scene: After reaffirming her faith, Farmiga's character learns of a new pilot featuring Jim Belushi. She commits suicide certain that "there is no God"
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star -- N/A (Slacks burst into flames of rage)
Synopsis (from imdb.com): A kid from the Mid-West moves out to Hollywood to follow in his parents footsteps -- and become a porn star.
Free Pants' Take: I want you to gather the kids together, tie down the furniture (and dog), stock up some food, and hide in your cellar for protection until I tell you it's okay to re-emerge into society. Doctors cannot pinpoint the exact cause of clinical depression, but most agree it can be acquired during one screening of this film.
It stars Nick Swardson. You may know him as a comedy cleaner -- he shows up in various comedies to remove all comedy from the scene. He's so good that after the scene is over, you forget the scene was even supposed to elicit laughter.
The movie employs the use of gag teeth and hair but stops short of ventriloquism to crush the souls of the audience. I think perhaps the only value one can derive from this movie is the knowledge that anyone who purchases a ticket for it should be catapulted into space. Perhaps some AMC theaters can actually set this up.
Unexpected Scene: After watching a scene from Bucky Larson, Vera Farmiga's character is convinced there is no God, then she learns of Jim Belushi's new sitcom success and kills herself.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Synopsis (from imdb.com): A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper (Kevin James) find love -- without opting to leave his current job for something more illustrious. woman.
Free Pants' Take: When robots become self-aware and enslave us, they will point to this movie and Jim Belushi's long career as the reasons for our demise. My heart sank after reading this synopsis. The questions that arise from this premise lead to incredulity if not madness.
There are five (5) credited screenwriters for this movie and one imagines the sad conferences where teams of screenwriters argued for and against James' urinating into a potted plant to garner the affections of Leslie Bibb. I imagined breathless calls to loved ones during lunch breaks. (Or, perhaps it was one of the few immediately agreed upon gags.) The only thing missing is additional screenwriter and suicide inducer Nia Vardalos to add some hilarious texting gags between a sexy college student, Kevin James, and a flatulent salamander.
The movie fails as entertainment, but it does succeed as a mass homicide note.
Unexpected Scene: James takes the advice of Bambi the Black Widow (voiced by the luminous Jennifer Tilly) and beds, murders, and eats Leslie Bibb.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Synopsis (from imdb.com): After losing his job, a middle-aged man reinvents himself by going back to college.
Free Pants' Take: I've read that one of the worst things in life is wasted talent. Not true. The worst thing in life is the movie Larry Crowne. I know. I just watched it. It is the brainchild of Nia Vardalos, who punished us with a never-ending sea of romantic comedies (and John Corbett), and its lack of human understanding and interaction makes it a study in insanity.
Here are the minutes from the screenplay conference where the script was written (in about 1/2 hour).
Producer: Hanks' character is broke, unemployed, and adrift in loneliness.
Nia: Yes! But then he meets a gorgeous 20-something who befriends him, rearranges his home, his hair, and his priorities!
Producer: Why would she do this? He's twice her age and he's boring and unattractive.
Producer: So Hanks falls for her, right?
Producer: Why not? Wouldn't a guy fall fall in love with a beautiful girl who paid so much attention to him?"
Nia: NO! Because!!!
Producer: Who is the bad guy?
Nia: No bad guy! Everyone is earnest, truthful and nice. Just like in life!
Producer: Shouldn't we try to make it funny?
Nia: It is funny. Like in one scene, Hanks' professor confiscates his cell phone! OMG, hilarious!
[producer shoots himself in the face]
Unexpected scene: In a twist ending, it's revealed that Hanks' wife left him because he beat her. After Roberts kisses Hanks in the closing scene, he hits her and sends her into the hospital.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, November 11, 2010
______(pictured above: "Sexy" Senior; Fat broad)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Long after we had broken up, I heard that she suffered a brain aneurysm and died almost instantly. Even though I was (and still am) agnostic, I'll sometimes think of her and still want to believe that she is out there, somewhere, remembering me. Remembering. That's the underlying theme of Clint Eastwood's new film Hereafter.
The movie invites us into the lives of three people who will eventually, through a series of coincidences, connect. The details of the three characters' lives are immaterial; they're tied together through death: a kid loses his twin brother, a French reporter suffers a near-death experience, and a man shoulders the burden of apparently being able to connect with the dead.
Most of the reviews state that the questions central to the film -- is there an afterlife, what happens when we die -- are left unanswered or explored and thus, the movie is a failure. But they're off the mark. The movie isn't about the afterlife; it's about how, despite our intellectual reasoning, love requires the living to hope for the existence of one. Whether our parents pass or our spouses leave or our children outgrow us, we grieve for ourselves -- who else will remember and understand?
The movie gets it right. This is a slow, meditative film that shows us people who struggle to exist in a world that does not understand their pain and explores the tentative, delicate connections they form with others who do understand.
The film is populated with people stranded in varying stages of grief, but we're meant to access the film, I think, through the boy who, after losing his brother, embarks on a journey to find out what happens when we die. The French reporter and the psychic who endure tragedies are equipped with adult coping mechanisms and use their intelligence, their power or their wealth to hide from the truths that lay buried in their subconscious. The kid, however, is naked in his pain and in his need to speak with his deceased brother.
He eventually meets up with the psychic (Matt Damon) and there is a scene that summarizes the theme of the entire film. During the reading, the kid is searching for answers, for peace, and Damon's character relays a message that's either communicated by the dead brother or by Damon's character, out of kindness. The point is: it doesn't matter. The boy just needs to know he is not alone, even if it's not true.
That's all any of us wants -- to hope there's another side where they remember us, our secret moments, and where she is waiting to kiss me on the left eyebrow and tell me she was right.
Note: This received a 50% rating on Rottentomatoes. That's what you guys gave G-Force, the animated movie starring Tracy Morgan about farting gerbils. If there is an afterlife, you're not going there.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Plot Synopsis(from IMDB.com): (none)
Free Pants' Take: When the staff at imdb.com cannot publish a plot synopsis for a movie it means one of two things: either the movie is so beautiful, it transcends language or the movie is Jackass 3-D, a film that has the honor of falling under the umbrella of IMDB keyword category "Covered in Feces."
I spent a good chunk of time pondering the need for such a category -- what sort of person searches for movies based on its inclusion of feces-covering? Turns out, it joins the ranks of other movies showcasing feces including Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionnaire. Mind you, these are listed as the BEST covered-in-feces movies, which obviously means that countless other, lesser films are left out. Slumdog received over 172,000 votes. Is this for the movie or its feces coverage? The site doesn't say.
Anyway, this is the sort of film I wish had advertisements based on moviegoers' experiences. "Best date movie ever!" someone would exclaim as they elbowed their date or nearby pedestrians in the ribs. If any value can be derived from the film, it's that it makes America's Funniest Home Videos seem delightfully restrained in their showing of groin-kicking footage.
Unexpected Scene: Cameo appearances by Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan who engage in a mud wrestling battle with Steve-O and Knoxville. After losing, Kagan decrees that the match be stricken from the record.
Conviction - -8,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks
Synopsis (from imdb.com): A working mother puts herself through law school in an effort to represent her brother, who has been wrongfully convicted of murder and has exhausted his chances to appeal his conviction through public defenders.
Free Pants' Take: Swank is becoming the new Glenn Close: an asexual man/woman who fights for something that no one but she really cares about. I don't want to talk about that, though -- I want to talk about the title. There is nothing, except for movies that don't include feces-covering, that angers Pants more than faux-intelligent screenwriters who create titles with double meanings. Instead of providing a review of the film, I want to propose other "intelligent" movies with titles that have double meanings.
Frank (Craig T. Nelson), a former linebacker for the Jets turned Miss America Pageant host, develops a fatal case of Tourette's Syndrome hours before the telecast. Can he overcome his disorder in time for his presentation to the Girl Scouts of America? Will his disorder affect his dinner with the CEO and his Christian wife? Will he be covered with gatorade (or feces!) after making it through the show? Only time will tell.
Allison (Camryn Manheim) can't catch a break: she lost her job as a fitness instructor, her boyfriend left her, and she just found out that she can't have children. But then, after her cable goes out, a friendly repair man (Ernest Borgnine) gives her a magical remote control filled with his semen. When Allison accidentally eats the remote control during a late night binge, she wakes up pregnant and with the ability to stop time -- each time she belches, it hits the pause button on the remote. Will Allison be able to care for her new child? Can she fend off the terrorists vying for her magical remote? You don't want to miss a minute of this hilarious musical comedy that IMDB calls one of the best covered in feces movies of the year!
Steve Simmons (Gary Busey) is one of the toughest umpires in baseball. That is, until a newspaper photographer snaps photos of him coming out of a gay bar. Is Steve gay or at the bar for another hilarious reason? This comedy from the people that brought you Schindler's List might throw you a few curve balls! Starring Betty White as Steve's best friend and sassy head umpire.
Unexpected Scene: After Swank's character wins the court case, a bailiff dumps her into a barrel filled with feces.
Friday, October 1, 2010
“The recession officially ended in June 2009, according to the Business Cycle Dating Committee of the National Bureau of Economic Research, the official arbiter of such dates.” – The Times 9/21/10
Dear Gary Penske or Occupant,
Congratulations! Speaking on the authority conferred upon me by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a panel charged with dating when recessions begin and end, I am writing to inform you that your recession is officially over! We apologize for any inconvenience this recession may have caused and appreciate your patience.
We have had difficulty locating you. We have tried several times to contact you by phone only to learn from a pre-recorded message that the line has been disconnected. Despite our informing the pre-recorded message of your new recession-free status, it remained firm in its disconnect. We have also attempted to contact you by work email but were dismayed to learn (via auto-reply) of your recent unemployment. To rectify the situation, we have sent a copy of this letter to your former employer. If you still had an active phone line, we are positive that you would have received a call from them.
Finally, we sent one of our representatives to your home to relay the good news. We are sorry to hear that you have chosen to vacate the premises, allow the bank to foreclose on your home, and relocate you and your family to your automobile. Usually, we encourage this behavior during a recession, but as you are no longer embroiled in it, it is no longer necessary – if only you had waited until receiving this letter!
On behalf of the panel, I apologize for not informing you sooner. We have over 300 million files that are carefully vetted by our staff of 12. Unfortunately, we often make mistakes – most famously, due to an internal mailing code error, Harold Feinstock of Marshfield, TN, never received the letter officially ending his recession in 1973. Despite his immense personal wealth, Mr. Feinstock spent his remaining years living inside of a mailbox filled with raccoons.
So to expedite the process of your immersion back into the economy, we have taken the liberty of alerting your creditors to your new-found financial freedom and have agreed (on your behalf) for you to pay all outstanding balances within 60 days.
In return, we ask that you adhere to the following guidelines to maintain your viability in the marketplace:
- When pressed to answer difficult questions during job interviews, simply place your feet on the interviewer’s desk and say, “That sounds like a question I would scramble to answer mid-recession. Now that I’m recession-free, let’s talk about expanding the company daycare to include dogs. I love dogs.”
- Dine at expensive restaurants. When your credit card is declined, feign surprise. Then, show the waitress and the manager a copy of this letter – it should mollify them. If not, use a pen to circle key sections of the letter and direct them to it. If they persist, try more circling.
- Spread the news of your good fortune to all of the people standing in line next to you at the unemployment office.
Thank you again for your time and patience. We will reassess your account within six months.
National Bureau of Economic Research
Cc: Sallie Mae
Please note: if the recipient of this letter is not Gary Penske, please disregard. You may, in fact, still be mired in a recession. Please call to check the status of your recession at 1-800-555-0894 during our regular business hours. For security purposes, we cannot list our regular business hours.